Thanks for giving
Today I received something that I have been waiting for... something that seemed at times impossible, unlikely and completely essential for my future happiness.
Since June or July (I'm too lazy to check back entries and figure it out) I've been actively struggling to get myself out of the hole I was in spiritually and emotionally. I wanted to be back in school, and I decided to go at it full bore regardless of how bleak my financial situation might look. I applied on time, but due to a mis-communication (this is diplomacy speaking, here. I want to say idiot student worker, but I won't. I guess I just did. Oops.) I ended up not having everything I needed as the rest of the school got their awards.
By the time I found out there was more paperwork needed, classes were already well under way. Fortunately, I completely ignored the first person who told me it wasn't possible to consolidate the Perkins loan from 2003 that was holding up the whole process.
It's November 24th, and I've now waited months for one financial entity, weeks for a check to get mailed to my old school, days for that school to fax the letter that clears my final past loan from default and weeks again for NIU's financial aid office to process all of that, review it, and send me the notification so that I could accept it. Now that I've done all that, I hope to God it doesn't take weeks to get to the Bursar because classes that I want (nay, NEED) are already filling up for spring semester and I can see the cap and gown in my very near future.
I say very near because for the last 4 years I have been ...I guess "wallowing in self pity" would be harsh but true. Life hit me like a speed train in 2007 and although I'm still recovering, for the first time since that January I feel like living might actually present some viable options for the future. Six months from now I could be bawling my eyes out at the Convocation center in DeKalb with a handful of friends and family watching from the arena. NINE YEARS ago I decided that in order to support myself and my son in this world, I had to get an education. I've lost so many people along the way, but I've gained a family and now, finally, I'm going to gain my B.A. in Journalism. I feel sort of numb, when I thought for sure that I'd have a good long cry once I finally got the news that I could graduate.
Don't get me wrong: our financial challenges are not over, not by a long shot. But I started this semester only half sure that my financial aid situation would work itself out at all, and as time went by I began to wonder if I was going to find myself ONE SEMESTER away from a bachelors degree and then run out of time or funding (or both). It seriously would have driven me into a padded room and one of those jackets that teaches you to love yourself a lot. Hopefully mine would have extra straps, because I would squirm a lot, I'm sure.
That fantasy scenario is fading fast, though. Today I checked my financial aid award notification email and (fingers crossed, knock on wood, do whatever you have to) it looks like I'm not only going to be able to cover this semester plus child care, but next semester as well (plus childcare). Sure I'll be over $60,000 in the hole by the time all is said and done... but I'm so used to being screwed by my own poverty it's becoming sort of normal.
It feels pretty strange, thinking that for the next semester I won't have to overcome guilt every time I walk past the secretary's desk at the day care because I haven't paid my bill. Hell, next semester I can even purchase the TEXTBOOKS for my classes... Although I'm grateful to say that my grades will be above decent this semester, I'm a mix of proud and dissapointed that I managed to pull it off without purchasing a single book. Next semester I won't be taking that chance.
Anyhoo... this Thanksgiving I got what I've wanted for nearly 5 years now. Hope.
Since June or July (I'm too lazy to check back entries and figure it out) I've been actively struggling to get myself out of the hole I was in spiritually and emotionally. I wanted to be back in school, and I decided to go at it full bore regardless of how bleak my financial situation might look. I applied on time, but due to a mis-communication (this is diplomacy speaking, here. I want to say idiot student worker, but I won't. I guess I just did. Oops.) I ended up not having everything I needed as the rest of the school got their awards.
By the time I found out there was more paperwork needed, classes were already well under way. Fortunately, I completely ignored the first person who told me it wasn't possible to consolidate the Perkins loan from 2003 that was holding up the whole process.
It's November 24th, and I've now waited months for one financial entity, weeks for a check to get mailed to my old school, days for that school to fax the letter that clears my final past loan from default and weeks again for NIU's financial aid office to process all of that, review it, and send me the notification so that I could accept it. Now that I've done all that, I hope to God it doesn't take weeks to get to the Bursar because classes that I want (nay, NEED) are already filling up for spring semester and I can see the cap and gown in my very near future.
I say very near because for the last 4 years I have been ...I guess "wallowing in self pity" would be harsh but true. Life hit me like a speed train in 2007 and although I'm still recovering, for the first time since that January I feel like living might actually present some viable options for the future. Six months from now I could be bawling my eyes out at the Convocation center in DeKalb with a handful of friends and family watching from the arena. NINE YEARS ago I decided that in order to support myself and my son in this world, I had to get an education. I've lost so many people along the way, but I've gained a family and now, finally, I'm going to gain my B.A. in Journalism. I feel sort of numb, when I thought for sure that I'd have a good long cry once I finally got the news that I could graduate.
Don't get me wrong: our financial challenges are not over, not by a long shot. But I started this semester only half sure that my financial aid situation would work itself out at all, and as time went by I began to wonder if I was going to find myself ONE SEMESTER away from a bachelors degree and then run out of time or funding (or both). It seriously would have driven me into a padded room and one of those jackets that teaches you to love yourself a lot. Hopefully mine would have extra straps, because I would squirm a lot, I'm sure.
That fantasy scenario is fading fast, though. Today I checked my financial aid award notification email and (fingers crossed, knock on wood, do whatever you have to) it looks like I'm not only going to be able to cover this semester plus child care, but next semester as well (plus childcare). Sure I'll be over $60,000 in the hole by the time all is said and done... but I'm so used to being screwed by my own poverty it's becoming sort of normal.
It feels pretty strange, thinking that for the next semester I won't have to overcome guilt every time I walk past the secretary's desk at the day care because I haven't paid my bill. Hell, next semester I can even purchase the TEXTBOOKS for my classes... Although I'm grateful to say that my grades will be above decent this semester, I'm a mix of proud and dissapointed that I managed to pull it off without purchasing a single book. Next semester I won't be taking that chance.
Anyhoo... this Thanksgiving I got what I've wanted for nearly 5 years now. Hope.