(no subject)
Cut for the heavy shit
First of all, hit play. It's a great acoustic cover.
The first time this song jerked the tears right out of my eyes was after my friend Emma died. I sobbed for a good eighty miles with this song on repeat, and I can barely listen to it without thinking of her. I always keep some song in mind for someone in my life who has died. This was sort of Emma's secondary song (Her primary is "For Good" from Wicked)
This is the first time another person has usurped another's song. I started singing this to my mom earlier, namely the chorus. It seemed like it was something my uncle would say.
He died, you see. Monday. I was the first person they called, because it was my last day off of work. I'm the one who had to tell my mom.
She has lost two brothers and a father within a year. It's been hard. We knew Mark was dying when he came to see my grandfather, his last day. His eyes were yellow. Jaundice. Liver failure. Somehow I even managed to suss out kidney failure. He was hospitalized two or three weeks later. This past Sunday, he just insisted that he had to go home, come hell or high water. He succeeded. I drove my cousin in from Austin, got her home. The next morning I got the call.
I had the day to have my random breakdowns. I was out and a song came on, some lady singing "I love my dad". I saw my mom, my cousins whose fathers have now passed, and I saw me crying over my own father. He's now the oldest male relative, with the exception of his own, older brother. I don't know what to make of it, except that everyone seemed shocked today at that realization. He's 63. The next oldest male relative is 52.
That's not the point of this, though. Nor is boasting that "Hey, I've started my dream job, and once I get a routine going, I'll be much more settled. I'll be able to clean out my room, whittle down my shit and move out where I can have my own space, do my own thing, stop being a grief counselor for my family". The point is to say that I'm okay.
This is going to be long; a stream of consciousness post because that's how I work things out.
My horoscope for the year said that there would be loss. That this loss was a cosmic trimming of the detritus, of the old, or infirm, or toxic. On some things, I had to agree, but not on this. It was what was true, what I needed to hear, but I hated it.
The horoscope, as horoscopes tend to, got it wrong. These deaths showed me what was in my life, what I need to do to be happy and what I need to get rid of, and there's no good way to say any of it.
Here's the short version: I'm living in the Light, I'm spreading my sermon through action and deed rather than in word. I need to practice my Balance, because only then will I be satisfied with myself. I will always drop everything for friends and family in need, and I will coach them through the hard times. I will stand by them through thick and thin if they'll have me, but I won't make anyone do anything. I can't force it, and they need to have their autonomy. I love deeply, I hate powerfully, and I stand my ground. I am the staff others lean on, silent and tall and proud, but I am also a tree, drawing the emotions of others, swaying in the wind, but not needing to lean on anyone or anything else... yet.
To be truly happy, I need to be useful, helpful. I have to be member to an Earth-shattering love, and nothing else will do. I will never let my own family, should I have one, become as bitter and hateful as my parents' has been. I love them, with all my heart, but they are contributing to my slow destruction by relegating me to the role of child whenever they have things in hand, and expecting me to be the adult, the parent, when they cant. That others treat me the same way is a problem, as is the way some "friends" seem to think that they can ignore me, walk over me and I will always be there for them in return, like a dog (Dogs are loyal, but when abused, they can turn on their owners). I've cut most of them out of my life. Sometimes, I feel isolated, but I know that part of that is my own damned fault, because I don't reach out as much as I could.
Come to think of it, I don't know where I'm going with this. What I DO know is that I'm on the right path. I'm tired. I'm worn out. But I'm starting to do what I need to do. I DID start my dream job, a career that I'm looking forward to more than I can say. Kat and I have preliminary plans to move in together again, and that will make my world so much better, so much happier. I'm going to settle into a routine within the next couple of weeks, without people coming and going and dying and shattering my world. I'll start running again, and sleeping more than three or four hours a night, and all will be well.
TL;DR: I've worked hard, I've suffered, and I've lost several people in the past year (The past several years). Finally, I can get where I want to go. The pain has purchased me the start, the push, I needed. Now, it's my job to run with it, and run I will.
Decedent: Song
Emma : For Good--Wicked Soundtrack
Kayla : ( Not a song... A poetry style. Slam Poetry, to be precise)
Greg : Long May You Run-- Young and Stihls Band / I Know You're Out There Somewhere - The Moody Blues
Hannah : ( I don't know the title, but it was a German song )
Grandpa : Any Classical music, especially Bach
Mark : Leave Out All The Rest--Linkin Park (Also, any Blues music right now just gets to me)
First of all, hit play. It's a great acoustic cover.
Click to viewThe first time this song jerked the tears right out of my eyes was after my friend Emma died. I sobbed for a good eighty miles with this song on repeat, and I can barely listen to it without thinking of her. I always keep some song in mind for someone in my life who has died. This was sort of Emma's secondary song (Her primary is "For Good" from Wicked)
This is the first time another person has usurped another's song. I started singing this to my mom earlier, namely the chorus. It seemed like it was something my uncle would say.
He died, you see. Monday. I was the first person they called, because it was my last day off of work. I'm the one who had to tell my mom.
She has lost two brothers and a father within a year. It's been hard. We knew Mark was dying when he came to see my grandfather, his last day. His eyes were yellow. Jaundice. Liver failure. Somehow I even managed to suss out kidney failure. He was hospitalized two or three weeks later. This past Sunday, he just insisted that he had to go home, come hell or high water. He succeeded. I drove my cousin in from Austin, got her home. The next morning I got the call.
I had the day to have my random breakdowns. I was out and a song came on, some lady singing "I love my dad". I saw my mom, my cousins whose fathers have now passed, and I saw me crying over my own father. He's now the oldest male relative, with the exception of his own, older brother. I don't know what to make of it, except that everyone seemed shocked today at that realization. He's 63. The next oldest male relative is 52.
That's not the point of this, though. Nor is boasting that "Hey, I've started my dream job, and once I get a routine going, I'll be much more settled. I'll be able to clean out my room, whittle down my shit and move out where I can have my own space, do my own thing, stop being a grief counselor for my family". The point is to say that I'm okay.
This is going to be long; a stream of consciousness post because that's how I work things out.
My horoscope for the year said that there would be loss. That this loss was a cosmic trimming of the detritus, of the old, or infirm, or toxic. On some things, I had to agree, but not on this. It was what was true, what I needed to hear, but I hated it.
The horoscope, as horoscopes tend to, got it wrong. These deaths showed me what was in my life, what I need to do to be happy and what I need to get rid of, and there's no good way to say any of it.
Here's the short version: I'm living in the Light, I'm spreading my sermon through action and deed rather than in word. I need to practice my Balance, because only then will I be satisfied with myself. I will always drop everything for friends and family in need, and I will coach them through the hard times. I will stand by them through thick and thin if they'll have me, but I won't make anyone do anything. I can't force it, and they need to have their autonomy. I love deeply, I hate powerfully, and I stand my ground. I am the staff others lean on, silent and tall and proud, but I am also a tree, drawing the emotions of others, swaying in the wind, but not needing to lean on anyone or anything else... yet.
To be truly happy, I need to be useful, helpful. I have to be member to an Earth-shattering love, and nothing else will do. I will never let my own family, should I have one, become as bitter and hateful as my parents' has been. I love them, with all my heart, but they are contributing to my slow destruction by relegating me to the role of child whenever they have things in hand, and expecting me to be the adult, the parent, when they cant. That others treat me the same way is a problem, as is the way some "friends" seem to think that they can ignore me, walk over me and I will always be there for them in return, like a dog (Dogs are loyal, but when abused, they can turn on their owners). I've cut most of them out of my life. Sometimes, I feel isolated, but I know that part of that is my own damned fault, because I don't reach out as much as I could.
Come to think of it, I don't know where I'm going with this. What I DO know is that I'm on the right path. I'm tired. I'm worn out. But I'm starting to do what I need to do. I DID start my dream job, a career that I'm looking forward to more than I can say. Kat and I have preliminary plans to move in together again, and that will make my world so much better, so much happier. I'm going to settle into a routine within the next couple of weeks, without people coming and going and dying and shattering my world. I'll start running again, and sleeping more than three or four hours a night, and all will be well.
TL;DR: I've worked hard, I've suffered, and I've lost several people in the past year (The past several years). Finally, I can get where I want to go. The pain has purchased me the start, the push, I needed. Now, it's my job to run with it, and run I will.
Decedent: Song
Emma : For Good--Wicked Soundtrack
Kayla : ( Not a song... A poetry style. Slam Poetry, to be precise)
Greg : Long May You Run-- Young and Stihls Band / I Know You're Out There Somewhere - The Moody Blues
Hannah : ( I don't know the title, but it was a German song )
Grandpa : Any Classical music, especially Bach
Mark : Leave Out All The Rest--Linkin Park (Also, any Blues music right now just gets to me)