My Off-and-On Problem: Loneliness
Ah, the loneliness!
Yep, it's been visiting me lately...even though I try to lock it out, it always manages to pick the lock and get back in somehow.
I know feeling lonely has alot to do with me, because I've been so busy I feel like I never have time to call people, even getting emails written is a toughie. My throat has also been very sensitive and I can't talk alot, because it starts hurting badly. When you talk-talk-talk for a living, it wears your throat out.
There's also the semi-constant feeling that I have nothing in common with *most* people.
I don't watch TV. So when people talk about TV shows, I draw a real blank, partly because I know nothing about it and partly because I can't imagine wanting too. People talk about TV alot. UGH.
I do feel blessed that I have a few good friends who I can call here and there. They are amazing and help me to remember that true loving friendships DO still exist.
For me it's definitely quality over quantity. The tough thing is that most of my really good friends never seem to live where I live.
The thing I value most about a friend is this: the state of contentment when we are together.
Which is to say, that when you hang out with someone and you can tell they are just not really THERE with you...you can feel them wanting to leave, they'll say things like 'Oh I have to run soon, etc.' It leaves you feeling like they really don't want to be with you at the time. Like there is always something or someone more important than you are.
Most people sadly do this. I don't even think they realize they are doing it most of the time.
Even people I really like have a tendency to make me feel like there's always someone else they'd rather be around than me. Alot of people also have this odd thing where they need to be seen as cool or special. Whether it's the music they are into, their religion, their kids, etc. And none of those things are bad...I certainly have my share of interests. But it's that feeling that if you're not into it as well, they put a bit of a wall up and you're left with that 'you're just not one of the people deemed cool enough for me to let you in all the way' thing.
Something to reflect on...I know I do...try asking the question: Do I leave people out just because they aren't as into my interests as I am?
The main person I know who is not like this is my friend Ashley. We met in Portland, but had known each other online before that. She ended up moving to Washington, so after a few years in Oregon I didn't get to see her very much. We always talked on the phone and she always was very encouraging to me in tough times. She's got a very compassionate heart, which is amazing too. I never feel 'rushed' when I'm with Ashley. We don't have to be doing anything big or special...but I never feel like she's bored with my company or wishing for something other than what is.
Dirk has that quality too. He and Ashley are both Capricorns with Cancer rising...maybe that's it...but I sure wish there were more of them in the world.
I also realize that parts of this are coming from my own ego...it's need to be wanted and special to others and it's frustration when it doesn't get that.
However this isn't really about being coddled or given special treatment...it's just about wanting people to be present with me when we're together. Sometimes I think I scare people because I have a tendency to be really blunt and painfully honest. What most folks don't realize about me is that underneath my tough Capricorn exterior, I'm extremely soft and squishy inside. I cry easily and feel things deeply. I pick up on stuff they probably never think I notice. I guess this helps me be good at my psychic work, but it kinda sucks on a day-to-day level.
Anyways...rememeber to hug each other and when you're with a friend follow the same protocol you would use in an acting class:
1. Show up
2. Be present
3. Tell the truth
Yep, it's been visiting me lately...even though I try to lock it out, it always manages to pick the lock and get back in somehow.
I know feeling lonely has alot to do with me, because I've been so busy I feel like I never have time to call people, even getting emails written is a toughie. My throat has also been very sensitive and I can't talk alot, because it starts hurting badly. When you talk-talk-talk for a living, it wears your throat out.
There's also the semi-constant feeling that I have nothing in common with *most* people.
I don't watch TV. So when people talk about TV shows, I draw a real blank, partly because I know nothing about it and partly because I can't imagine wanting too. People talk about TV alot. UGH.
I do feel blessed that I have a few good friends who I can call here and there. They are amazing and help me to remember that true loving friendships DO still exist.
For me it's definitely quality over quantity. The tough thing is that most of my really good friends never seem to live where I live.
The thing I value most about a friend is this: the state of contentment when we are together.
Which is to say, that when you hang out with someone and you can tell they are just not really THERE with you...you can feel them wanting to leave, they'll say things like 'Oh I have to run soon, etc.' It leaves you feeling like they really don't want to be with you at the time. Like there is always something or someone more important than you are.
Most people sadly do this. I don't even think they realize they are doing it most of the time.
Even people I really like have a tendency to make me feel like there's always someone else they'd rather be around than me. Alot of people also have this odd thing where they need to be seen as cool or special. Whether it's the music they are into, their religion, their kids, etc. And none of those things are bad...I certainly have my share of interests. But it's that feeling that if you're not into it as well, they put a bit of a wall up and you're left with that 'you're just not one of the people deemed cool enough for me to let you in all the way' thing.
Something to reflect on...I know I do...try asking the question: Do I leave people out just because they aren't as into my interests as I am?
The main person I know who is not like this is my friend Ashley. We met in Portland, but had known each other online before that. She ended up moving to Washington, so after a few years in Oregon I didn't get to see her very much. We always talked on the phone and she always was very encouraging to me in tough times. She's got a very compassionate heart, which is amazing too. I never feel 'rushed' when I'm with Ashley. We don't have to be doing anything big or special...but I never feel like she's bored with my company or wishing for something other than what is.
Dirk has that quality too. He and Ashley are both Capricorns with Cancer rising...maybe that's it...but I sure wish there were more of them in the world.
I also realize that parts of this are coming from my own ego...it's need to be wanted and special to others and it's frustration when it doesn't get that.
However this isn't really about being coddled or given special treatment...it's just about wanting people to be present with me when we're together. Sometimes I think I scare people because I have a tendency to be really blunt and painfully honest. What most folks don't realize about me is that underneath my tough Capricorn exterior, I'm extremely soft and squishy inside. I cry easily and feel things deeply. I pick up on stuff they probably never think I notice. I guess this helps me be good at my psychic work, but it kinda sucks on a day-to-day level.
Anyways...rememeber to hug each other and when you're with a friend follow the same protocol you would use in an acting class:
1. Show up
2. Be present
3. Tell the truth