Deja Vu
I'm starting to think that what used to be just mild "deja vu" is actually me going, slowly, but surely, insane.
My feelings of deja vu are often like the flash of a photo, it's only this exact frame right here that seems familiar, and I'm certain that if I could just remember properly, I could fill it out to a whole picture or a short video and then I could figure out what I was remembering. Sometimes I have the same deja vu multiple times, and that's when it starts to sound especially insane: "I know that I've almost-not remembered this exact thing that I don't remember now, before!"
I'm never certain what things are memories of actual events and what things are dreams. I can only really distinguish the dreams when they defy obvious laws of physics or rationality.
For example, I am certain that nobody has ever tried to force me to buy lots of chapstick, because as I reasonably pointed out in my dream, I have way more than I actually use and I keep acquiring more, so there's no logical reason for me to need any. But there was something else in that dream before that, something with flavors of D/s and not being able to take care of myself or maybe I was injured, I'm not sure, but I can't remember the rest of it.
I was trying to remember events before I moved to Madison, the chronological order of my previous relationships, and I got lost enough and uncertain that I wasn't even sure that the last time I remembered talking to Tony was actually real. I recall once having a week or two long conversation, he was telling me things that had happened in the year since we had ended all communication, and he was trying, I think, to engage me in a friendship again. I was struggling because I found his voice attractive and it was hard to not be reminded of our old relationship. ... But then, I couldn't place these events in any kind of time frame. I was certain they had happened... but how? I was almost certain that he had tried to come back and play on Myth Drannor under a new login. But when did that happen? And I became confused and uncertain that they ever really did happen. And now, in fact, I'm still confused.
You see, I've lost my mind.
My feelings of deja vu are often like the flash of a photo, it's only this exact frame right here that seems familiar, and I'm certain that if I could just remember properly, I could fill it out to a whole picture or a short video and then I could figure out what I was remembering. Sometimes I have the same deja vu multiple times, and that's when it starts to sound especially insane: "I know that I've almost-not remembered this exact thing that I don't remember now, before!"
I'm never certain what things are memories of actual events and what things are dreams. I can only really distinguish the dreams when they defy obvious laws of physics or rationality.
For example, I am certain that nobody has ever tried to force me to buy lots of chapstick, because as I reasonably pointed out in my dream, I have way more than I actually use and I keep acquiring more, so there's no logical reason for me to need any. But there was something else in that dream before that, something with flavors of D/s and not being able to take care of myself or maybe I was injured, I'm not sure, but I can't remember the rest of it.
I was trying to remember events before I moved to Madison, the chronological order of my previous relationships, and I got lost enough and uncertain that I wasn't even sure that the last time I remembered talking to Tony was actually real. I recall once having a week or two long conversation, he was telling me things that had happened in the year since we had ended all communication, and he was trying, I think, to engage me in a friendship again. I was struggling because I found his voice attractive and it was hard to not be reminded of our old relationship. ... But then, I couldn't place these events in any kind of time frame. I was certain they had happened... but how? I was almost certain that he had tried to come back and play on Myth Drannor under a new login. But when did that happen? And I became confused and uncertain that they ever really did happen. And now, in fact, I'm still confused.
You see, I've lost my mind.