Time is Slippery
So I had a few sessions with the therapist and then stopped going. I was having that thing where I just didn’t want to go because trying to discuss things was too painful and fuck I don’t know. Also, I didn’t feel so bad for a while. I liked Susan, I think I appreciated her perspective and the way she would rephrase things, but it was just ugh I don’t want to go, thinking about going is, by itself, depressing. Wtf?
It’s the end of the semester, and now I’m feeling pinched and crushed again and wondering where the fuck the semester went because I have like… really two weeks or so left and that’s it, final exams and it’s over. And rather than being excited I feel… depressed about that. Not just because OMFG exams and papers and AHHH! But also:
Where did the semester go? Why don’t I feel like I enjoyed it? Four months of my life, at least three out of the five classes I signed up for I expected to be really enthused about. And yet… it’s most just been a drag. Even though… like, when I focus on reading for LGBT Studies or Feminist Theory, I love the work. I love the readings, you know-so why is this so hard? Why do I hate doing it?
As Susan put it to me, what’s in my head is definitely the Language of Depression-but fuck, WHY?! I’m so tired of this shit. I want to do well! Why do I not want to do well! Why is there so much crazy!
In therapy, we discussed the possibility of feelings of resentment and frustration towards a) the world at large and this whole “Goddamned stupid piece of paper” degree bullshit, and why oh why do I have to jump through these hoops to prove things to the world and b) my parents, because I am currently completely financially dependent on them and it makes me feel… bad, whenever I do absolutely anything other than just work on school work (which, frankly, I spend a lot of time doing things other than school work, which should naturally lead to the conclusion that: I feel like shit a lot.)
I’m not… really certain that’s enough though. It doesn’t feel like enough.
I’ve been thinking about these a lot over the last few weeks, and I’ve come to a different, more all encompassing conclusion that: I feel… out of sync with… Time.
I feel like the phrase “Time Management Skills” (and it’s obvious association with organization, and ADHD, etc.) is far too weak to describe how I feel.
I have this desperate need to find the pause button and make everything just STOP. For a minute, a few minutes, an hour, a few days-something. The whole world to STOP. So I can reorient myself. I don’t mean breaks, like spring break or a weekend or summer break-those are all too long and too short at the same time, because time is still slipping franticly by. The “Monday,” the point at which the break is over, is still careening at me through time, along with all of the commitments and due dates and things that I can’t get a handle on. It feels like whack-a-mole, you know, you turn in one assignment and five more appear!
That, and I don’t really know what to do with myself during these predetermined breaks. I feel like I “should” be doing something, in order to… I don’t know, how do you make the most of relaxing? It’s never restful. Most of my memories of summer, winter and spring breaks from school involve lounging idly, sleeping late and staying up late, doing absolutely nothing of importance (often despite my prior plans fantasies of “productivity” or “catching up”), royally fucking up my sleep schedule. And when it’s time to go back to work/school/whatever, I don’t feel the slightest bit rested or rejuvenated.
Which is why the whole notion of “taking a break” and getting a drink with some friends or going out or whatever (you know, aside from social anxiety potentials) just doesn’t even… like this doesn’t seem like a solution at all. It will only compound the amount of time I’m losing because it’s all slipping through my fingers like sand and I can’t make it stop.
Which reminds me: That fear of sleep. Because sleep means losing time. Sometimes I just want to do nothing but sleep because it’s the only way to escape, but sometimes I just become afraid of sleeping because I can’t afford to lose more time.
I feel like I’m… falling through Time. Like it’s not at all firm or stable, like it moves too fast or too slow or both.
My sense of time flowing is insane, I know. Or at least, I think. During the semester I can simultaneously feel like everything is rushing by too fast and I don’t have time to get anything done and I have no time during the week and I can’t afford to focus on anything but school-but also that it moves so slow, because I’m waiting, waiting, waiting to do something else be somewhere else I’m not really sure.
I think this is related to the insanely long list of all the “things” I want to do. I have this frustrating sense that I’m never in the right place. I’m 27 and I’m still working on an undergrad degree and that’s frustrating as fuck because I want to be in grad school. So of course all of my work seems tedious and like I should be past this even when it’s genuinely intriguing and ought to be able to hold my attention. I ‘m here in Madison supposed to be focusing on school but I want to be writing and doing research on sex, or I want to be working on advocacy campaigns for women’s health and reproductive rights, or I want to be out Occupying the streets and not stuck here in classes. But the thing is, I am pretty sure, that I want to be here too, but I want it to be over, finished. So I can get on to the next thing. I’m tired of this thing already.
But I’ve felt this way… so much. I wasn’t working on the things I wanted to be working on when I lived in Gainesville, or Fayetteville, or when I moved back in with my parents. I spent a year and a half being hard-core focused on school so I could get the fuck out and now that I’m here-I don’t want to be. Or don’t feel like I want to be. At one point I thought it was just the feeling of “I need to get things together.” Now I’m not so sure that it’s not just a persistent feeling… Particularly when, I put so much energy in my mind in 2009-2010 trying to get here.
I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I don’t really feel like I live here, in Madison. I think I sort of, float in a listless sort of way. I exist, but I don’t really feel like I live here. And I have no idea how to solve this because again… Time. Falling through it. It won’t stop.
Sometimes I attempt to Corral Time. (Trust me, I do not “manage” it, it’s more accurately a battle of trying to figure out who is in control of this universe…) I try to schedule my assignments on multiple calendars and even jot down reminders like a week or a few days in advance (depending on how large the project is) and I try to make lists of all of the readings that I should be working on for the week-This. Takes. So. Much. Energy.
But otherwise, I will go to my classes and then between classes I won’t have any idea what I ought to be working on or how to prioritize anything, and I’ll get out of class around 1pm and think, “…I have no idea where I should be. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing right now. I have no idea where to go.” And I’ll just stand there, lost, uncertain.
Sometimes I will try to make lists in my head because I am walking and lose track of them before I even get to sit down. Which just increases the sense of “there was something I was supposed to be doing, but now I can’t remember…”
(Fyi, trying to google ways to articulate what I’m feeling is not helping. Now I’m wondering if I’m having bipolar symptoms. Are they still bipolar symptoms if I’m fairly confident about their cause? i.e., the pinching feeling of the end of the semester?)
Screaming. In my head.