Daddy Games, and Craigslist Monster Furniture
I just emailed my dad, to tell him I just spent an hour crying while laughing and nearly peed my pants. I AM TOTALLY AN ADULT.
To be fair, it was a totally logical email.
I spent-okay well actually like three hours chatting with my friend Lauren over AIM, a lot of which consisted of random non sequiturs screaming in all caps. Because that’s how we communicate with each other. It’s because of the distance. Long distance relationships take WORK you know. It helps to yell in typeface. But anyway.
So I was actually just browsing craigslist (NO I AM NOT ADDICTED! I CAN STOP ANY TIME I WANT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?) looking at things and I found… This:
According to the ad it is some kind of “exercise chair.” … I am convinced that the “exercise” involved is the fact that you DON’T ACTUALLY GET TO SIT ANYWHERE. (Upon further inspection after I learned to read I realized it was an exercise ball chair. Which makes way more sense. … Not.)* But it reminded me of this game my dad used to play with us when we were small. When I say small I mean smaller than last week when my jeans still fit me before I ate all that ice cream. (Oops.)
Observe:
ari 2:31 am
oh I figured it out
you're supposed to put an exercise ball in it
which is not pictured
Mr. Toad:
is that like falling into the toilet as a small child
OH
okay
ari 2:31 am
AND THAT EXPLAINS A LOT
I about peed my pants brb
Mr. Toad 2:32 am
bhahahahahahaha
I once fell into the toilet
I was like 4 or something
I slipped in
while doing my business
it was terrible/hysterical in retrospect
ari 2:32 am
LOL
Mr. Toad 2:32 am
GO PEE
ari 2:32 am
I don't know if I ever told-- I did
told you
but...
Mr. Toad 2:33 am
you fell into the toilet?
ari 2:33 am
The toilet flush game was the-- NO
I peed already
Mr. Toad 2:33 am
lol
ari 2:33 am
anyway
the toilet flush game was THE GREATEST GAME EVER my dad used to play with us
Mr. Toad 2:33 am
continue!
ari 2:33 am
Which sounds HORRIBLE
Mr. Toad 2:33 am
hahahahahaha what
what did you do
how does one play this game
is it like that youtube video of that cat repeatedly flushing a toilet?
ari 2:34 am
Well he would sit in his lazy chair thing, with his one leg crossed over the other with the ankle on the knee, you know...
so that there was an open triangle in the middle
and, by the way when I was little everybody wanted to sit in mom/dad's lap
but my dad always wanted to read the paper in the mornings on Saturdays
Now that I think about it, this may have originally came about because he was trying to get a kid off his lap or something
And he puts out his arm like the toilet lever
and you push it down, and his leg drops and you go FLUSH (with appropriate WHOOOSHing sound effects mind you) sliding down his legs to get dumped on the floor.
THIS. WAS. HYSTERICAL. when I was like 6.
Mr. Toad 2:35 am
hahahahahahahahahahaha awwww
that's adorable lol
Then there was some other gabbering for a little while, and yet another story time episode of my youth:
ari 2:39 am
seriously I adored my dad. mom too but she never played the toilet flush game.
also she never played "Puffin Attacks" right either.
I once asked my mom why they had kids
and she said, "because it was fun"
Mr. Toad 2:40 am
hahahahahaha
ari 2:40 am
and that answer never made sense to me until just. now.
Mr. Toad 2:40 am
I'm SURE she meant that she knew it would be fun to have children.
:P
Mr. Toad 2:40 am
and what was puffin attacks
you had all these games!
ari 2:41 am
no I mean I asked why she decided she wanted to have kids and she said well they had me and they decided it was so much fun that they wanted to have a few more.
Mr. Toad 2:41 am
hahahaha
ahhh okay
ari 2:41 am
LOL "Puffin Attacks" was how dad woke us up when we were being really stubborn
when my sister was still a baby and before my parents built the addition onto the house, my brother and I shared a room
....And... we... had... an... avalanche of stuffed animals.
Mr. Toad 2:42 am
hehehehe
I did, too
ari 2:42 am
We had so many stuffed animals that if you put them on the beds there would be no room left for any kids.
Mr. Toad 2:42 am
:D
ari 2:42 am
if you let them collect on the floor you could barely walk
It was wonderful
... but not according to the parents.
Mr. Toad 2:42 am
aww
but stuffed animals are awesome
ari 2:42 am
So somewhere they acquired this "toy organizing system"
That was in fact... plastic chains that hung down the walls with clips on them
so you could clip all the animals up on the walls and then they wouldn't be on the floors or the beds or anything
Also, the first time this contraption was put together, I was HORRIFIED!
That they were going to hurt the stuffed animals and they were going to be tortured hanging on the walls by their little ears or arms or legs.
Mr. Toad 2:43 am
NOOOOO THEY LYNCHED MR. SNUGGLES
ari 2:44 am
I figured that the clips were pinchy and must hurt, and then dear god, to hang there for hours by just one arm!
.... I am pretty sure that my parents about died trying to hide their laughter
I'm sure I would have too
but you know AT THE TIME I really was very serious
because I remember being worried about them.
Mr. Toad 2:45 am
awwww
ari 2:45 am
anyway so now we had all these stuffed animals all organized-- also some of them collected up on top of the bookshelf
and now at 7am on a Sunday morning little people are not very good early risers when they know that there is hebrew school awaiting
so my dad just decided to start attacking us with stuffed animals
(Perfectly normal decision, obviously. Who wouldn't? All the ammo is just hanging.right.there. after all.)
My brother, for some truly unknown reason, had a stuffed puffin.
And my dad would take it and hold it in his hand with his thumb and pinky finger holding it ‘just so,’ so that the wings would be wide open like it was flying
And scream in a high pitched voice, "PUFFIN ATTAAAAACKS!!!”
And dive bomb us. Repeatedly.
this story sounds ludicrous as I try to explain it in text, by the way.
Mr. Toad 2:47 am
hahahahahahahaahaha
that's amusing
…So then I emailed my dad with a much shorter rendition of the evening, because I figured that if he is going to be the main event of an hour long conversation that leaves me nearly in tears and also very nearly in need of a change of underwear-Doesn’t he deserve to know about it? Doesn’t he deserve at least that much, after all these years?! Also, who knows how much longer we have and anyway when you love someone you should really tell them about how much they make you nearly pee your pants. Also after I hit send, I was reminded of my grandma/his mom, who always wanted to know “why don’t you ever call?? You never call, you never visit! You never write!”
So yeah. I love my dad. I adored him as a child. And I swear I wasn’t abused or molested or anything, it’s just that my dad was really weird. (Also, I really miss you grandma.)
…Which hopefully explains a lot for you, generally speaking.
_________
*Note: Upon serious further inspection, apparently you’re supposed to ADD an exercise ball to the pictured chair monstrosity, which you then sit on said ball itself. But I am still convinced that this is actually one of those “exercise” contraptions that are secretly torture devices.
2nd Note: I have since been informed, at various points in my adult life, by my mother, that there were quite a number of these episodes when I was little wherein my parents were barely hanging on by a thread trying not to fall over themselves in hysterics, only I didn't realize it because I was so.srs.face over such very.importantbizniz things as stuffed animal torture. There's an episode about shoes talking too loud on the stairs, I think, among others. And now I realize talking to my friends that have kids, that this is actually what parenting is about and it has nothing at all to do with raising responsible adults and everything to do with DearGodJustPleaseDon'tLetThemSeeMeLaughingatThemOhMyGodThatWasFunny.