(no subject)
I was free once,
I remember flying.
I remember before
before I built walls,
and fences.
I remember flying,
and I miss
the freedom in
release from control,
I was free once,
in submission
to commands
mantras of freedom.
A long road has taken me,
you have taken me away
from you.
My power is my cage,
before I built fences,
I remember flying.
I remember before,
a richness of pleasure,
dances in burning embers
matras of freedom.
Released from my cage,
I had to built fences,
to keep me from following
the long road back to you.
Blossoming heat
long echos fade
in the past of where I flew.
You have taken me away,
but one day, I will fly.
________
I just finally got a chance to watch The Secretary, a movie that everyone seems to be telling me I should have seen. (And if you couldn't tell vaguely even if you didn't know quite what from, from the poem above, shame on you for not knowing me at all and yet reading my blog.) I don't entirely know how to feel, I feel connected and yet not with the characters, as if it were a glimpse of my past that I only remember from a dream. It seems so long ago to me that I felt so torn up and raw over wanting to be submissive, and likewise a lifetime ago since I last had those feelings; I don't know whether to miss it or not, the freedom of being commanded to do things.
I don't know how to reconcile my exhaustive flame for liberty, while also embracing the burning lust for dominion. I want too much in life, I think, to be both lightning rod and lightning bolt in the same body. It seems so foggy and distant, like a memory of a dream that maybe I should just forget. I don't know where to look anymore. I stopped thinking of myself as "a submissive" per se, almost a year ago now, because I couldn't figure out who I wanted to be.
So, in lieu of a more complete understanding of myself as illuminated by the movie, I should just write down some passing thoughts:
I hate how the female/submissive is portrayed as a self-mutilator, that seems to just have traded in one form of self-loathing for another. I love how Spader's character looks so concerned/relieved when he orders her never to cut herself again, but I feel like Maggie should have released a more obvious sigh of relief. I hate that Maggie slouches/slumps her shoulders and posture throughout the whole movie, like she is just dragging herself around, there could have been more fire lighting her up towards the second half. I hate that Spader's character hates himself enough not to realize who he is, that he needs to put Maggie through a trial by fire to prove her love of him. I love the scene of him picking her up from slumber, carrying her upstairs and washing her hair. I love the understated music. I love the (close to) ending scene of their having sex with her tied to a tree, and the fact that when he stops treating her sadistically and reverts to a business relationship, she's a rascally brat trying to snare his attentioin. I think the scene with the collar and arm bar in the middle of the movie was kind of unnecessary, there only for the daft vanilla viewers who couldn't figure out without the giimicks what the content of the relationship was. I hate that I know that the self-mutilation-turned-BDSM-relationship formula is the most understandable/digestible for most audiences, because a normal self-aware submissive-even-as-a-teen getting into a typical BDSM relationship would not be much of a movie.
I love/hate that her punishment for being a brat is not getting punished.