Various Jumbled Mumblings about the Usual Suspects
Have a lot of things on my mind lately, this post is probably going to be a bit jumbled.
In psych class today we went over the definitions of heterosexism and homophobia (I have another post pending in more detail discussing homo- and bi-phobias that came up because of topics touched on in class, but I’ll post that later), and in leaving class got caught up in a discussion with a classmate about the difficulty of trying to seek out same-sex relationships, when cross-sex ones are so much easier to access because of the assumed normality of heterosexuality and the relative ease of at least finding willing, if not hugely compatible, cross-sex partners in one’s immediate circles.
The girl I was talking with described herself as “mostly straight,” but also acknowledging her experience of attractions for women as well. We laughed about how it feels like heterosexual relationships are just “So much EASIER” - to find, anyway. (Not necessarily, to conduct oneself in.) What I didn’t get to express is that some of this can be muted or exaggerated depending on the social circles one pursues, as I myself have determined that in the future when I move off the University (that’s when, not if, damnit!) that I need to make sure I am actively engaging myself in finding and participating in the LGBT community, as well as kink, feminism, social justice groups, etc., so that I have more exposure to people that are generally open to the ideas and experiences I am looking for (which sounds eerily like cruising college clubs for dates but, I promise is intended in a less creepy way.)
Actually, this relates to my musing earlier over the very useful phrase, “carving out slices of happiness” with regards to the ability (and need) to build positive social groups as an adult (well, also as an adolescent, but a lot of social groups throughout childhood are more or less forced upon us.) This phrase caught my attention from a post over on feministing, about a new project by Dan Savage called “It Gets Better” addressing LGBT youth struggling with harassment. Please, oh please, check out www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject! It’s awesome!
This discussion becomes sort of ironic because, as it happens, I had a coffee date set for shortly after class let out. With, none other than a straight man. (D’oh!) Who as it happens is entirely adorable, expressive and loud, open and poly (did I mention possibly kinky and cute?) that sets all of my curiosity tinglers a-fire, who indulged me ever so sweetly in letting me conduct a sex research survey on him in the middle of Starbucks over a cup of coffee. And drove me home afterwards. (How cute is that?) He amusingly reminds me of Joe, and I almost find myself wanting to put them in a room together to see what will happen, because I feel like they’re very similar in terms of evolution of non-monogamy and ideas about infallibility, god and skepticism and all sorts of things. In fact, part of me wonders if they would make good friends because they both seem to be that odd mixture of gregariousness that seems like extroversion, but tends to lend itself to not really bonding deeply with a lot of people, and also an aversion to typical “masculine” hobbies like sports and whatever, that can make it hard to bond with other men. Hmmmm…
Let’s see, what else…
Oh, some interesting thoughts from Hugo Schwyzer (part of me wonders how on earth with a name like that, he still manages to be goyim, but anyway) whom I adore (even though not every single position he takes agrees with my own, esp. in regards to classical feminist hard-balls like pornography and sex work.) This time, Hugo discusses de-emphasizing PIV intercourse as the be-all-end-all of sexual encounters, even when the biological arrangement of genitals in a particular sexual relationship is still 1 male and 1 female. (Which we tend to assume, though I would posit at least intellectually does not always mean “heterosexual,” but can in fact still mean a “queer” relationship. More on this coming.)
This is particularly poignant to me, in part because of my struggles with trying to balance sexuality and a queer identity and feminist politics and submissive fantasies, all my other various opinions and identities, etc. etc. I had toyed with the idea, not all that long ago, of trying to pursue a sexual relationship with a man that did not, or at least only infrequently, included PIV intercourse. What I wanted, mostly, was to try to deconstruct, just in my own mind and in my own relationships, a space where I could pursue fantasizing about sex in arrangements that don’t focus so exclusively on PIV “Fucking.” This is difficult, for me, because a lot of what I fantasize about is hard pounding and being vulnerable, whether through the use of bondage or whatever. I mean, I have attractions to women - this is a fact, not a theory. And I have been moving away from this idea that a woman can’t dominate or penetrate me in that way either, but still, the primary mode of my eroticism holds to this framework and I don’t really understand it completely. (And so, of course, not understanding it and feeling sort of torn about the implications of it, I feel the need to conduct mental experiments on myself. Oh, I am such a queer creature.)
Of course, I am struck with the immediate question of, “how in the hell do I do this?” because, is there really a space for a man to accept “I want to have sex with you, but, don’t put your penis in my vagina, please”? I mean, does that work for anyone? Yes, this is an assumption, and the obvious solution is to simply ask. But I have to honestly wonder if any straight man would be satisfied with this? Regardless, could I be satisfied with this? I mean, all things considered, I quite like this position. I mean, really really. Could I honestly give it up in the pursuit of a scientific endeavor? And maybe that is really my question towards men, because it’s not just, “I’m not interested in that,” or “I’m uncomfortable with that,” but very specifically, “I am conducting an experiment, aaaand I’m going to change our sexual dynamic by requesting that you abstain from putting your cock in me for a while.” Is that cruel? Or is there some sort of heterosexist male-privilege impulse that is influencing this sensation of needing to second-guess the fairness of such a request.
I am more and more convinced that I need to explore this for my own sexual-spiritual growth. After all, the only times in the past that I actively avoided PIV intercourse, was specifically because I was drawing an arbitrary line that said “Okay, but THAT makes it cheating REALLY badly,” like with Rob or Nick in that I just felt the need to “not quite go all the way,” as if that somehow made it not quite so bad. And a part of me suspects that it is important to explore this in a more positive and conscious pursuit, rather than while trying to avoid something worse than the bad that I was already doing.
I’ve recently been also pondering upon the use of the word queer, the meaning of what a “queer relationship” really is-whether it’s about sexuality, or orientation, and this whole heterosexual relationships are easy thing. I finally gave in and put a disclaimer on my okc profile stating that I’m not interested in men, but mostly just straight men that I’m not so interested in, although I didn’t bother to detail the specifics of wanting a queer relationship rather than being about the gender of my sex partners. (It would have turned into a mini-essay which would have just confounded the whole thing.)
Tangentially: I have to wonder if our society so often confuses or conflates the word “gender” to mean “sex”, simply because, we are as a group so uncomfortable with the word “sex”, that it doesn’t even matter that it could be a perfectly appropriate context for the word. I mean, it’s perfectly appropriate to say a baby’s SEX is “male” (or female), but when we are talking to others in anything less than a clinical environment (especially when the audience is a child) we automatically convert over to gender, not biology. Children’s books that attempt to be otherwise medically accurate and helpful while being age appropriate, tend to do this whole “Sex is another word for gender,” and really, it isn’t. We just keep using it that way, because “sex” is too scary, or maybe just too powerful, for adults to utter without automatically making the mental leap to sexuality and intercourse.
Also, Oh. Dear. God. (One of) my worst fears realized in someone else’s life: a teacher in the Bronx was suspended and removed from the classroom pending an investigation, because it came to light that she’s an ex-stripper/ex-prostitute. (Specifically, she chose to be open about her past, like any decent human being ought to be able to do without being shamed for their past experiences.)