Rape Discourse
I’ve been wanting to post this for a while now, I just haven’t had my usual manic energy to propel me to write tons of ranting text explosion.
Sometimes, the discussions that surround the issue of rape (and rape accusations) really leave me uneasy. Is it possible for us to have a nuanced conversation about rape that doesn’t center on the evil-abusers vs. dirty whore polarity? I know this is a controversial topic, and post, so I’m putting it under an lj-cut.
Is it possible to consider that there are… varieties of rape? Severities of rape? Without being accused of being a rape apologist or marginalizing victims?
I know that the people that usually try to pull out this argument, are using it in trying to minimalize the impact of things like date/acquaintance/husband rape. But that’s not what I’m aiming for here.
What I want to be able to say, is that maybe “rape” could some day be not “the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman” (by virtue of the fact that a woman’s virtue is her only redeeming quality and losing it makes her useless property.)
I think one of the things that really bothers me, is when we get to talking about which experiences qualify as rape and which ones don’t, and it’s assumed that other people outside of the situation (exactly how many people are usually participants in a date rape?) should be given equal weight for their opinions. How about if I say, “I don’t feel like I was raped”-then I, as the woman-owner of my own body, should be trusted to be aware enough to know what the fuck was going on? And how about if someone else says, “I feel violated”, that they be the only ones whose opinion matters on that determination?
Over a year ago by now, an ex-boyfriend and I were having a bit of an argument and tussle as I was trying to get ready to leave for an evening class. He really wanted to have sex, or at least I think he was trying to persuade me to skip class that evening and stay home with him, and I wasn’t interested. Due to the dynamic of our relationship and his knowledge of some of my kinks, he saw nothing particularly wrong with pulling down my underwear and fingering/beginning to have sex with me to try to distract me from my goal. I, however, was vehemently annoyed and eventually struggled free after nearly elbowing him in the face, to my recollection. (Actually, I may have also had to safeword out, which also annoyed me, mostly because in my perspective, it was an inappropriate time and action.)
Was I angry because I felt violated? No. I was angry because my words, desires and with regards to school, needs, weren’t being listened to (and this is really, really fucking important in any sort of BDSM relationship.) And what I was adamantly arguing was “No I am not staying home, I’m going to class.” So, was I raped? I say no. But I’ve read accounts from other women, some of which the writers themselves expressed ambivalence about the event, but commenter's are clearly making the decision for her of, “oh yes, you’ve been raped,” followed shortly thereafter with a “what a sleazebag, how dare he do that to you” etc. etc. Now, to be fair, I don’t exactly hold a glowing opinion of this particular ex-bf. And yes, I think I am actually still sort of angry about that particular incident. But I think I’m also within my rights to call it not-rape if I so choose.
Along with this argument, goes a similar argument that women that do feel they’ve been violated should have the right to choose whether or not to pursue the issue with the legal system, without being told that “well then I guess you weren’t really raped.” (As if everyone had such faith in the justice system to be fair and impartial.)
The way I see it, there may be several different “varieties” of “rape”, in the same vein that sociologists Henslin and Henslin in “Social Problems: A Down to Earth Approach” describes several different types of rapists. Some of the ones I can think of:
- Stranger rape. This is the stereotype, the most feared but also the least common. This is the person that breaks into your house with a gun, that follows you into a back alley, that finds you alone on a subway train. But the statistics suggest you’re far more likely to be raped by someone you know, than someone you don’t. This category can include a number of different scenarios, including most of the profiles that Henslin identifies (the woman hater, generally violence-prone man, political, and the opportunist.)
- Drug-Induced Rape. This can include alcohol, or date rape drugs, but use of chemicals to incapacitate the victim so she isn’t aware enough of what’s going on to protest. Gets the most publicity at parties, especially frat houses, but also bars and clubs are “notorious” for this sort of thing. What categorizes this sort of incident is mostly that the victim is incapacitated and physically/mentally unable to defend themselves, and may have to find out from others the events of the previous night (in which case it gets hard to prove in a court case.) This category may typically include the date or acquaintance rapist type as well as the recreational type, but this list is not inclusive/exclusive. Can be mixed with other types.
I argue that there is a fine line here, because I’ve certainly had sex with people that was partially helped along by alcohol (something I prefer to avoid at this point, but that’s for my own mental health and morals), and I definitely don’t count those as rape. The argument that if she’s drunk, she can’t possibly give consent bothers me, because again, I’ve been drunk and still able to give to deny consent. There’s a difference between passed out though, and “inebriated and wobbly but still conscious.” And of course, the ability to maintain a sense of yourself while intoxicated is something learned, and not everybody has. …But all bets are off for intentionally drugging a girl.
- But-We’re-On-A-Date Rape. The only real qualifier here is that the victim did in fact agree to date this person. It doesn’t in any way indicate that they did or did not intend to sleep with this person. It could include both the recreational type on a first-date, as well as a steady relationship or the husband type. It qualifies regardless of whether the victim and the active-participant have had sex previously.
This is the stickiest of situations, and the one that by far the most difficult to get a guilty sentence from in court. It is also most likely that the victim will not want to press criminal charges, even though she can identify her rapist. (Which really frustrates police and prosecutors, and confuses the public.)
- Violent Assault/Sadistic Rape. This type can be mixed with any of the other types, all it means is that the rape included other types of violence outside of any physical trauma induced on the victim by the act of penetration itself. It also qualifies any time the rapist makes use of foreign objects or weapons to hurt the victim (such as sticking in the ass or vagina.) Is often the case with any of the women hater, sadist, generally violence-prone, revenge and political rapist profiles.
(I hate the use of the word sadistic, it makes my heart go out to all of the kind-hearted sadists I know in the scene. Alas, outside of the scene the world has a completely different meaning.)
I’m sort of foggy on if there are any others, mostly because I don’t want to be defining for anyone other than myself, where the line between tipsy and too-much is. I was discussing this with a male friend of mine as I was trying to solidify this post, and have realized that it’s this particular point that is a) so hazy b) causes so much confusion for everyone and c) can tread dangerously into victim-blaming and rape-apologizing.
Because I’ve never experienced rape (and hope not to outside of a well-negotiated scene), I know that I can not fully comprehend the total experience of violation and all of the emotions of doubt and self-blame and so on that go with it. And I also wonder if there is anyone, even one man, out there who had genuinely thought that his partner was having a good time, but found out later she felt herself violated. I wish I could talk to them, get inside their heads and find out how they view the incident-outside of politics, outside of a courtroom or legal proceedings. Away from an audience eager to justify or vilify or moralize. Just to understand. I guess that’s the little bit of the sociologist in me.
Sometimes, the discussions that surround the issue of rape (and rape accusations) really leave me uneasy. Is it possible for us to have a nuanced conversation about rape that doesn’t center on the evil-abusers vs. dirty whore polarity? I know this is a controversial topic, and post, so I’m putting it under an lj-cut.
Is it possible to consider that there are… varieties of rape? Severities of rape? Without being accused of being a rape apologist or marginalizing victims?
I know that the people that usually try to pull out this argument, are using it in trying to minimalize the impact of things like date/acquaintance/husband rape. But that’s not what I’m aiming for here.
What I want to be able to say, is that maybe “rape” could some day be not “the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman” (by virtue of the fact that a woman’s virtue is her only redeeming quality and losing it makes her useless property.)
I think one of the things that really bothers me, is when we get to talking about which experiences qualify as rape and which ones don’t, and it’s assumed that other people outside of the situation (exactly how many people are usually participants in a date rape?) should be given equal weight for their opinions. How about if I say, “I don’t feel like I was raped”-then I, as the woman-owner of my own body, should be trusted to be aware enough to know what the fuck was going on? And how about if someone else says, “I feel violated”, that they be the only ones whose opinion matters on that determination?
Over a year ago by now, an ex-boyfriend and I were having a bit of an argument and tussle as I was trying to get ready to leave for an evening class. He really wanted to have sex, or at least I think he was trying to persuade me to skip class that evening and stay home with him, and I wasn’t interested. Due to the dynamic of our relationship and his knowledge of some of my kinks, he saw nothing particularly wrong with pulling down my underwear and fingering/beginning to have sex with me to try to distract me from my goal. I, however, was vehemently annoyed and eventually struggled free after nearly elbowing him in the face, to my recollection. (Actually, I may have also had to safeword out, which also annoyed me, mostly because in my perspective, it was an inappropriate time and action.)
Was I angry because I felt violated? No. I was angry because my words, desires and with regards to school, needs, weren’t being listened to (and this is really, really fucking important in any sort of BDSM relationship.) And what I was adamantly arguing was “No I am not staying home, I’m going to class.” So, was I raped? I say no. But I’ve read accounts from other women, some of which the writers themselves expressed ambivalence about the event, but commenter's are clearly making the decision for her of, “oh yes, you’ve been raped,” followed shortly thereafter with a “what a sleazebag, how dare he do that to you” etc. etc. Now, to be fair, I don’t exactly hold a glowing opinion of this particular ex-bf. And yes, I think I am actually still sort of angry about that particular incident. But I think I’m also within my rights to call it not-rape if I so choose.
Along with this argument, goes a similar argument that women that do feel they’ve been violated should have the right to choose whether or not to pursue the issue with the legal system, without being told that “well then I guess you weren’t really raped.” (As if everyone had such faith in the justice system to be fair and impartial.)
The way I see it, there may be several different “varieties” of “rape”, in the same vein that sociologists Henslin and Henslin in “Social Problems: A Down to Earth Approach” describes several different types of rapists. Some of the ones I can think of:
- Stranger rape. This is the stereotype, the most feared but also the least common. This is the person that breaks into your house with a gun, that follows you into a back alley, that finds you alone on a subway train. But the statistics suggest you’re far more likely to be raped by someone you know, than someone you don’t. This category can include a number of different scenarios, including most of the profiles that Henslin identifies (the woman hater, generally violence-prone man, political, and the opportunist.)
- Drug-Induced Rape. This can include alcohol, or date rape drugs, but use of chemicals to incapacitate the victim so she isn’t aware enough of what’s going on to protest. Gets the most publicity at parties, especially frat houses, but also bars and clubs are “notorious” for this sort of thing. What categorizes this sort of incident is mostly that the victim is incapacitated and physically/mentally unable to defend themselves, and may have to find out from others the events of the previous night (in which case it gets hard to prove in a court case.) This category may typically include the date or acquaintance rapist type as well as the recreational type, but this list is not inclusive/exclusive. Can be mixed with other types.
I argue that there is a fine line here, because I’ve certainly had sex with people that was partially helped along by alcohol (something I prefer to avoid at this point, but that’s for my own mental health and morals), and I definitely don’t count those as rape. The argument that if she’s drunk, she can’t possibly give consent bothers me, because again, I’ve been drunk and still able to give to deny consent. There’s a difference between passed out though, and “inebriated and wobbly but still conscious.” And of course, the ability to maintain a sense of yourself while intoxicated is something learned, and not everybody has. …But all bets are off for intentionally drugging a girl.
- But-We’re-On-A-Date Rape. The only real qualifier here is that the victim did in fact agree to date this person. It doesn’t in any way indicate that they did or did not intend to sleep with this person. It could include both the recreational type on a first-date, as well as a steady relationship or the husband type. It qualifies regardless of whether the victim and the active-participant have had sex previously.
This is the stickiest of situations, and the one that by far the most difficult to get a guilty sentence from in court. It is also most likely that the victim will not want to press criminal charges, even though she can identify her rapist. (Which really frustrates police and prosecutors, and confuses the public.)
- Violent Assault/Sadistic Rape. This type can be mixed with any of the other types, all it means is that the rape included other types of violence outside of any physical trauma induced on the victim by the act of penetration itself. It also qualifies any time the rapist makes use of foreign objects or weapons to hurt the victim (such as sticking in the ass or vagina.) Is often the case with any of the women hater, sadist, generally violence-prone, revenge and political rapist profiles.
(I hate the use of the word sadistic, it makes my heart go out to all of the kind-hearted sadists I know in the scene. Alas, outside of the scene the world has a completely different meaning.)
I’m sort of foggy on if there are any others, mostly because I don’t want to be defining for anyone other than myself, where the line between tipsy and too-much is. I was discussing this with a male friend of mine as I was trying to solidify this post, and have realized that it’s this particular point that is a) so hazy b) causes so much confusion for everyone and c) can tread dangerously into victim-blaming and rape-apologizing.
Because I’ve never experienced rape (and hope not to outside of a well-negotiated scene), I know that I can not fully comprehend the total experience of violation and all of the emotions of doubt and self-blame and so on that go with it. And I also wonder if there is anyone, even one man, out there who had genuinely thought that his partner was having a good time, but found out later she felt herself violated. I wish I could talk to them, get inside their heads and find out how they view the incident-outside of politics, outside of a courtroom or legal proceedings. Away from an audience eager to justify or vilify or moralize. Just to understand. I guess that’s the little bit of the sociologist in me.