Paths of Trajectory
"More and more people seem to choose polyamorous relationships these days, and in some ways that makes a lot of sense."
A comment from someone on OKC prompted me to want to chronicle my journey here. (In a more linear chronological fashion than just blabbing in random spurts, as I am wont to do.)
I tend to look at my path as a meandering one, and as such, I'm really not making any firm judgements as to whether I will stay with the polyamorous angle for the long haul... I suppose that my attempting to predict the future, and what sorts of people I will find entering my life, to be less than useful.. And I can not really swear that I could not find myself fulfilled with just one, really awesomesauce, person. I think I mostly find myself equally unwedded to either idea really.
I am a cuddler. I have always been a cuddler. My mum used to call me a snuggle-bug, for how much I wanted to snuggle in her lap. When I was a baby, the only thing that would put me back to sleep when I woke up in the middle of the night was my dad's rocking while he bounced me in his arms, walking up and down the upstairs hallway. I still greet and farewell my dad with a great big hug, to this day. I have deliciously fond memories of snuggling with sperose, claire, vivalamusica, and others before classes in the morning and during lunch in high school...
I am, quite thoroughly, a creature that requires physical touch. It's part of how I process affection, even casual affection and friendliness. I have spent time, in the past, trying to confine all of my touch and flirtatiousness to my single romantic partner, and it nearly killed me. I seem to have a very fluid idea of physical boundaries between friends.. In this sense, the "standard model" for "kissing/cuddling/fucking is something you do only with your s.o." is kind of... foreign, to me. (I mean, yes, I understand it, but it's hard for me to wrap my brain around in terms of bringing it into my reality.) To say that the intimate touches, especially of cuddle therapy or healing sensual touch, is forbidden to be expressed and experienced with friends (with whom you do not have a partner-bond) seems just bizarre to me. I mean... who can look at a friend in pain and not want to reach out and embrace them? Kiss their brow and remind them of how wonderful they are..?
So, while a monogamous relationship may be able to fulfill me... it seems to follow that it would be a rather.. flexible, relationship. We would have to share similar moral values on displays of affection and how to define "just friends".. (this entry is getting more and more convoluted as I keep going with it, btw..) and this may just simply prove to be incompatible with the strictly-mono model.
All that being said... well, I still managed to get married and spend most of my adult life partnered to one person. (During which, I failed rather spectacularly at fidelity, go me!) One person, who shared pretty much none of my feelings about physical intimacy between friends. At one of the peek points when we broke up, I strongly considered the possibility that I might be moving towards polyamory (this was several years ago, btw), and started examining what sorts of emotional work would be required to make that mental shift... In the end, I abandoned the venture, because I was still besotted with my "One" special person.. and the idea that if I kept giving up pieces of myself to show how much I loved him, eventually all my hard work would pay off and we would be blissfully happy together.
Coming full circle a few years later, and I found myself pondering the same question from a different angle... "Can I do this?" (i.e., "Am I okay with dating someone that is poly?") I decided to give it a go.. and much hijinks and chaos was had by all. In the end it rather proved to be a failure (the relationship, not the experiment) of the superficial variety. That is, there was much to be learned in looking beyond the ho-drum appearance of "boo-hoo I just went through another break-up."
And here I am now, finding my feet out on my own, and coveting my unattached status in.. a strange fashion. I don't really want to "play the field" in the sense of playing games with people. I want to be honest. Very, very honest. (I sometimes think that I have problems with people precisely because they do not take me seriously when I am being so honest.) And up front about my intentions..
I want to enjoy people, I want to be drawn to spending time together through mutual interest, and not obligation or necessity of need-fulfillment. I want to fall in love with people simply because they are awesome, and not out of any specific possessive compulsions to control them. That's really what I'm wanting right now... I'm wanting to surround myself with marvelous people, without questioning whether or not it's "a relationship."
And maybe, that isn't poly in the way most people tend to see it. I don't really know. I know that I'm not really concerned with the forming of romantic relationships.. (And actually, really trying to avoid the forming of unnecessary romantic attachments, just because it's "what you do" after certain intimacies) so much as I am concerned with the forming of meaningful relationships. I think the romance will likely figure itself out, without too much of my stressing about it.
(And, I really prefer this way of thinking.)