Restless
For the past two nights, every time I lay down in bed to go to sleep.. I feel panicked. I feel like there are so many things I could be doing rather than wasting my time being horizontal for 6 - 10 hours. I could be... finishing laundry, or cleaning, or doing more writing or working on my Etsy shop descriptions or... Or anything really. Sleeping seems like such a huge waste of time, that the idea of relaxing enough to do it is actually unnerving.
I know that my body is tired, I can feel it. In fact, I think I even want to be sleeping -- hell, I love sleep! But it's almost... terrifying. I am going to lose whole hours to nothingness as soon as I pass out. For no other reason than because I'm "tired." But I'm always tired...
This train of thought sounds crazy; I know this whole argument sounds crazy... Which is why I leapt out of bed a half hour ago to use Walter Reed's Internet Dr's appointment scheduler to request an appointment with mental health...
I'm so tired, but my mind keeps racing when I lay down, and I can't get comfortable. My limbs won't settle. I tossed and turned the night before last, I think, which may have contributed to my spending most of Sunday in a half-comatose stupor, and yet not quite feeling tired.
I'm scared of flipping into hypo-mania--I'm scared that Bipolar might be accurate, and I'm equally afraid I could be bottoming out. I've already been through three beers this evening, and I have to be up around 6:30 tomorrow for work. I think if I drink anymore, I will risk being hung-over tomorrow morning. I'm afraid there are things I'm forgetting to do. Of my parents finding more things to yell at me for. That there are dishes left in the sink and I'm going to be dragged out of bed at 7 am to clean them up. I'm even more afraid that I would even still BE in bed at 7 am, because I have to be at work at 8.
I have to go find another beer, and hopefully some reading will help. My shoulders hurt from the inability to just relax and go to sleep.
Something like that, yeah.