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This is the first time I've written a fic in 1st person so sorry if it's bad!
Title: As I Burn
Author: Ariellabella
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Remus deals with Sirius' death and struggles to move on
I stood rooted in spot, my stomach churning violently as the world spun in a blur of lights and sounds making my head pound. I could hear it, that screaming, oh the god awful screaming, drawn out in agony and just as sudden as it had started, it stopped. For a moment I thought I had gone deaf, the silence so stone cold I began to shiver. But the screaming began again, this time it was a different voice. I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my mind, watching the flash of green, frozen as he fell, my heart falling with him, disappearing behind the dark cloth still fluttering from the disturbance.
A figure rushed past me and I rushed towards it, needing to save the last thing in my life worth saving. His struggles almost toppled me, he screamed and kicked, violent in his accusations that I was stopping him from saving the one I wanted in my arms. I tried to tell him, but he wouldn’t listen! How could he be so thick-headed? Why would he think I wouldn’t be doing everything to rescue him myself, no one lets the one they love die? But wait, he doesn’t know does he? He has been blissfully ignorant of his godfather’s sexual inclinations, as well as just how ‘close’ of friends they were. The boy still thought Sirius’s death would hurt him the most, ha! What a comical thought! That someone who had only known him for two years could be more affected by the loss of his love.
My arms were still wrapped firmly around his waist when someone began to pull them away gently, telling me I could let go, it was over. But it wasn’t, not for me, my world had been turned over then left that way.
Without so much as a glance at any others, I got to my feet and ran, flying through the long, dark halls till I burst out into the night air. Burning lungs begged me to stop but I couldn’t, not around them, I had to get away. My legs carried me crashing through the woods, uncaring that I was hurting myself as roots tripped me; I only picked myself up and continued on.
Finally, in the middle of a stretch of grass, my legs gave out and I collapsed to the ground. My entire body shook and my guts twisted, causing a strangled sob to escape my throat. It hurt, I didn’t know anything could hurt this bad, but the tearing of my insides was making my vision go black. Tears blurred my eyes and I bent my head, allowing them to fall on the parched earth.
This wasn’t what was supposed to happen, after he had come back two years ago he had promised he would never leave me again, that nothing could separate us, but we had forgotten about death. Instead we revelled in the joy, our bodies intertwining, not separating until morning dawned and our stomachs drove us out of bed in search of food. Sirius had made a comment about how only food could pull him from my side and if he could just throw me in a giant bowl of chocolate and strawberries he would be good for days. A faint smile played at the edge of my lips and I wanted to smile but the weight of his loss yanked it away.
All I could feel now was the pain, sobs ripped from my throat and I curled into a ball, wishing the world away, hoping death would take me now, then I could be with him and the others I had lost. Unfortunately luck was not on my side. I could hear them coming, they stopped behind me. I caught murmurs of pity, they had known about his relationship with Sirius. I was mad now; I don’t need your pity! You don’t know, I had to lose him twice and this time I know he’s never coming back!
Hands gripped my shoulders and sat me up; she was kneeling in front of me, pulling my hands from my face, thinking I was embarrassed and trying to hide my tears. You stupid woman, you’re wrong; I just wanted to be alone and wish for my death. But they wouldn’t grant me that wish, oh no, instead they helped me stand and she took my hand to lead me back. Turning, I looked back at the moon, almost full; it would be my first full moon alone in two years.
~*~*~
He died weeks ago, or was it months? I don’t know and don’t care to, since that night my mind and body had gone numb to everyone and everything. I allowed my own thoughts to take over, imagining holding him as he fell, going with him, I was smiling knowing we would go through togeather, be togeather. But every time I saw this, someone would pull me back, rip me from his arms and I would cry out as he reached for me before disappearing.
Damn them for keeping me from him! I sat up, feeling warm hands slid over my chest. Looking down, she slept there, her head on his pillow. My movements had woken her, she opened her eyes, questioning me. Reaching out, she tried to pull me back to her but I cringed away from her, every time her body touched mine, my skin would freeze, I would fight the urge to jerk away. She was oblivious to this, smiling, thinking she was comforting me. Well she’s wrong.
She reached out again. No! Don’t touch me! I said don’t touch me! I pushed her away and stumbled out the door, into the bathroom. Scrambling with one of the drawers I almost broke the handle in my frenzy to get it open. Inside was a shirt, a black button down, Sirius’s favourite one. I picked it up, cradling it gently and fell back, sliding down the wall until I sat on the ground. My knees were drawn up to my chest, shirt pressed to my face; I inhaled the scent of his cologne and cried into it.
I felt a solid body press against me and looked up. I was him; he was here, his hand reaching out to me, a loving smile on his lips. He was dead, but my mind had long since been teetering on the line of insanity and I took his hand, knowing my comfort would be short-lived as my mind would only last so long, but as long as I could see him, it would be long enough.