A Moment to Breathe.
Wow. I really feel like I've been moving non stop for the last three weeks. I've been driving back and forth between St. Cloud and Duluth most every weekend and after the long days I'm having right now at work, it feels like I've had zero time to myself. Which is funny because I have 2.5 hours in the car each way driving back and forth. This coming weekend, unless some crazy emergency comes up, I am staying in Duluth and explore the city a bit. Or hell, I might just sleep the whole damn weekend.
This weekend I came back to St. Cloud because my oldest niece, Karlee, had her first communion today. I want to say it's been around six years since I've been in a church (besides sight seeing). Even though I'm not Christian, I've always found it interesting to go to service. I love the simple beauty of the idea around it. Knowing that all of these people around me feel strongly enough about their faith to get up early on a Sunday for worship and enjoying their god and each other. It's very peaceful for me. At the same time, it brings back a lot of not happy memories for me.
I've struggled with Christianity for many, many years. I knew from a very young age that I was not a Christian, but did not know how to express that to my parents while both being taken seriously and not hurting them. For a very long time I pretended to avoid hurting them. They are very strong in their beliefs and are part of a very small handful of Christians I can think of that truly live their faith. I remember how emotionally painful and disturbing it was for me when I was confirmed. I felt very trapped and everything within me screamed against getting up in front of a congregation of people and LYING to them, telling them I believed in their religion when I had known since around the third grade that I was not a Christian. But, because I did not want to hurt my parents, I did just that, I lied and said that I was a believer because I felt that was the best choice that I had at that time. I continued going to church with my parents until I moved out, because I actually liked going to church with them, I just didn't believe the same things they did.
I remember when Karlee was first born, I was in my early twenties. I had explored my spirituality and cemented the foundation of my beliefs at that point. I has spent almost a solid year completely focusing on spirituality and figuring things out. My parents knew that I wasn't attending church, but my spirituality has been something we have never talked about. My sister asked me to be my nieces godmother and again, I spent days agonizing over doing what felt right to me; graciously turning her down based on that I couldn't vow to help bring her up in the Christian faith or to go along just to keep everyone happy. I decided to graciously turn the offer down, unless of course the church she was being baptized at didn't have issues with me saying that I would guide her in spirituality instead of christianity. I think my sister may have been hurt, but I had been honest with her and made sure that she understood that it wasn't that I didn't want to, but felt uncomfortable with parts of what would be expected of me if I had said yes.
This is what I eventually think about during the sermon when I go to church. Amazingly enough, it still brings tears to my eyes and is hard to an extent for me. At the same time, I still find beauty in the service and witnessing people expressing their faith.
I didn't mean to go off on this tangent, but I did. What I meant to write about is Karlee's first communion. For any that don't know, Karlee has down syndrome. The catholic church in our town that her dad is a part of, didn't want anything to do with Karlee. They weren't willing to work with her disabilities and weren't very friendly about it. Because of that, Karlee (who is 13 now!) attends church with my parents. And everyone knows and loves her there. The pastor did one on one lessons with her preparing her for first communion. At one point he brought in a picture from the hallway of Jesus. He was talking to her about him and explaining to her that Jesus was always with her. When he was done with that part of the lesson, he went to put the picture back in the hall. Karlee shouted after him, "Hey! Bring him back in here!" She really did not want him to take the picture of Jesus away.
When I was out looking for a gift for her to celebrate her special day, I was having a hard time. I didn't want to get her a junky plaque that will just be shoved in a drawer or cash. I had gotten her sister a very cool small cross necklace that looked live vines for her first communion and I was looking for something similar for Karlee. After deciding that everything in the first communion section was junk, I started looking in other parts of the store. On a low shelf at the back of the store, I found a plain large silver heart with the words 'I'll be with you always' on it. Perfect! Not your normal first communion gift, but a reminder of the lesson that Pastor Bob went over with her during her classes.
I was really proud of her today. For a kid who hates crowds and being the center of attention, she was completely focused on what the pastor was saying to her and responded accordingly. It was as if the rest of the church wasn't there.
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I wanted to add that though I don't want to get into my spiritual beliefs right now, I don't have problems with Christianity or Christians, it simply isn't my faith and isn't something I have ever been able to say I believe in 100%.
This weekend I came back to St. Cloud because my oldest niece, Karlee, had her first communion today. I want to say it's been around six years since I've been in a church (besides sight seeing). Even though I'm not Christian, I've always found it interesting to go to service. I love the simple beauty of the idea around it. Knowing that all of these people around me feel strongly enough about their faith to get up early on a Sunday for worship and enjoying their god and each other. It's very peaceful for me. At the same time, it brings back a lot of not happy memories for me.
I've struggled with Christianity for many, many years. I knew from a very young age that I was not a Christian, but did not know how to express that to my parents while both being taken seriously and not hurting them. For a very long time I pretended to avoid hurting them. They are very strong in their beliefs and are part of a very small handful of Christians I can think of that truly live their faith. I remember how emotionally painful and disturbing it was for me when I was confirmed. I felt very trapped and everything within me screamed against getting up in front of a congregation of people and LYING to them, telling them I believed in their religion when I had known since around the third grade that I was not a Christian. But, because I did not want to hurt my parents, I did just that, I lied and said that I was a believer because I felt that was the best choice that I had at that time. I continued going to church with my parents until I moved out, because I actually liked going to church with them, I just didn't believe the same things they did.
I remember when Karlee was first born, I was in my early twenties. I had explored my spirituality and cemented the foundation of my beliefs at that point. I has spent almost a solid year completely focusing on spirituality and figuring things out. My parents knew that I wasn't attending church, but my spirituality has been something we have never talked about. My sister asked me to be my nieces godmother and again, I spent days agonizing over doing what felt right to me; graciously turning her down based on that I couldn't vow to help bring her up in the Christian faith or to go along just to keep everyone happy. I decided to graciously turn the offer down, unless of course the church she was being baptized at didn't have issues with me saying that I would guide her in spirituality instead of christianity. I think my sister may have been hurt, but I had been honest with her and made sure that she understood that it wasn't that I didn't want to, but felt uncomfortable with parts of what would be expected of me if I had said yes.
This is what I eventually think about during the sermon when I go to church. Amazingly enough, it still brings tears to my eyes and is hard to an extent for me. At the same time, I still find beauty in the service and witnessing people expressing their faith.
I didn't mean to go off on this tangent, but I did. What I meant to write about is Karlee's first communion. For any that don't know, Karlee has down syndrome. The catholic church in our town that her dad is a part of, didn't want anything to do with Karlee. They weren't willing to work with her disabilities and weren't very friendly about it. Because of that, Karlee (who is 13 now!) attends church with my parents. And everyone knows and loves her there. The pastor did one on one lessons with her preparing her for first communion. At one point he brought in a picture from the hallway of Jesus. He was talking to her about him and explaining to her that Jesus was always with her. When he was done with that part of the lesson, he went to put the picture back in the hall. Karlee shouted after him, "Hey! Bring him back in here!" She really did not want him to take the picture of Jesus away.
When I was out looking for a gift for her to celebrate her special day, I was having a hard time. I didn't want to get her a junky plaque that will just be shoved in a drawer or cash. I had gotten her sister a very cool small cross necklace that looked live vines for her first communion and I was looking for something similar for Karlee. After deciding that everything in the first communion section was junk, I started looking in other parts of the store. On a low shelf at the back of the store, I found a plain large silver heart with the words 'I'll be with you always' on it. Perfect! Not your normal first communion gift, but a reminder of the lesson that Pastor Bob went over with her during her classes.
I was really proud of her today. For a kid who hates crowds and being the center of attention, she was completely focused on what the pastor was saying to her and responded accordingly. It was as if the rest of the church wasn't there.
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I wanted to add that though I don't want to get into my spiritual beliefs right now, I don't have problems with Christianity or Christians, it simply isn't my faith and isn't something I have ever been able to say I believe in 100%.