(no subject)
I want to scream. Dammit. I want to scream until I have no voice. I want to scream and cry and yell and hit my pillow. I want to stop swearing. Seriously, I had been so good and now that world is crashing again I am crass and it disgusts me. I want to sleep through work tomorrow. I want to tell Will and all this Ring Dance crap to go away. Not because of Will, not really I guess. He's a really nice guy and I'm glad I could be there for him. I'm just so tired and I don't want him to get the wrong idea and I think I'm afraid of being there as all my classmates get rings that I willingly chose to pass by. I'm so tired. I'm sick of feeling so self-absorbed. My life fell to pieces and all of these strands I've been desperately grabbing and clinging to are slipping away again. All of these shaky walls and this pretend happy world is unraveling and I have to helplessly watch. Dammit. I hate crying. I am so angry at Dave because it is his fault I am here right now. But at the same time shouldn't I be thanking him? I'm 21 years old. Six weeks ago I thought I saw my life ahead of me and I was happy and excited. I had a future, I thought I had love to spend my life with. And I am back at fucking square one. I don't trust. And I trust too easily. I'm so good at ignoring how fortunate I really am. And I want more than anything to run home to my Daddy's arms. I want him to call me punkin and ar-ar and I want him to tell me its all going to be okay again. I want to dance with a man I love. I want to figure out who the hell that even is. I want to calm myself down before I try to talk to Josh. I want so badly to not mess that up, I want my best friend back and I'm so scared that I can't have that again. I have too many plates spinning in the air right now and they're starting to crash into pieces all around me. I have been running on empty for too long now and its catching up to me. God please help me? Desperately, please?