(no subject)
I knew this birthday seemed too good to be true. Are we so weak that something like this could shake us so much? He says "we should be in bed together" and now you can't trust me. Or you can't trust him. I haven't figured that out yet. Was I so wrong in being honest with you? He is my friend, he has been for years, and I feel comfortable talking to him about everything in my life. He knows about us, I've talked to him about you and he knows where I stand. If I'm the prize to be won, I'm yours. I chose you. Never him. Would me turning my back on his friendship prove that to you? These tears aren't helping. That would hurt me so much, but I think I could do it, if that's what it would take. I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope you can trust me more than that. People are stupid. Sometimes we say things that should never have even formed in our thoughts, but it is in our nature to do so. Can you forgive us that much? Yes I have history with him, but I want to believe that he was joking when he said that. My history with him is so different than the memories I've been trying to write with you, and I hope you can see that. I'm so scared right now, you got me building up my walls faster than I've ever done before, all because of a stupid boy. How can I have messed things up already? I didn't think it possible. I guess I was wrong. You say it's my turn to dig now. I hope I have enough. You know what my games are. You're not being played. For all the stupid things I've done in my life, I'm praying desperately that my hopes crashing down around me right now isn't another one. Maybe when I wake up this will all have evaporated like the tears on my pillow. Dammit.