searching
I've made so many wrong decisions in my life. I'm so desperately searching. For a direction, for answers, for love. And I seem to be looking in all the wrong places. The worst thing? I keep going back to those places, deluded in thinking that it'll be different this time, that something will have changed, that I'll find exactly what I'm looking for. I don't feel like I have a purpose in this life. I know that God has a plan for me, but I'm just as lost in my faith as in this world. I have slipped so far, strayed such a long way in my walk with Him, and I'm terrified that I can't find my way back. Then part of me argues that I'm not supposed to find my way, I just need to ask Him for help, and He wants so much to take me back. So what's stopping me? How could a God that merciful and loving still want me in all my conscious disobedience and stubborn rebellion? Everything I learned growing up at home screams at my foolishness in thinking that. Why is it that I continue to sin, stubbing my toe on that same rock, over and over again? When does the dazzling revelation hit? The recognition that I have a purpose, that I have a direction, that I am loved and wanted, and that I have a reason for being who I am. I'm so lost.