To my mother, and other such
No, a few little words won't fix everything. But they can begin the fixing. And time, hope, trust, loyalty, and more words continue it. I've seen it happen. Can't do anything if you don't begin.
In other words, all is not well with my family and me. We had a stupid argument this morning after church about various things. It's hard to adjust to being back with them - even when I wanted it to actually work this time. I feel like a teenager again sometimes. Which is part of the problem, really. I'm at school and I'm a semi-mature, fairly responsible adult. I come here, and it's back to childhood. Seems like every time I have a break, I think it will be a nice rest and time to think about things. Instead, we get stress. Which also happens when I'm not there - my family (me included) is not always calm about things, and the homeschooling has been a major source of pressure.
I don't want to see them as the enemy. I want to reach out to them. But I can't when they refuse to communicate, and we're all a bit too worn out to. Right now it's feeling like last spring break, and I haven't even put my foot in my mouth.
It's been a Rust Pentacle kind of day.
On the brighter side, we did talk about my future soon. And there was an interesting bit in there when my dad and I were talking, and what he wanted for me was basically what I wanted. In different terms, but still an overlap. I can deal with that.
It's hard to be in the middle of things. I value liminality, but it can be such a pain in the butt. Things aren't terribly certain any more. On the other hand, it's a little exciting.
I've been thinking about what's stable-ish. One of the things I'm very grateful for is friends who will tell me when something is wrong, so I don't have to guess and be paranoid. Really, friends period. Seeing reconciliation and continuity. There's an Ursula K. LeGuin quote that keeps coming to mind:
"Outside the locked room is the landscape of time, in which the spirit may, with luck and courage, construct the fragile, makeshift, improbable roads and cities of fidelity: a landscape inhabitable by human beings.
It is not until an act occurs within the landscape of the past and future that it is a human act. Loyalty, which asserts the continuity of past and future, binding time into a whole, is the root of human strength; there is no good to be done without it." (From The Dispossessed)
I've loved that quote for a long time, and I think I understand it better now. I'm coming back to loyalty, not in the blind sense, but in the true mutual sense. And the other things I ignored. Destiny, intellectualism, ambition. All the things on the "we'll deal with this later" list. (Which might explain why I'm having some issues. I'm opening the floodgates here; why would I expect things to be normal?)
Plus my path is expanding in interesting ways. I read the Book of the Law today, and I've thought of myself as a Thelemite a few times accidentally, and grinned. Is it true? I don't know. Feri and Thelema do complement each other pretty well.
I found a neat post in a community that I don't belong to. The "Teacher Who Appears" bit is pretty close to what I want to do/have done/have figured out.
Tomorrow I see sylvan_theory. That should be good. Tonight I need to finish some emails to a Cauldron member - basically telling the story of the not-so-mundane side of my life. I've told it many times, but this is the first time it includes return and any hope for the future. I can deal with that, even if the precise details are eluding me.
"The thing about working with time, instead of against it... is
that it is not wasted. Even pain counts." (Ibid. Yep, I'm a nerd.)
In other words, all is not well with my family and me. We had a stupid argument this morning after church about various things. It's hard to adjust to being back with them - even when I wanted it to actually work this time. I feel like a teenager again sometimes. Which is part of the problem, really. I'm at school and I'm a semi-mature, fairly responsible adult. I come here, and it's back to childhood. Seems like every time I have a break, I think it will be a nice rest and time to think about things. Instead, we get stress. Which also happens when I'm not there - my family (me included) is not always calm about things, and the homeschooling has been a major source of pressure.
I don't want to see them as the enemy. I want to reach out to them. But I can't when they refuse to communicate, and we're all a bit too worn out to. Right now it's feeling like last spring break, and I haven't even put my foot in my mouth.
It's been a Rust Pentacle kind of day.
On the brighter side, we did talk about my future soon. And there was an interesting bit in there when my dad and I were talking, and what he wanted for me was basically what I wanted. In different terms, but still an overlap. I can deal with that.
It's hard to be in the middle of things. I value liminality, but it can be such a pain in the butt. Things aren't terribly certain any more. On the other hand, it's a little exciting.
I've been thinking about what's stable-ish. One of the things I'm very grateful for is friends who will tell me when something is wrong, so I don't have to guess and be paranoid. Really, friends period. Seeing reconciliation and continuity. There's an Ursula K. LeGuin quote that keeps coming to mind:
"Outside the locked room is the landscape of time, in which the spirit may, with luck and courage, construct the fragile, makeshift, improbable roads and cities of fidelity: a landscape inhabitable by human beings.
It is not until an act occurs within the landscape of the past and future that it is a human act. Loyalty, which asserts the continuity of past and future, binding time into a whole, is the root of human strength; there is no good to be done without it." (From The Dispossessed)
I've loved that quote for a long time, and I think I understand it better now. I'm coming back to loyalty, not in the blind sense, but in the true mutual sense. And the other things I ignored. Destiny, intellectualism, ambition. All the things on the "we'll deal with this later" list. (Which might explain why I'm having some issues. I'm opening the floodgates here; why would I expect things to be normal?)
Plus my path is expanding in interesting ways. I read the Book of the Law today, and I've thought of myself as a Thelemite a few times accidentally, and grinned. Is it true? I don't know. Feri and Thelema do complement each other pretty well.
I found a neat post in a community that I don't belong to. The "Teacher Who Appears" bit is pretty close to what I want to do/have done/have figured out.
Tomorrow I see sylvan_theory. That should be good. Tonight I need to finish some emails to a Cauldron member - basically telling the story of the not-so-mundane side of my life. I've told it many times, but this is the first time it includes return and any hope for the future. I can deal with that, even if the precise details are eluding me.
"The thing about working with time, instead of against it... is
that it is not wasted. Even pain counts." (Ibid. Yep, I'm a nerd.)