I might have *dazzled* him...a little...
I have to admit that I'm slightly amused.
Because yesterday, when the co-worker I have a crush on came into my room to set up my brand-spaking-new Smartboard (which I really have no use for...it's a superfluous piece of technology purchased because it makes our school "look good" to prospective parents/students), he seemed a bit...hmmmm, what's the word...giddy?
No, not giddy - that would imply some sort of outward appearance of emotion, something he's all but unable to exhibit unless he's drinking - but there was something about him...he was...overly clumsy? Slightly awkward? Unable to piece words together to form coherent sentences...and perform simple physical tasks without a concerted effort?
Maybe it's the lack of sleep talking (stupid nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night...that continue to bother me even though I can't remember a damn thing about them)...maybe my students are finally getting to me...or maybe I've simply lost it.
But I can only assure you that I watch his every move when we're in the same room...and there was something different about the way he was around me, alone in my classroom, than he is around everyone else.
I pretended not to notice - all smiles and jokes with a touch of flirting - and acted as "normal" as I ever act...normal for me.
The idea that I have some kind of effect on him...in more than a "I totally want to have sex with that girl" kind of way...it makes me feel good about myself. That maybe, just maybe, despite the fact that he's clearly terrified of relationships (I had an epiphany about that the other night, but I'm not going to share because it's based on something deeply private he told me a long time ago), he might actually be interested in me too. As a person.
So what if this goes nowhere (or more accurately, so what that this will never go anywhere)? It's still nice to know that I've got it. Whatever "it" is...
Now...if I could just stop thinking about him all the time...