k/s advent fic: The solstice of the young, chapter 11
my wonderful betas did all good so if there are mistakes are mine.
Master Link to the fic: http://ariadnechan.livejournal.com/147046.html
The Solstice of The Young.
Chapter Eleven
'The Madness and the Hope'.
After sometime, Jim couldn’t measure exactly how long. He decided he was stronger than this. He tried to meditate and started to take the lifeline he always had and reinforced it with his mantras and the litany of fear, yes he had more fear than he ever had before.
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
Jim started to quiet himself and to leave all his intense emotions behind him, while he settled into deep meditation.
It was more difficult than it had never been before, but he must to be whole and he must to be prepared to receive whatever the answer Spock gave him. Spock… Only hours ago his name made him shivered with pure joy, arousing lust; It made him feel one and complete, but now it was like an open wound because Jim could no longer feel Spock throw the bond. Spock had blocked him, and Jim solely perceived anger from the other room, an anger so strong that is was near to madness, and that would end up destroying them both.
Jim decided to analyze his feelings, trying to block the anger with his own shields because otherwise he would be lost in the pain. What Jim felt for Spock, it was like being imprinted; Yes Jim was imprinted, marked by Spock and not the other way around. Maybe it was amusing in some level that he was trained to imprint and he was instead imprinted himself, He had all the signs, he had a complete devotion and he was at complete mercy of Spock every whim; but maybe love was like this. And Jim was in love completely and utterly lost; now he understood why people in love ‘fell in’ it.
***
His Betazoid master will be very happy for him. He surely wondered if he made a nude ceremony in his honor like a good honorary Betazoid would. ‘Because Binayard Troy, son of the third house of Betazoid you must be very proud of your alumni’. Even if Jim’s heart and soul was now shattered, Binayard would say that: ‘This is how you living to the fullest, my boy’ and ‘That’s why you always could find another spouse’. Jim really hoped it was so easy.
He also was sure, his sisters and the Reverend mother Bene Gesserit will be very disappointed with him. Because this was an assignment, one of many he could have as a ‘Breeder’ or properly in his case as an ‘Imprinter’. But he couldn’t do anything anymore, he was imprinted, and he couldn’t leave his lover’s side for the rest of his natural life or until Spock decided to take Jim’s life, or If Spock died without him and somehow Jim would survive the shock. Jim didn’t believe that he could.
Jim wanted to laugh at his misfortune, but he settled for take away his fears and despair, because the madness in the other room was escalating and Jim began to be scared not for him, but for Spock, if Spock damaged his self he couldn’t take it. If his husband wanted to come and kill him, Jim was prepared but not for Spock to suffer.
Jim centered himself and did all he could, he concentrate on the Bene Gessrit benediction.
“I stand in the sacred humanoid presence. As I do now, so should you stand some day. I pray to your presence that this be so. Let the future remain uncertain for that is the canvas to receive our desires. Thus the humanoid condition faces its perpetual tabula rasa. We possess no more than this moment where we dedicate ourselves continuously to the sacred presence we share and create.”
Jim needed to focus to use his empathy, to find a balance, and then he recalled her sister teaching.
“There's no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves.”
Remembering these mantras Jim was capable of focusing as he was centered in the waves of his mind and his heart and so he was able to use his abilities to send all his love to his husband with all his might, the pure and simple love, the one which didn’t ask for anything in return, or look for anything, only sought to give love, that became his mantra. It was all that he could do for now. That and hope.
**************
Spock left the room in anger, anger that he could not control. He was barely able to shield the bond while he heard his spouse crying in the other chamber. He wanted to yell and destroy the room, and then kill Jim, yes, because that was Kirk’s secret name. He wanted to kill him as much as he wanted to love him minutes ago. Why he must to feel so deep and so much?
Jim had said it he was ordered and he lost part of his memories, but Spock had still been betrayed for the person he cared the most. Now he knew from where the danger came every time he felt the arousing need to take Jim in the past. The danger came from Jim himself; he was trying to trick him, to enchant him with his “voice”… the purring, that was it, “The musical purring”. To be fair Jim desisted to use it since he started to learn Vulcan, but how could Spock can possible believe in him now? What if he knew the language before hand? What if everything was part of Kirk’s plan too to make him fell for him in order to reach T’Pau?
Spock took some furniture and destroyed with his bare hands. Kirk never loved him, it all was a trap and he fell for it like a child. Everything was an act, it had to be. All that Bene Gesserit and Betazoid training helped Kirk to achieve this deception and Spock himself had taught him Vulcan shielding. He had helped to create a monster. That was the person in the other room’ someone who can fake and fabricate feelings and warm words, to make Spock fall and be lost. This must also explain why Spock had a Pon farr; that was sorcery too. He had been assured that he would be spared of this because of this because of his mixed heritage, but obviously Kirk could intervene for his own convenience. Spock couldn’t believe in anything anymore. ANYTHING!
He wanted to kill and destroy. The warrior in him wanted ‘Ran-pleth’. But he must be more than this. He was the heir of the House of Solkar, grandson of the Reldai-matriarch of Vulcan. He must be more than the anger, he must calm himself, HE MUST!
He tried to meditate, but the calm necessary for meditation eluded him. Spock clenched and unclenched his hands until blood was dripping from them.
He would focus, He came from the line of T’Pau, thinking about her, would help him, and Spock realized she must have known. She had melded with Jim before the ceremony, so she knew about Jim’s past. Why she let Kirk bond with him? Why? Was there no other alternative to save his life? But if this were the case then a marriage ceremony was not needed. He could have taken Jim as his and he would have only been a bed slave, but she bonded them; she let Jim with his past be his spouse, at least as a concubine, but why?
After a while he could only focus in his ‘Fa-ko-mekh -Reldai’ and meditate focusing on her. He decided that he would talk with his grandmother and ask for her to meld with Jim again in order to find out more about the darker parts of his mind and his real feelings. His decision made, he suddenly succumbed to exhaustion as a blanket of pure unconditional love that warmed him and lulled to sleep right there on his very mat of meditation.
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T’Pau knew it the second it happened. Spock was in distress. Flashes of things she had already seen passed through the familial bond and she entered in meditation to concentrate in Spock’s mind.
The Bond between the husbands was strong but Spock felt betrayed and wanted it destroyed.
The flashes were now clearer; the room in Terra, the sisterhood of the witches Bene Gesserit and “The Voice”, that was new information. T’Pau knew it would be good kept contact with his grandson. Now she was more prepared for the contract.
T’Pau could sense by the link that Spock’ state of heart and mind, the anger and the pain, Spock felt he was tricked to love Kirk and that his Pon farr had been manipulated by empathy. He felt as a wounded Selath eager to destroy, but what Spock really needed was to be loved and healed, as much as Spock wanted her to explain why, and for her to save him.
‘But the one who can save you from despair and madness is not me my child, it is your human, who in his own despair, found the strength to made you focus and lulled you into sleep with his unconditional love.’ T’Pau sent these thoughts to Spock, ending her connection. Then she went to talk with her aids to prepare everything for the arrival of her grandchildren in the morning.
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Notes Vulcan language:
Fa-ko-mekh : Grand Mother
Reldai : (anc.) -- Female religious leader
Ran-pleth : (anc.) - Revenge
Shelat : Bear with 6 inches fangs common pet for Vulcan children.