wooaaah meh fukkin gahd...
And... Six months later, through the murk of the year thus far... She emerges, steeped in madness and absolute bewilderment.
I'd write a book about my life if the task weren't such an overwhelming undertaking in itself.
I've had the week from hell though. A real cherry on the shit sundae... And colliding with Port Con, which I booked almost 6 months ago with Hannah... How was I to know I'd have until the 20th of June to move out? Port Con Running from the 17th until the 21st. So I spent Wednesday in a whirlwind of packing and trucking things to the new/old place...
And of course, come June amidst my total confusion, an art block settles in thats been slowly squeezing the life out my inspiration all winter. I booked this convention in hopes that it would galvanize me the way that FF did in 07... But the lack of connection with internet for so long has certainly stunted my productivity. And I had no idea it would coincide with the dramasplosion thats been festering in my current living situation for entirely too long.
And then Blue gets hit by a car. I'm glad I wasn't the one to find him. Kristen, a friend from work ended up stopping and finding my roomates. Literally HOURS before He was about to be moved to his new home, out in the country... FAR FAR AWAY from fucking Bridge Hill and all the asshole hicks who just love to do 60 in 25 zone. He was the sweetest fucking cat. I call him a kitten still because he never really grew very big. Blue grey with the biggest tawniest eyes. My little wolf... FUCK. And I never wanted to start letting him outside... I knew he was too simple minded... the snuggliest little bugger you could ever fall in love with. Everyone that met that cat fell in love with it. People jokingly threatened to steal him all the time... And literally hours before I was about to move him into the new place... GAH. I don't even know what to feel... I know it happens. I know its part of life. BUT FUCKKKKK... its sucks so much! And I can't stop thinking about the last time I held him and how he always looked at me. And how I haven't been around as much during the move and my poor kitties have been going crazy...
So I'm hear, a day later. In our cheap hotel room monopolizing my friend chelseas laptop and the free wireless. Reeling with regrets and what if's and KNOWING that I need to be focusing on art. Thinking about all the people and pets and friends I've lost so far this year. Numb with confusion and REGRET. REGERTREGRETREGRET. Out of everything thats happened so far this year... how so many things just tweeked slightly could have had such drastically different out comes...
I feel like my life has completely left my control. Not that it was ever in any real semblence of control... But its just rampent now. I'm being forced to move in to a house thats trashed beyond recognition with a bunch of alchohalics because I have nowhere else to go. I'm scared to move my shit in because they're constantly partying and burning shit and they won't be moving out until the end of July so who fucking knows how much of my stuff will be left by then. And on the other hand I just want to completely abandon all my physical obligations and possessions. AND DISSAPPEAR. I want to travel, be free, have no ties of roots to keep dragging me back in to the tangle of life. Its all so fucking overwhelming. No more pets to fall in love with and be CRUSHED by when they leave this earth in such a short time. No more junk projects, five thousand started and none of them finished. Choaked and strangled by my piles upon piles of stuff. Working a job that I love passionatly and can be proud of, that will never pay enough to make up for all the madness I put up with there on a daily basis...
But where was I going with all this? I can't remember... I just know I'm numb with it all. And trying to turn this con into a diversion instead of dwelling myself into a deep dark pit. Plus I need to focus. AND MAKE MONEY. SO that when I get home I can buckle down as start fixing up the new place.
I miss you all. ALL OF YOU. SO FUCKING MUCH. Being at port con makes me ache with over how long its been since I've talked with all of you. MEG MAB MARY JOLYN CHIV ARY RACHEAL KIIIIIITTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYY....
I ask everytime, but please... forgive me again for my abscence. I think about you all the time and all the things we've shared and how badly I still want to be a part of it all before I get bogged back down in life. I'll be here, Portland Maine at Port Con until sunday... Please, I miss you guys and would love to hear from you and how you're doing and how I can make it up to you <3 My major suckage that is...
And sorry to Vent. Just be glad I only let out a weeks worth of venting... the last 6 months have been beyond reality... GRARajHGREjashfsndf.
I'd write a book about my life if the task weren't such an overwhelming undertaking in itself.
I've had the week from hell though. A real cherry on the shit sundae... And colliding with Port Con, which I booked almost 6 months ago with Hannah... How was I to know I'd have until the 20th of June to move out? Port Con Running from the 17th until the 21st. So I spent Wednesday in a whirlwind of packing and trucking things to the new/old place...
And of course, come June amidst my total confusion, an art block settles in thats been slowly squeezing the life out my inspiration all winter. I booked this convention in hopes that it would galvanize me the way that FF did in 07... But the lack of connection with internet for so long has certainly stunted my productivity. And I had no idea it would coincide with the dramasplosion thats been festering in my current living situation for entirely too long.
And then Blue gets hit by a car. I'm glad I wasn't the one to find him. Kristen, a friend from work ended up stopping and finding my roomates. Literally HOURS before He was about to be moved to his new home, out in the country... FAR FAR AWAY from fucking Bridge Hill and all the asshole hicks who just love to do 60 in 25 zone. He was the sweetest fucking cat. I call him a kitten still because he never really grew very big. Blue grey with the biggest tawniest eyes. My little wolf... FUCK. And I never wanted to start letting him outside... I knew he was too simple minded... the snuggliest little bugger you could ever fall in love with. Everyone that met that cat fell in love with it. People jokingly threatened to steal him all the time... And literally hours before I was about to move him into the new place... GAH. I don't even know what to feel... I know it happens. I know its part of life. BUT FUCKKKKK... its sucks so much! And I can't stop thinking about the last time I held him and how he always looked at me. And how I haven't been around as much during the move and my poor kitties have been going crazy...
So I'm hear, a day later. In our cheap hotel room monopolizing my friend chelseas laptop and the free wireless. Reeling with regrets and what if's and KNOWING that I need to be focusing on art. Thinking about all the people and pets and friends I've lost so far this year. Numb with confusion and REGRET. REGERTREGRETREGRET. Out of everything thats happened so far this year... how so many things just tweeked slightly could have had such drastically different out comes...
I feel like my life has completely left my control. Not that it was ever in any real semblence of control... But its just rampent now. I'm being forced to move in to a house thats trashed beyond recognition with a bunch of alchohalics because I have nowhere else to go. I'm scared to move my shit in because they're constantly partying and burning shit and they won't be moving out until the end of July so who fucking knows how much of my stuff will be left by then. And on the other hand I just want to completely abandon all my physical obligations and possessions. AND DISSAPPEAR. I want to travel, be free, have no ties of roots to keep dragging me back in to the tangle of life. Its all so fucking overwhelming. No more pets to fall in love with and be CRUSHED by when they leave this earth in such a short time. No more junk projects, five thousand started and none of them finished. Choaked and strangled by my piles upon piles of stuff. Working a job that I love passionatly and can be proud of, that will never pay enough to make up for all the madness I put up with there on a daily basis...
But where was I going with all this? I can't remember... I just know I'm numb with it all. And trying to turn this con into a diversion instead of dwelling myself into a deep dark pit. Plus I need to focus. AND MAKE MONEY. SO that when I get home I can buckle down as start fixing up the new place.
I miss you all. ALL OF YOU. SO FUCKING MUCH. Being at port con makes me ache with over how long its been since I've talked with all of you. MEG MAB MARY JOLYN CHIV ARY RACHEAL KIIIIIITTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYY....
I ask everytime, but please... forgive me again for my abscence. I think about you all the time and all the things we've shared and how badly I still want to be a part of it all before I get bogged back down in life. I'll be here, Portland Maine at Port Con until sunday... Please, I miss you guys and would love to hear from you and how you're doing and how I can make it up to you <3 My major suckage that is...
And sorry to Vent. Just be glad I only let out a weeks worth of venting... the last 6 months have been beyond reality... GRARajHGREjashfsndf.