Wassup, LJ?
Holy shit, I haven't been on here in years. I wish I kept up with it. My life feels like it's such a mess. I just want to go back so many years. I'm having so much trouble just getting along. I feel like nobody likes me at work. I don't get paid near enough & I've probably been screwed out of thousands of dollars just by staying so long. Fuck, I'm either super loyal or super stupid. Probably just stupid. I have no skills outside of baking, I have no idea how to write a resume, much less how to write a convincing one. I get no online love, either. You know, misery needs company, too. I have a feeling people don't want to be around me because I'm so negative, such a bummer. Just because I know why doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm not depressed, just more in touch with reality than most people. God, I hate my in-laws. They're such idiots. Phil can never know I prefer not to spend any time with them. I'll be spending the holidays with my real family. They all keep having kids & it's really hard for me to be around "normal" kids. I'm such a shitty wife & a sub-par mother. Phil's drinking is like, out of control. Beer after beer every night. We have no money, yet we make too much to qualify for programs that are supposed to help people like us. And there is his stupid sister Alicia sponging off of WIC because she lied & said Chris wasn't living with her. What scum they all are. I know they don't like me too much. I don't give a shit. I'll just continue to be cordial & try my best to bite my tongue & gossip about their foolishness with mom. She's like the only one in my corner these days. Phil doesn't get it. I threaten to leave him & he barely flinches. His dad is a drunk loser for losing his job from a DUI over the summer & his mom just puts up with it. That won't be me, fuck that. I'll move back in with mom & dad if I have to. I don't need him. He's a drain on my economy, my sanity. He is a great dad, but that's it. He has no survival skills, he would never be able to make it on his own like I can. A strong domineering woman I am. Jesus Christ. I hate myself sometimes. My meds only work some times. This isn't one of them. I get sick of just muddling through every day. I should seek the help of a qualified mental health professional. But that can be expensive & my insurance only covers so much. Mental health should be regarded by everyone as just as important as physical health. I feel like I just need to reevaluate & overhaul my whole life. I'll never stop wondering why no one likes me & I'll never be okay about certain things. I know I'm doing damage to him. Living with depression & anxiety has an effect on everyone in the sufferer's life. I know I don't make things easy for him & vice-versa. Not only do I hurt, he hurts too because of me. And a lot of that is probably why I turn to food. I've never been this fat & unhealthy. I'm probably near 300 lbs. I can't go on like this much longer.