Trials and Tribulations of Being a Woman

May 03, 2011 15:59

TMI post will be TMI. Fair warning.

So about three days after I started to wonder whether I might actually (despite the fact that it would be impossible because it's been almost a year since I had sex)  be pregnant (I dunno what I was thinking, honestly, immaculate conception?), I got my period yesterday. Apparently all the emotions were just me PMSing, not weird pregnancy hormones. The cause of the weight gain is, as ever, a mystery still. (Obviously, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with all the Chic-fil-A bags on the floor in my car. Nothing at all.)

Thing is, now I almost wish I was pregnant. This is one of those months when my period hurts like a bitch. Between the fact that my pants don't fit and that I have absurdly awful cramps, I unsnapped my jeans in class today (such a Stephanie Plum moment) because I felt like I was going to keel over and die, and I forgot that I had done it when I got up to hand out my paper, so the top of my jeans were poking into my shirt (which was long, thank God), creating kind of a weird silhouette and this skinny hipster white guy was staring at it weirdly. And I just wanted to say, "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PERIOD? HAVE YOU, PUNK?" Anyway. It was kind of embarrassing.

And then I got home and I'd run out of pads last month. And tampons are okay and all-- I'm not one of those weird people who refuses to use them-- I had a roommate at my last college who absolutely refused to use anything other than pads for reasons I never understood. I also have a good friend who refuses to use anything other than tampons, even in an emergency when she doesn't have her own stuff and has to borrow from strangers in a restroom. I don't have a huge preference, but you know, when you're bleeding and bent almost double with cramps, the last thing you want to do is stick something up your vagina. I'm sorry, but for reals. So I decided I needed to go to Safeway.

So I went to the grocery store. And I did what any sane woman would do.

I left with a bottle of Midol, a box of those great big overnight pads (which I love-- unpopular opinion, I know, but they're the best, if you ask me), a bag of Soft-Baked Nantucket Dark Chocolate cookies, a bag of double chocolate Milanos, and a package of Double-Stuf Oreos.

And now I'm sitting on the couch in sweats and a man's t-shirt, with a heating pad and pillow hugged to my stomach, eating some of the Nantucket cookies, and my plan is to watch Ellen and then watch the rest of Season 5 of 30 Rock for the rest of the afternoon. Already took my Midol, and I'm set.

I am such a stereotype of all the bad things about women right now and I'm not even ashamed. I draw the line at writing a letter to S and begging him to come home and spoon me until I feel human again. But do not get me wrong-- the thought has obviously crossed my mind. More than once.

I need to get some of that birth control where you only have your period once a year. For reals, for reals. So many problems in the world would be solved if every woman was on that. That is the least feminist thing that I could possibly say, but, good God, if we're being really honest, it's so true.

And Steve Martin is playing the banjo on Ellen. I'm so confused.

womanhood, tv, life, i am woman hear me roar, food, random

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