On the Subject of S
I got some strange, bizarre and fairly upsetting news tonight and I'm writing about it here because I'm having a lot of feelings and I don't know quite what to do with them besides sit here and literally physically shake and try not to cry.
I've talked about S on this blog before. He and I have had our ups and downs. This summer, we were lovers. We haven't spoken, really spoken, in months now. Things get ugly quickly between him and I, and when they get ugly, they get really ugly. I think it's because we care too much. I vowed I was done with him after an event in December. I blocked his number from my phone and washed my hands of the whole thing. I truly believed I was done.
Tonight a mutual friend M texted me. She had some news, not from S himself, but from another mutual friend who had it from his mother. S dropped out of college and joined the army. He ships out on March 15.
I feel like someone took all the blood out of my veins and replaced it with ice water. My heart doesn't seem to be beating properly-- it only seems to beat about once every three minutes or so in some bizarre anti-rhythm. I can't stop my hands shaking-- this post has been so riddled with typos that it's taking me twice as long to type as usual. A hole opened up in between my breasts, a big gaping hole that I haven't felt for a long time. Not since the early months after Beth's death. The months when he used to fill the hole.
All I can think is, "Not him, too. I can't lose him too. Can't mourn him, too."
M and I know him better than just about anyone now-- now that Beth's gone. Beth who knew him best, Beth who was the only one who understood him and accepted him for who he was/is. And M and I have separately come to the same two conclusions:
1. He can't deal any more and needs something that will break him down and build him back up
or
2. This is some kind of death wish.
I'm sure it sounds melodramatic. But he was devastated by Beth's death (she was the only person he ever REALLY let into his world) and he never showed it, never talked about it, never dealt with it... If I hadn't let people in to help me rebuild my life without her, if I hadn't had people to talk to about it and to prop me up while I dealt with it, I would want to die too. I am only stronger because I allowed myself to be weak. He didn't. M and I both suspect it's the latter, especially with him quitting school halfway through the year, not telling anyone-- I'm not all that surprised that I didn't know, but the fact that he didn't tell M, and didn't tell our mutual friend himself....
The truth is, S was my first love. And I still love him dearly, desperately. I would take a bullet for him, no hesitation. I would do anything, ANYTHING to take away his pain if he would only let me. If I knew what to do to fix him, I would do whatever it took, no holds barred, to put the pieces of him back together again. I love him more than almost anything. Time and distance and misunderstandings don't take that away, as much as I'd love for them to, as much as I try to pretend that they do.
I told him soon after Beth died that I absolutely cannot lose him. CANNOT LOSE HIM. I think it would destroy me. I don't think there would be any coming back from that. I would die. Pieces of my heart, precious pieces, rosy protected inner pieces that are crucial to my soul would shrivel up and blacken and die. I cannot lose him. I cannot lose both of them.
And I cannot tolerate knowing that if he were to die, I would have spent the last months of our relationship pretending that what we are to each other (or maybe what we were to each other) wasn't real, wasn't one of the most important things in my life because he acted like a jackass. Because he was hurting more than I knew, more than I ever dreamed. Within minutes of finding out what he had done, I logged into the Verizon website with trembling fingers and unblocked his number.
S, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I need you to know that. I cannot lose you. Do not make me mourn you, too. Please.
I've talked about S on this blog before. He and I have had our ups and downs. This summer, we were lovers. We haven't spoken, really spoken, in months now. Things get ugly quickly between him and I, and when they get ugly, they get really ugly. I think it's because we care too much. I vowed I was done with him after an event in December. I blocked his number from my phone and washed my hands of the whole thing. I truly believed I was done.
Tonight a mutual friend M texted me. She had some news, not from S himself, but from another mutual friend who had it from his mother. S dropped out of college and joined the army. He ships out on March 15.
I feel like someone took all the blood out of my veins and replaced it with ice water. My heart doesn't seem to be beating properly-- it only seems to beat about once every three minutes or so in some bizarre anti-rhythm. I can't stop my hands shaking-- this post has been so riddled with typos that it's taking me twice as long to type as usual. A hole opened up in between my breasts, a big gaping hole that I haven't felt for a long time. Not since the early months after Beth's death. The months when he used to fill the hole.
All I can think is, "Not him, too. I can't lose him too. Can't mourn him, too."
M and I know him better than just about anyone now-- now that Beth's gone. Beth who knew him best, Beth who was the only one who understood him and accepted him for who he was/is. And M and I have separately come to the same two conclusions:
1. He can't deal any more and needs something that will break him down and build him back up
or
2. This is some kind of death wish.
I'm sure it sounds melodramatic. But he was devastated by Beth's death (she was the only person he ever REALLY let into his world) and he never showed it, never talked about it, never dealt with it... If I hadn't let people in to help me rebuild my life without her, if I hadn't had people to talk to about it and to prop me up while I dealt with it, I would want to die too. I am only stronger because I allowed myself to be weak. He didn't. M and I both suspect it's the latter, especially with him quitting school halfway through the year, not telling anyone-- I'm not all that surprised that I didn't know, but the fact that he didn't tell M, and didn't tell our mutual friend himself....
The truth is, S was my first love. And I still love him dearly, desperately. I would take a bullet for him, no hesitation. I would do anything, ANYTHING to take away his pain if he would only let me. If I knew what to do to fix him, I would do whatever it took, no holds barred, to put the pieces of him back together again. I love him more than almost anything. Time and distance and misunderstandings don't take that away, as much as I'd love for them to, as much as I try to pretend that they do.
I told him soon after Beth died that I absolutely cannot lose him. CANNOT LOSE HIM. I think it would destroy me. I don't think there would be any coming back from that. I would die. Pieces of my heart, precious pieces, rosy protected inner pieces that are crucial to my soul would shrivel up and blacken and die. I cannot lose him. I cannot lose both of them.
And I cannot tolerate knowing that if he were to die, I would have spent the last months of our relationship pretending that what we are to each other (or maybe what we were to each other) wasn't real, wasn't one of the most important things in my life because he acted like a jackass. Because he was hurting more than I knew, more than I ever dreamed. Within minutes of finding out what he had done, I logged into the Verizon website with trembling fingers and unblocked his number.
S, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I need you to know that. I cannot lose you. Do not make me mourn you, too. Please.