(no subject)

[argh_fuck_kill]

I don't want to be such a downer on everybody when they didn't even know Anna.
Most of my friends didn't know me over a year ago when we lost her,
and for those who did, I just disappeared off the map for awhile. They don't know why.

So when everybody is like "yeeeaaa let's hang out on Rutherford 3rd floor yeeeaaah!"
I can't tell them why I avoid that place unless I'm alone
I can't tell them why I avoid hanging out in front of the Business Atrium
Or why I don't like taking the bus to the mall from school.

I don't want to have to explain, and I hate that I just seem like a dick secretly avoiding these places.

I don't even know why I avoid these things. It's not like I'm not thinking about her all the time. It's not like I'll burst into tears.
I just don't want to think I hear her voice, or think I just saw her, or expect to run into her.
I don't want to pull out my phone to text her, or be reminded of anything hilarious or fun we did together.

I don't want people to know I'm still mourning Anna.
I don't want people to know I will never stop mourning Anna.

I don't even know if I want to stop mourning her.