sad
im scared and thats something hard to admit but im scared for micheal. and no one understands it most of all him. i have a dad and a mom i watch in sick but i se my dad cuts and bruses on his arm pain here pain there. i cant grow old with a man and watch the same thing occur. i hate mikes job. the money is the only thing good.but even that has its limits its not stable. and hes always hurt and tired. hes only 19 and doesnt understand.
i cant watch someone die waste away again. i want him at age 30 be able to toss a ball with his son if we ever get to that point.i love him that much.
no one understands how many night i dream of the people i love and how i pray for them. to be ok to be there and know god know how much i love them.
everyone sees me as angry and irratated and never happy. but they dont know how much i love them how much id do anything to take their pain. tammy doesnt know how i still have dreams of saving her from her mom when she used to get abused as a child we were only 9.
or how i think about the day steph called me on my birthday telling me she was going to the hospital and just wanting to do anything i could to make sure i could help her wehter with calling her there or getting her work from classes and taking her notes.
how i still wonder if steph c is bulimic and pray that she knows how beautifull and wonderfulll she is to ever think shes not good enough.
or for shawn to kno he means more than he knows. to me to mike.
i dream and pray for my brother jave. remembering everything we been threw he was the one who i talked to aobut killing myself took me to places he went to the day he found out his best friend killed himself he never liked talking about it.
i cant help but worry. i cant help but care. i hate feeling helpless and i haten ot being able to tell them how much i care ubt i hope that before that day comes htey know just how much i do.
i think thats what i fear the most ... i would question the most is if they knew it.
well now that i poured that out.
i got a 7 am meeting. im tired and cant stop crying,.
its almost 12
goodnight.
i cant watch someone die waste away again. i want him at age 30 be able to toss a ball with his son if we ever get to that point.i love him that much.
no one understands how many night i dream of the people i love and how i pray for them. to be ok to be there and know god know how much i love them.
everyone sees me as angry and irratated and never happy. but they dont know how much i love them how much id do anything to take their pain. tammy doesnt know how i still have dreams of saving her from her mom when she used to get abused as a child we were only 9.
or how i think about the day steph called me on my birthday telling me she was going to the hospital and just wanting to do anything i could to make sure i could help her wehter with calling her there or getting her work from classes and taking her notes.
how i still wonder if steph c is bulimic and pray that she knows how beautifull and wonderfulll she is to ever think shes not good enough.
or for shawn to kno he means more than he knows. to me to mike.
i dream and pray for my brother jave. remembering everything we been threw he was the one who i talked to aobut killing myself took me to places he went to the day he found out his best friend killed himself he never liked talking about it.
i cant help but worry. i cant help but care. i hate feeling helpless and i haten ot being able to tell them how much i care ubt i hope that before that day comes htey know just how much i do.
i think thats what i fear the most ... i would question the most is if they knew it.
well now that i poured that out.
i got a 7 am meeting. im tired and cant stop crying,.
its almost 12
goodnight.