decided
so i decided that wouldn't be my last entry. it's not fair to my journal to just end like that. i thought things would get easier but they just got worse. yesterday i lied to my mom and my boss. told them how sick i was, when that wasn't the truth. i was depressed and just didn't want to move. i cried for ..i'm not entirely sure how long. i think it was the worst day. kristen came over. though i wasn't sure if i wanted anyone there. i had fun,but it still made me sad. i couldn't help but talk about him, about things in the past. i stayed strong the whole time she was here. but after she left..tears back again. why do i love him so much? i know why. he made everything just melt away. he made me feel better and made me laugh. sometimes he made me cry (the good ones). he was there for me like no other person on this world has ever been. and it just sucks. i feel so alone and sad. i don't know what i want to do with my life. im not even sure if i want to stay in psychology. but if i leave then what will i do? nothing makes sense anymore. i was confused about it before but now its worse. all my friends know what they want to do, but i dont let on that i dont know. dumb im sure. life itself...just feels so empty. little things i had are gone. oh i miss those little things so much. his smell, his presense in a room, knowing that at some point i'll see him again. those little things rip me apart. i can;t stp the tears. i cant hold myself together. i will never take anything for granted. that quote "you never know what you had, till its gone" i completely understand. my friends have been suportive...but they dont know shit. they dont feel what im feeling, they have never felt the way i have. thats obvious to me. to say move on and get over it (maybe not so mean) but basically saying that. they dontknow what love is, not if they can say that to me. love just doesnt' stop like that. sometimes i hate him, sometimes i go nuts because i cant stop thinking about him. (tonight).
i'm not sure the point to this entry. just some feelings. also...guys suck. just leave me the fuck alone, no i dont want to hang out with you and no i dont want to date you. fuck. assholes. only one person i want..i cant have and wont have again. he said it was for the best, i just dont see it. this all feels so wrong. i would take fighting with him any day. at least when i was pissed at him..he would do something to make me not mad anymore. oh fuck..this hurts so much/. i have a test in the morning...and i cant sleep. as soon as i leave school its work. till i dunno what hour. tomorrow...will be just a bad day.