chicago
i am missing and missed. it is crazy how months, days can make a difference. hours. are what? i am content in a way i have never been. is this the calm before the storm? it feel different this time. to love without the need of sex. the satisfaction of you more powerful and important than the satisfaction of flesh. to feel that you, that i, am enough. i have reached a point where i know i could live like this. forever. it doesn't quite sound long enough. i have only small threads to the past that is not important. i used to want. to lust. to wish and look for things that were not valid. impractical. i was such a child. i feel lonely. cold. but i feel the need and the warmth of bing loved in the way absence can only love you. he is pure and important. a god in my world. keely, i am reaching happiness. it has been a very roundabout way. there are only a few things i need to do or want to do before i have reached the peak. i feel like i am leveling out. settling. not settling because there is no other option but settling the way sand does at the bottom of the ocean. it starts at the very top and gets pushed and thrown around. then it risks being swallowed on the way down. finally it reaches a place it can sit. and rest. and move slowly with the current. that's actually a really dumb analogy but i have this picture in my head of a scene on planet earth where the sand is swirling around and then it finally stops and there is a calmness there that i recognize. i am such a nerd. a happy masochistic nerd. i am confused in many ways but when i see his eyes everything is clear. completely. i see all my infidelities and lies. i see them and i see that they were worth it. that i have reached the point where i need to be. that i used and was used. that i cried and inflicted pain. i took until i could hold no more but then i also gave until i was only bones. i see imperfections in a new light that did not come to me until now. i see that i am struggling to love myself. i see that i continue to want to change the way i look. i see that i compare myself to others much too often. i see that i am selfish. that i am blind to the things that should be most important. that i drink too much and smoke when i know i shouldn't. but then i see that he loves me. that he loves me more than i will ever deserve and yet i have deserved it. in a way that was not fair or right or clean. but i deserved it nonetheless and i am full. full of contentment and unrest. come home to be baby. come home.