my confessions....

[areyoujokingme]

i am confused. that's all i can offer. a confused little girl with a fish. i have problems and i know it. i have never kept that from you. i hate your questioning. it makes me uncomfortable and naked in a way that i don't like. you are right. i have hidden part of my life and not shown you everything i could but i think i am protecting you and us. i know that you don't like to hear the good. i am showing you the bad and the things that got us in this situation. i am not complaining or blaming. it is all me. i know that. i have wanted to hurt. it has been monthes since the last time. i found the blade and i thought about it. i held it and i envisioned doing it. it is such a twisted sense of release and comfort. but i can't go back there.
i am way off track right now. this isn't what i wanted to write about. i wanted to say that i am sorry i am so complicated and demanding and stubborn and me. i don't know what i want in life or with you. i wish i could give you that but i am living this day by day and really prolonging a decision i should be making. i want so much right now but most of all i want to be happy and content with myself. i am searching for that. i don't know if this is helping or if you are but i am trying to be me. i am trying to do things for myself now. i don't want to feel pressured or pushed because the answer will be me shutting down and shutting you out. i need to feel like i have the choice and i have the time to make the right choice. it's hard. i am unsure.