i've been moving through these streets forever
Things:
1. Aghw! I just bought my ticket to visit Paul and Christian at the end of July! Oh man, I am so, so excited. I love them both so much, and I pretty much can't wait. Oh! And today I got an email from Kirby saying that we can have a Stillwater eating-and-looking-at-old-bookstores date! Seriously, EATING and looking at OLD BOOKSTORES! Is there seriously a better combination? I do not think so.
2. Lauren is home! This is pretty much exciting in itself. I also can't wait for Melissa's party tomorrow, the 4th of July, the Taste of Chicago (oh awkward Iowa friends <3), and probably a lot of future drunken heart-to-hearts with Katie.
3. Which brings me to my second point: Katie comes home tomorrow! See drunken heart-to-hearts.
4. I'm getting kind of ridiculously nervous about sophomore year. Every time I think about it, I start thinking, oh God, all my friends are going abroad, what if my floor is the most terrible thing ever?, do I want to do Neverland if my two best friends are directing it, and would they even give me a part anyway?, I don't want to go through the stress of auditioning for a mainstage and getting rejected, I don't think I want to be a French OR theatre major, so when did everything I like start sucking?, I just want to be a first year again. Agwhgwh. I'm sure that about 90% of these worries are completely unfounded and useless, but that's kind of how I roll.
The thing is, theatre makes me so insecure and so worry-y that sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I hate turning things into a competition and a measure of self-worth, but it's hard when Chris is like, "This class is based on improvement, and you HAVEN'T IMPROVED." Hahahaha I mean, he would never say that, but you know what I mean. It's hard not to take a grade personally. Blargh. I don't know. And it kind of just makes it a thousand times harder that a lot of my friends act, and even harder that they're all so amazingly good at it. Blargh. Do you ever feel like...where's my talent? When is something going to come along that I am amazingly good at, that people will say, "Oh my God, I wish I could [whatever] like she can."? And realistically, the answer is probably never. So why can't I just settle with being decent at a few things? Why do I feel that to be worthy, I have to be something really special and extraordinary? I don't know. Hahahaha good question, Rachel! Let's have them write up an essay on that one! I'm just constantly afraid that as good as I get at something, someone else is going to come along and render my efforts pointless. Or that as hard as I work at something, I will never be as good as other people, or as good as I want to be, or something. At least with French, you know when you're good at it, and you can work on it and see improvement. I feel like with theatre, you could work on it forever and still not be all that good, and I don't know if I can handle that. Blargh.
So anyway, yes. I like to worry. A lot. And not live in the present and all that. Ahh, obsession, you are my bitch lover. <3
1. Aghw! I just bought my ticket to visit Paul and Christian at the end of July! Oh man, I am so, so excited. I love them both so much, and I pretty much can't wait. Oh! And today I got an email from Kirby saying that we can have a Stillwater eating-and-looking-at-old-bookstores date! Seriously, EATING and looking at OLD BOOKSTORES! Is there seriously a better combination? I do not think so.
2. Lauren is home! This is pretty much exciting in itself. I also can't wait for Melissa's party tomorrow, the 4th of July, the Taste of Chicago (oh awkward Iowa friends <3), and probably a lot of future drunken heart-to-hearts with Katie.
3. Which brings me to my second point: Katie comes home tomorrow! See drunken heart-to-hearts.
4. I'm getting kind of ridiculously nervous about sophomore year. Every time I think about it, I start thinking, oh God, all my friends are going abroad, what if my floor is the most terrible thing ever?, do I want to do Neverland if my two best friends are directing it, and would they even give me a part anyway?, I don't want to go through the stress of auditioning for a mainstage and getting rejected, I don't think I want to be a French OR theatre major, so when did everything I like start sucking?, I just want to be a first year again. Agwhgwh. I'm sure that about 90% of these worries are completely unfounded and useless, but that's kind of how I roll.
The thing is, theatre makes me so insecure and so worry-y that sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I hate turning things into a competition and a measure of self-worth, but it's hard when Chris is like, "This class is based on improvement, and you HAVEN'T IMPROVED." Hahahaha I mean, he would never say that, but you know what I mean. It's hard not to take a grade personally. Blargh. I don't know. And it kind of just makes it a thousand times harder that a lot of my friends act, and even harder that they're all so amazingly good at it. Blargh. Do you ever feel like...where's my talent? When is something going to come along that I am amazingly good at, that people will say, "Oh my God, I wish I could [whatever] like she can."? And realistically, the answer is probably never. So why can't I just settle with being decent at a few things? Why do I feel that to be worthy, I have to be something really special and extraordinary? I don't know. Hahahaha good question, Rachel! Let's have them write up an essay on that one! I'm just constantly afraid that as good as I get at something, someone else is going to come along and render my efforts pointless. Or that as hard as I work at something, I will never be as good as other people, or as good as I want to be, or something. At least with French, you know when you're good at it, and you can work on it and see improvement. I feel like with theatre, you could work on it forever and still not be all that good, and I don't know if I can handle that. Blargh.
So anyway, yes. I like to worry. A lot. And not live in the present and all that. Ahh, obsession, you are my bitch lover. <3