Office Antics, Episode 7
Title Office Antics, Episode 7
Rating PG-13
Word Count 6875
Pairings Baekyeol, Kaisoo, Hunhan
Summary [office!au] Twelve guys and one software startup. Baekhyun’s that new guy, Chanyeol's the guy who falls for the new guy, Kyungsoo has pedo problems, Junmyeon's the oblivious CEO, Kris is the cutthroat CFO, Yixing’s out to get more vacation time, Tao’s a receptionist (sorta), Minseok is a closeted romantic, Jongin’s the intern that actually does stuff, Sehun’s the intern that doesn’t, and Luhan and Jongdae just like messing around.
Episode 7: The Aftermath
| an email was in order |
Re: Apologies
From: do.kyungsoo@exomksys.com
Recipients: kim.junmyeon@exomksys.com, wufanclan90@gmail.com, kim.minseok@exomksys.com, lu.han@exomksys.com, zhang.yixing@exomksys.com, byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com, kim.jongdae@exomksys.com, park.chanyeol@exomksys.com, huang.zitao@exomksys.com, kim.jongin@exomksys.com, oh.sehun@exomksys.com
Hello All,
I would like to issue a formal apology for my behavior last night. Due to a high-than-average blood-alcohol content, I acted irrationally and made a few actions that I deeply regret.
First, I would like to thank Kris for hosting the event, and apologize for the destruction I have caused to his home. I appear to have broken one half of the ping-pong table off with excessive fist pounding as well as accidently ripped off the shower curtain in the first-floor bathroom doing something I can’t quite recall. In addition, there were shards of glass scattered all over the floor from the beer bottle I shattered against a wall in apparent anger over our beer pong loss. They have been vacuumed to the best of my ability. Also, I am most sorry for scrawling “Junmyeon, grow a pair of balls or you’ll never become the man your mother is,” in blue expo marker in the foyer. Junmyeon’s mother is, in fact, a very lovely woman who bears no physical resemblance to a man.
I have also sent the rug from the first-floor bathroom to the cleaners under my tab, as per Junmyeon’s suggestion. That should be back within a week.
Additionally, I have been informed that I was the individual who keyed “Luhan is a lazy-ass motherfucker” into the driver-side door of his new BMW. I would like to express my regrets here and also mention that we have reached an outside settlement on the damage, which includes […] I would also like to apologize for my misrepresentation of my colleague. Luhan is not “a lazy-ass motherfucker,” but rather is a highly motivated and accomplished individual, as well as an invaluable asset to our team. He has also asked me to insert a few words intended for the rest of the team, and I quote: “Booyah suckers, cha-ching, cha-ching, Luhan is da [sic] king,” and “It’s raining $500 up in thiz [sic] hizz-house.” Unfortunately, since I am not the familiar with the context, I am unable to clarify the meaning of this statement at this time.
If anyone else has any complaints, then please email me back, preferably not with the ‘Reply All’ function, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
On a side note, thank you Junmyeon for organizing a successful social function.
I will also be missing work on Monday and Tuesday for personal reasons.
And, sorry, Jongin.
Deepest regrets,
Do Kyungsoo
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: wufanclan90@gmail.com
Recipients: do.kyungsoo@exomksys.com, kim.junmyeon@exomksys.com, wufanclan90@gmail.com, kim.minseok@exomksys.com, lu.han@exomksys.com, zhang.yixing@exomksys.com, byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com, kim.jongdae@exomksys.com, park.chanyeol@exomksys.com, huang.zitao@exomksys.com, kim.jongin@exomksys.com, oh.sehun@exomksys.com
it’s aight.
put in a week’s worth of unpaid hours and you’ll be good to go. next time send this to my work email, i rarely check my personal account anymore.
also, luhan, i’ll be holding off on that raise for another month on grounds of excessive gloating. because i can.
-kris
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: wufanclan90@gmail.com, do.kyungsoo@exomksys.com, kim.junmyeon@exomksys.com, wufanclan90@gmail.com, kim.minseok@exomksys.com, zhang.yixing@exomksys.com, byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com, kim.jongdae@exomksys.com, park.chanyeol@exomksys.com, huang.zitao@exomksys.com, kim.jongin@exomksys.com, oh.sehun@exomksys.com
That’s uncalled for.
Oh, and your email is embarrassing.
Lu Han
Executive Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: kim.jongdae@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Who the fuck made you executive director?
Kim Jongdae
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: wufanclan90@gmail.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
i did.
tacking on “executive” is used to appease unsatisfied but easily pleased employees by giving them an ego boost with a meaningless title rather than with a raise.
-kris
From: zhang.yixing@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Well…what does that make me then
Zhang Yixing
Executive Executive Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: kim.minseok@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
special
Kim Minseok
Executive^3 Technical Writer
From: zhang.yixing@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
I have no words for you.
Zhang Yixing
Executive Executive Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Kris.
You.
Suck.
I want my raise.
Lu Han
Executive Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: wufanclan90@gmail.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
whoops, that response was meant to be private
-kris
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Well ya fucked up.
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: wufanclan90@gmail.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
this is not how you get a raise.
-kris
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
I meant, Commander Kris, you are my light and savior.
Would you take it upon the benevolence within your heart to increase this humble engineer’s annual salary by a modest $6k?
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
Part time Kris disciple
From: wufanclan90@gmail.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
only a part time disciple?
-kris
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Better?
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK System
All-Day Every-Day Kris Disciple
From: wufanclan90@gmail.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
much better
i’ll think about it
-kris
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Can I request to be taken off this thread? It’s cluttering up my inbox.
Thanks,
Byun Baekhyun
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
lol
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
All-Day Every-Day Kris Disciple
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Please?
Byun Baekhyun
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Also could you please stop spamming me with pictures of cats, Luhan?
The first time was cute, but 60 individually photos you sent me within the last 10 minutes are significantly less cute and significantly more annoying.
Byun Baekhyun
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Okay, seriously, Luhan stop.
Byun Baekhyun
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Luhan.
Byun Baekhyun
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
I’m telling you, one more picture of a fucking cat, and you’re going to regret it.
Byun Baekhyun
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Okay, granted that last one was a dog, and I do like dogs, but one more fucking picture of anything, and-
annnd my inbox count just went up. I’m going to go check it right now, and if that’s from you Luhan, you’re in for a piece of hell.
Byun Baekhyun
Director of at EXO-MK Systems
From: park.chanyeol@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
I like dogs too.
Park Chanyeol
Sales Representative at EXO-MK Systems
From: zhang.yixing@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
If that’s what you’re into, Chanyeol whispered.
Zhang Yixing
Executive Executive Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: kim.minseok@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
As he sat alone in his dark bedroom, nothing but the glowing screen of his laptop and a sock in his hand for company.
Kim Minseok
Executive Technical Writer
From: park.chanyeol@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Except I didn’t and I’m not even alone. I’m in my living room right now with my sister.
And why a sock?
Park Chanyeol
Sales Representative at EXO-MK Systems
From: zhang.yixing@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
woosh
Zhang Yixing
Executive Executive Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: park.chanyeol@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Huh?
Park Chanyeol
Sales Representative at EXO-MK Systems
From: kim.minseok@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Right over your head.
Kim Minseok
Executive Technical Writer
From: kim.jongin@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
rOFLOLolOL -sehun
Kim Jongin
Senior Intern at EXO-MK Systems
From: kim.jongin@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
sehun…why and how the fuck are you sending messages from my work email?
Kim Jongin
Senior Intern at EXO-MK Systems
From: kim.jongin@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
oh shit - sehun
Kim Jongin
Senior Intern at EXO-MK Systems
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
BAEKHYUN I’M SORRY
rEALLY
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
All-Day Every-Day Kris Disciple
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
JUST MAKE IT STOP
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
All-Day Every-Day Kris Disciple
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
pLEase
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
All-Day Every-Day Kris Disciple
From: huang.zitao@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
What did Baekhyun do?
Huang Zitao
QA and Security Tester at EXO-MK Systems
From: lu.han@exomksys.com,
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
I’m not going to send any more cat pictures
just no moar emails
I’m sorry.
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
All-Day Every-Day Kris Disciple
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
lol luhan.
Just used a script I wrote for fun one day.
Luhan’s getting an email a second for the next 24 hours.
Heh.
Byun Baekhyun
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: kim.jongdae@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Respect, I have nothing short of mad respect for you Byun Baekhyun.
Kim Jongdae
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
you’re kidding right.
and why didn’t i think of this.
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
All-Day Every-Day Kris Disciple
From: byun.baekhyun@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Nope, not kidding. But now you have 86,400 emails to look forward to! ^_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________^
Byun Baekhyun
Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: zhang.yixing@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Hey Baekhyun, I think I’m going to like you a lot.
Let’s be really good friends.
Zhang Yixing
Executive Executive Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: park.chanyeol@exomksys.com
Recipients: zhang.yixing@exomksys.com
…
Park Chanyeol
Sales Representative at EXO-MK Systems
From: zhang.yixing@exomksys.com
Recipient: park.chanyeol@exomksys.com
uh…not in that way dude
Zhang Yixing
Executive Executive Director at EXO-MK Systems
From: lu.han@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Fuck all of you guys.
Except for Junmyeon, since he wasn’t here. He probably won’t even respond until Monday since he sucks at checking his emails.
Lu Han
Best Director at EXO-MK Systems
All-Day Every-Day Kris Disciple
From: kim.junmyeon@exomksys.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
Hello,
You’re welcome, Kyungsoo.
And thanks(??) Luhan. Give him a raise, Kris. I think he deserves it.
Kim Junmyeon
CEO of EXO-KM Systems
From: wufanclan@gmail.com
Recipients: all [Collapsed]
believe me when i say he doesn’t.
-kris
Re: I am really sorry
From: do.kyungsoo@exokmsys.com
Recipient: kim.jongin@exokmsys.com
Hi Jongin,
I’d just like to mention again that I’m really sorry.
I’m not sure what happened last night, I really can’t remember, but somehow we ended up in the bathroom together. I took care of the cleaning that Junmyeon and Kris requested, but let me know if I need to fix anything else, or if I did anything to you.
Also I’ll be away for two days on an impromptu vacation. I’ll send you an email later about the things you need tot take care of while I’m gone
Do Kyungsoo
Director at EXO-MK Systems
Re: I am really sorry
From: kim.jongin@exokmsys.com
Recipient: do.kyungsoo@exokmsys.com
but sempai, my kokoro beats loudly for you!!1!1
Love,
Kim Jongin
Intern at EXO-MK Systems
Re: I am really sorry
From: kim.jongin@exokmsys.com
Recipient: do.kyungsoo@exokmsys.com
Hi Kyungsoo,
Sorry that was Sehun again. And don’t worry about it.
Have a nice vacation.
Kim Jongin
Intern at EXO-MK Systems
Re: you.
From: kimkai@gmail,com
Recipient: thesehun007@hotmail.com
You’re screwed the moment I see you at school tomorrow.
-jongin
Re: you.
From: thesehun007@hotmail.com
Recipient: kimkai@gmail,com
Like Kyungsoo-style?
-sehun
Re: you.
From: thesehun007@hotmail.com
Recipient: kimkai@gmail,com
I swear you have balls the size of planets. Or maybe you don’t realize how serious I am about killing you.
-jongin
Re: you.
From: thesehun007@hotmail.com
Recipient: kimkai@gmail,com
How do they compare to Kyungsoo’s?
-sehun
Re: you.
From: thesehun007@hotmail.com
Recipient: kimkai@gmail,com
I am going to kill you dead.
-jongin
~o~
| trike binds and tyke minds |
Today was going to be a bad day. Sehun could feel it.
Maybe it was the fact that he woke up 10 minutes before school today, forcing himself to burst out of bed, sprint to his car, run a few stop signs so he could rush into class 15 minutes late to his physics exam, hair disheveled, two different shoes on, pajama pants still slung around his waist.
Or maybe it was because he forgot his calculator at home. And his formula sheet. And a ruler.
And well, there went his A.
Or maybe the fact that his pajama pants split in half during lunch, bringing an uncomfortable breeze to his nether regions and showcasing his plaid-patterned boxers to the world. Or the fact that he ended up getting sent to the principal’s office on the charge of violating the dress code. Or the fact that he was subsequently forced into a pair of short PE shorts, revealing more of his blindingly pale thighs than he had ever cared to show.
Or maybe how he also got slapped with a $30 parking ticket. Honestly, how was he supposed to know that the school was ticketing today. They never did. Oh his mother was going to be pissed.
Yeah, screw that, today was already bad.
So it was just the icing on a shitty day cake when he fell the moment he stepped into the office. One moment he's opening the door and taking step forward, and the next, the world’s slipping out under his feet and he’s suddenly flat on his back, completely winded, too out of breath to do anything more than appreciate the tiles on the ceiling.
"Are you okay?" Tao looks down for second as he types furiously, taking pauses to hit enter or grab the mouse and click somewhere on the screen.
"I think so,” Sehun puts a hand to his forehead as a wave a pain strikes where he imagines his brain to be.
“Okay,” Tao looks back at his screen, squeezing his bottom lip with his fingers as he scrutinizes something on his monitor, eyebrows slowly creasing into an unsatisfied frown.
“Aren’t you going to ask me if I need help or something?” Sehun turns his head just enough to stare at Tao between a crack in his fingers.
“Oh, huh. I should, huh,” Tao begins typing again, this time more quickly than before, and repeating monotonously after Sehun. “Do you need help or something?”
“Maybe,” Sehun winces again as he braces himself against his elbow in an attempt to get up. “Could you get my bag?”
“Maybe later,” Tao waves Sehun off distractedly, furiously deleting a section, punching the delete key with some kind of determination. “I’m mean, I’m kind of busy right now.”
“Why did you even bother offering?” Sehun mutters, rolling his eyes.
“I’ve been told it’s the thought that counts. And so I thought about it. And ultimately decided to not help you.”
Sehun begins to mutter something along the lines of “Fuck you,” before remembering that Tao was pretty damn good at wushu and, well, today he’d like to have his head remain on his shoulders. So instead, he leans against his forearm in another attempt to get up, before slipping and hitting his head against the ground again.
“Nice,” Tao glances down at Sehun. “Elegant, even. If these were the Olympics, I’d award you a solid 8.001 out of 10.”
“Why not higher?” Sehun groans, a solid headache setting into the center of his skull.
“You didn’t stick the landing. I gave you the extra 0.001 points for style though.”
“What did I even slip on?” Sehun ignores Tao as he looks around blearily.
“The welcome mat.” Tao points at a single sheet of laminated sheet of hot pink printer paper with “WELCOME TO EXO-MK SYSTEMS” centered in the comic sans typeface. “You slipped on it when you came in too.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You stepped on it, slipped, fell on the ground,” Tao takes another sip from his water bottle. “Twice. Like a dumbass if I might add-“
“No I mean why does that even exist?”
“Oh, Junmyeon and Kris were arguing over interior design.”
“Huh?”
“Junmyeon thought we should spruce the place up a bit, because it’s really boring. Kris didn’t give a shit, but Junmyeon wouldn’t shut up about it, so to humor him Kris printed out the sheet of paper and stuck it on the ground,” Tao laughs blithely. “Or something, I wasn’t really paying attention.”
“I see.”
“Oh, also” Tao glances down at Sehun, “You might want to move your head.”
“Why?” Sehun places his forearm over his eyes. “I’m starting to like it down here, it’s relaxing.”
“That’s nice,” Tao nods, stopping for a moment to take a sip from his water bottle. “But you’re in the middle of the track.”
“The track?”
Before Tao can respond, Sehun hears a pop and Chanyeol shout “Go!” And he looks down and realizes he’s laying on top of a row of masking tape that suspiciously looks like the boundary of a racing track…ah... a track...oh shit.
And his fears are confirmed when he spots Luhan rounding the corner on a tricycle, tongue stuck out in determination as he peddles furiously, Yixing right on his tail a few inches behind. And that’s about when Luhan spots him too, and his look of concentration immediately transforms into a look of terror as he swerves to avoid Sehun.
But like mentee, like mentor, the front wheel of Luhan’s trike hits the welcome mat, sending the bike to the left and Luhan flying to the right. And when he lands, conveniently, on Sehun’s chest, with a thump and grunt, all Sehun can really think about is that he’s close enough to see to peach fuzz on Luhan's cheek and to get a whiff full of the cologne Luhan's wearing (that smell suspiciously like Axe). And, man, his heart kind of melts when Luhan looks down and grins, “Oh hey, Sehun,” before thumping Sehun’s chest with a free hand and quickly getting up, grabbing his bike and clamoring duck-footedly down the hall like a madman after Yixing, throwing down the tricycle when he’s halfway down and peddling around the corner, shouting, “Redo you bastard, I call interference!”
Sehun can hear Yixing yell from the other side, “Sometimes life throws us obstacles Luhan, you gotta learn how to be swift and navigate around them.”
Sehun gets up warily, brushing off his back and taking care to step around the welcome mat this time. He tiptoes around the corner to be greet by the sight of a gaggle of the entire office, save Junmyeon, Kris, and Tao, collected between the cubicles next to a crudely made sign labeled EXO-MK Winter Olympics 2013.
“I’ve had enough of your life lessons Yixing,” Luhan whines, kicking the wheel of his tricycle and causing it to fall over. “I just want to win. Like once.”
“And so the winner of the 100-yard tricycle dash is Yixing,” Chanyeol announces amidst applause, digging into his pocket and fishing out a plastic card. “And he gets this almost-spent Starbucks gift card with $1.64 left on it.’
“You can almost buy an iced coffee,” Baekhyun admires, eyes wide at the sight of the card. “Almost.”
“What does second place get?” Kyungsoo asks, peeping over the edge of his cubicle.
“This,” Chanyeol holds up a roughly-cut out star from a golden gum wrapper with the words “you tried” scribbled in sharpie on the front. He takes a paper clip and fastens it to the front of Luhan’s shirt. “For your valiant efforts. And that concludes the second day of the Office Olympics.”
“Too be fair,” Yixing notes dryly, sliding the card into his wallet. “That’s probably worth more than what I got.”
“Trade?” Luhan jokes, as he takes the star off. He tapes it to the side of their cubicle right, placing it next to two other gum wrapper stars. “I have three now, one from balloon volleyball and one from the waste-bin basketball competition.”
“Naw, I need some coffee later,” Yixing laughs as he pockets his wallet. “Also that should serve to remind you that you’re solidly in second place.”
“I don’t want you to remind me,” Luhan shakes his head at the ground. “I’ll win one day.”
“Whatever,” Yixing nods at Sehun’s direction. “Your mentee’s here, so you should get working.”
“Yeah,” Luhan motions Sehun over as they enter the cubicle, depositing the paper clip in a basket by his computer. “There’s wasn’t a lot of stuff to do today though.”
“That’s good,” Sehun notes as he throws his bag against the wall. “What’s with the past tense?”
“Yeah, there wasn’t, so I gave it all to Tao,” Luhan snickers. “That’s why he was so bent out of shape. It’s mainly because he owes me a favor for a bet I made a few months back, but also it’s something he can get done in like an hour. You’d probably take at least three.”
“Thanks.”
“I mean no offense or anything,” Luhan raises his hands. “Tao’s just exceptionally fast, I’d probably take like two hours at least.”
“Oh,” Sehun’s mood lightens and spins around in his chair, stopping just as he faces his desk and moving the mouse to wake the computer up. “So what am I doing?”
“I thought I’d teach you some basic programming today.”
“Sorry, what?” Sehun spins around to see Luhan picking at his nails.
“I’ll start helping you learn how to program, you know like the basic languages,” Luhan says quickly, one arm tuck under the other, still looking down at his nails. “That’s what you came here for anyway, right?”
“Yeah,” Sehun feels a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Thanks.”
“So what do you know?”
“Just some Java. That’s all that AP Comp Sci teaches.”
“Ah,” Luhan looks up for a moment, lost in thought. “Then I’ll start teaching you Python since it’s really clean, and maybe C later if you get good enough. One’s not really better than the other, it really depends on what you’re using it for, so we can just go in whatever order. Though I don’t know if I should teach you C++ too…I’ll ask Kyungsoo or something later for his opinion, I just hope you don’t get them mixed up…”
“I’ll try not,” Sehun swivels around to face the computer and types his login code. “Where do we start?”
“Here,” and suddenly Luhan’s leaning over Sehun, one hand swiping Sehun’s fingers off the mouse, the other braced against the table on Sehun’s other side. His face is so close to Sehun’s that he can see Luhan’s eyelashes in his peripherals and his voice, whispering and light, reverberating in his right ear. “And if you get done by 5, we’re going to go play soccer.”
“What else do I get?”
“Wow,” Luhan raises his eyebrows. “Greedy much? What else could you possibly besides my glorious presence?”
Not much, if Sehun was being honest.
“Here,” Luhan sticks a piece of scotch tape to one of his gold stars and fastens it to the edge of the screen. “You get one of these.”
“And if I don’t make finish by five?”
Luhan takes the star back and scribbles “you didn’t try,” on the grey surface of the back. “One of these. So finish. I want to play soccer.”
Sehun takes it back. Today is going to be a good day.
~o~
| printer ghosts and bad advice |
“I think there are ghosts here.”
Jongdae slowly looks up to find a disheveled Minseok clinging to the edge of his cubicle, “What?”
“I think,” Minseok repeats slowly, eyes darting from left to right. “There are ghosts.”
“What makes you think that?”
“They’ve been trying to contact me, SHIT,” Minseok jumps violently as he hears a thump.
“Sorry,” Jongdae apologizes, picking his water bottle off of the floor. “That was me.”
“Don’t scare me like that,” Minseok snaps. “I’m already on the edge.”
“So about those ghosts…?
“Oh yeah,” Minseok drops his voice down to a whisper. “They’ve been trying to contact me.”
“…How?”
“Through my printer.”
“Okay of all the bullshit I’ve heard today-“
“No, I’m being serious,” Minseok mutters. “At first I thought it was an error, because it kept printing shit like this.”
Minseok pulls out a sheet of paper with a single line of random characters printed neatly at the top:
⠿Сㅡ⽧आㅉḭ९ḟऔϤ⑴औी⠍็〄 ◴╮╳͔̆̄༛⠆ᴿ̨ᴿ͕̬⟡╮⥁␀㋚╮㋚̒̅ ◡⥰༳❦♧❋⧮≶⦺◹∹≻⦜♤
“So,” Jongdae takes the sheet of paper from Minseok, and puts on a pair of glasses, squinting at the characters in examination. “It probably was an error.”
“Why are you putting on fashion glasses? That thing on your face doesn’t even have lenses,” Minseok hisses. “Please try to take this seriously.”
“Okay, okay,” Jongdae takes off his glasses.
“And I wasn’t done yet, it printed a fucking 100 more sheets of this shit-“
Minseok lugs a stack of paper and balances it on the edge of Jongdae’s cubicle.
“Could you not put it there?” Jongdae warily eyes the stack, especially as it begins to slide towards the interior of his cubicle. “It’s going to fall into-okay yeah, there it goes.”
Minseok ignores Jongdae, “And then after it was done doing that, it started pulling out this scary shit.”
Minseok holds up a series of papers, each one with garbled writing, and each getting clearer than the last.
“The fuck?” Jongdae reaches for his glasses again, only to be smacked in the head by the stack of paper.
“And then,” Minseok begins to shake. “This one.”
He holds up a sheet of paper, which has nothing more than five words typed legibly in 12-point font the center.
And then the next.
Minseok then tosses the next sheet onto Jongdae’s lap.
Minseok holds up the next piece of paper and lets it float into Jongdae’s cubicle.
“Oh,” Jongdae’s eyes widen. “Gosh.”
“And then,” Minseok whimpers, holding up four more sheets of paper, each with a single number printed in the top left hand corner, “It’s been printing off a count down. Starting with 7. It’s at 4 now.”
“What happens when it reaches zero?”
“I have no idea,” Minseok clings to the edge of the cubicle. “So I’m out of my wits right now.”
“So you better run,” Yixing suddenly appears behind Minseok.
Minseok jumps and lets out garbled yell, before looking around to check that no one saw or heard (everyone heard), glaring at Yixing then composing himself and walking briskly back to his office.
“Hey,” Jongdae calls out to Minseok as he leans over his cubicle. “Are you going to pick these papers up…?”
Minseok’s door slams shut in response.
“Or…not,” Jongdae slides back into his seat. “I guess. Okay, don’t mind me, that’s okay too.”
“Your floor looks like a hamster cage,” Yixing notes, looking down at Jongdae’s floor.
“Yeah, no thanks to you,” Jongdae grumbles as he stoops to collect the paper. “Admittedly this is a pretty hilarious idea.”
“Me?” Yixing gasps in mock astonishment, placing a hand on his chest. “What did I do?”
“This printer prank was your fucking thing,” Jongdae mutters as he crouches under the desk to grab a few stray sheets.
“Actually it was Baekhyun’s,” Yixing presses a finger against his lips. “I’m just implementing it.”
“It was?” Jongdae looks up in surprise. “He’s on a roll.”
“Yeah,” Yixing snickers. “He’s the one who figured out that Minseok’s printer can print things remotely. Kyungsoo’s can too actually.”
“Are you doing anything to his?”
“We were,” Yixing sighs. “Like we were printing the same thing.”
“Haha, how did it go?”
“He figured it out pretty quickly,” Yixing looks down disappointedly. “And asked around about who was printing off his printer. We didn’t say anything, so he just started leaving the stacks of paper by the fax machine.”
“Aww.”
“But that’s okay, because we’re also messing around with Kris right now.”
“How?”
“He asked us to help with his new printer just an hour ago, since it wasn’t printing anything. Turns out he forgot to plug in one of the cables, but Baekhyun told him it was voice activated instead. Said it needed his name and the command.”
“And Kris believed him?”
“Yeah,” Yixing points towards Kris’s office.
“Kris. Print.” And a pause. “Kris. Print.” Another pause. “KRIS…PRINT…KRIS. Oh fuck THIS SHIT DAMMIT.”
Kris bursts out of his door angrily, face set in a scowl, freezing the moment he notices Yixing and Jongdae blankly staring.
“Hey,” Kris attempts to regain composure, combing a few fingers through his hair and dropping the angry look on his face. He then nods a couple times before taking a deep breath and storming towards Baekhyun’s office.
“Ouch,” Yixing winces. “Baekhyun’s going to get it.”
“Aren’t you going to cover for him? Kris listens to you.”
“Nope, it won’t work anymore.” Yixing flinches as Kris bangs angrily on Baekhyun’s door. “I’ll handle Minseok though. He’s going to freak out when he finds out.”
“Oh yeah, what are you going to put on the seventh day?”
“I haven’t decided yet. But maybe something like:
‘Hello
-Grandma.”
“Aren’t both his grandmothers dead?” Jongdae bites his lip.
“Exactly. Sent from the grave.”
“You’re evil.”
“Tell me something new.”
~o~
| woes of the fourteenth kind |
Really, Chanyeol decided, the fourteenth of February was just a day. It was just a set of 24 hours that happened to fall on the 14th day of the second month.
It was footballer Kang Minsoo’s birthday for instance, it was the day of the invasion of the Second Beohr War, it was also the day of synthesis for the element Lawrencium.
It was also the 14th day of Bird-feeding month in America, or something like that.
Okay, yeah, it was also Valentines Day.
And that made his plan to ask Baekhyun out to dinner just that more awkward. It’s not like he planned it to be on Valentines Day (okay yeah he did), and it’s not like he was putting any effort into it or anything (okay he chose a restaurant but didn’t make reservations), and it’s not like he put effort into his image or anything (besides getting a trim and putting some styling gel to make it look nice).
Okay yeah, he actually put in significant energy into this, and rejection, if it happened, would kind of suck. Maybe he wouldn’t ask.
But somehow his feet had taken him to the edge of Baekhyun’s office, right foot right on the seam in the carpet that divided Baekhyun’s space from the rest of the floor. Baekhyun was slouched in his chair, his back towards him, and in that moment Chanyeol wondered if it wasn’t too late to scamper back to his office, back to his sanctuary of not looking dumb and his reprieve from racing heartbeats.
But of course, his nose decides to be itchy as hell right then and there, and in an effort to stifle the impending sneeze, Chanyeol whips around to muffle it without getting his bearings straight, causing him to beautifully miss the open doorway and ram his head into the doorframe instead. And it’s the initial shock that sends Chanyeol sinking to the ground, the pain doesn’t set in until a minute later, dull and throbbing somewhere along the side of his head. Chanyeol can’t pinpoint where, it’s all just a aching mess. And somewhere among the stars, an unfocused image of Baekhyun’s worried face, and a series of “are you okays!?” and “stay right here, I’ll get an icepack,” Chanyeol lets out the sneeze.
.
“Jeez,” Baekhyun sighs as he holds an ice pack to Chanyeol’s head. “What did you do?”
“Missed the door,” Chanyeol groans, pinching his eyes shut in an attempt to block out the most recent wave of pain.
“…how?” Baekhyun tentatively asks, looking at the width of the doorframe.
“I don’t know,” Chanyeol moans. “I was just being me.”
Baekhyun laughs lightly, and it sounds nice. Though not quite as nice as when Baekhyun’s fingers steadily brush away the bangs from Chanyeol’s eyes, tips gently running over his forehead. He could get used to this.
“So,” Baekhyun shifts the ice pack slightly to the right. “What brings you here?”
“I have a question.”
“Okay,” Baekhyun looks expectantly at Chanyeol.
And Chanyeol wasn’t quite anticipating asking Baekhyun when he was less than a foot away from his face, eyes clear and bring in his peripherals
“I was wondering if you were free tonight?” For dinner.
“Ah,” Baekhyun guilty looks off to the side, and Chanyeol’s heart sinks because he immediately knows Baekhyun isn’t. “I think I actually already have other plans today.“
And it’s not like Chanyeol tries to look dejected as he takes the icepack from Baekhyun and stands up, wobbling a little from the rush of blood to his head, but he guesses that’s how he comes across when Baekhyun slaps his hands together and pleads, “Sorry!”
“That’s okay,” Chanyeol says hollowly as he begins to totter away, and really all he wants to do is get out of this room. Because it’s not exactly a rejection, but it’s pretty damn close, and everything just kind of seems shitty right now.
“Oh but Chanyeol, are you-hey wait up,” Baekhyun calls out. Suddenly his phone begins to ring. “Hey Chanyeol, oh shoot, wait let me take this call first…”
.
“Can I crash here?” Chanyeol asks rhetorically as he slumps into Kris’s chair.
“Uh,” Kris looks at Chanyeol from across the room, hand wedged between a series of files in a metal cabinet. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”
“Humor me just for this minute, you’re speaking to a broken man.”
“Uh,” Kris utters again. “I don’t even know what you did, but I’m going to guess it has to do with Baekhyun, and I’m going to guess again that you’re overreacting.”
“Please. Humor me.”
“Well, I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing, because I’m being a productive member of society,” Kris turns back to the filing cabinet. “And pretend like I’m listening to you. If that’s okay. Which it is. Because I’m okay with it.”
“My life sucks,” Chanyeol ignores Kris and mopes, head lulling over the back of the chair.
“Oh, don’t worry, I know,” Kris mutters without glancing up.
“Thanks.”
“I’d really hate to be you,” Kris continues.
“Oh, okay,” Chanyeol frowns, leaning forward picking up a paper clip from Kris’s desk.
“Like, not even kidding.”
“Okay,” Chanyeol begins to untwist the paper clip, forming an S with the metal. “It’s getting old.”
“Like," Kris looks up. "If I were given three wishes, one of them would be to not be you.”
“Really.”
“Yeah, and the second one would be for a fucking good sandwich.”
“What the fuck?” Chanyeol accidently snaps the paper clip in half and stares at the two pieces in his hand.
"What?"
"Why would you waste a wish on a sandwich?"
"Why wouldn't you?"
"I don't know," Chanyeol swivels around. "Like for many, many reasons."
“It's achievable, and delicious. I like to keep my wishes realistic,” Kris adjusts the crease on his collar. “But then, I’d wish for three more wishes, so I’d be okay.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Yeah I can.”
“But isn’t there like…genie legislation in place to prevent abuses of power?” Chanyeol begins to spin aimlessly in his chair, watching the world spin by in a blur.
“Uh…what?”
“Like aren’t there rules and stuff to make sure that people like you can’t take advantage of an infinite amount of wishes?”
“Uh…”
“They could have the genie balance of power too,” Chanyeol begins to wave the paper clip pieces excitedly in the air. “Like the genies you see are from the genie executive branch, and they’re just carrying out the rules established by the genie legislative branch. And then the judicial branch would be constantly evaluating those rules, like the genie constitutionality of setting a wish limit or something…”
“What?”
“I mean what would the Genie Constitution even look like?”
“Uh, Chanyeol.”
“Then it could be like South Korea and there could be both a Genie president selected by the people…oh wait they’re not people, I guess the lay genie population. And then there could be like a Genie Prime Minster elected by the Genie parliament…and what would these elections even look like…”
“I think you’re forgetting something.”
“What am I forgetting?” Chanyeol looks at Kris, eyes wide in excitement.
“The fact that…genies aren’t real? And so…no one, specifically me, gives a shit?”
“I mean they could also do it Santa-style,” Chanyeol blatantly ignores Kris, “and have the wishes under independent review, and be all like” Chanyeol pulls out an imaginary list and pretends to squint at something in the middle. “Let’s see…Kris Wu…wants a sandwich. Oh, nope. That guy’s an unsympathetic bastard, not going to grant that one.”
“What did you call me?”
“A bast…er…nothing.”
“Good. I could have sworn you called me a bastard.”
“I mean I did,” Chanyeol blinks.
“What?”
“It’s…French…for genius.”
“No,” Kris glares at Chanyeol. “Génie is, I didn’t take seven years of the language for nothing.”
“Damn.”
Kris points to the door. “I think it’s time for you to get out.”
“No,” Chanyeol suddenly pleads, bringing his hands together. “Please, Baekhyun’s out there.”
“Good,” Kris walks over to the door and holds it open. “Then you can fix your own relationship problem. Or lack of relationship.”
“Noooo,” Chanyeol slinks off of his chair and onto the floor into a hopeless pile, loosely resembling a head-to-the-floor bow. “Sunbae, you need to bequeath me with your advice.”
“Uh…” Baekhyun’s voice floats through the doorway. “Am I interrupting something?”
And of course it would be during one of Chanyeol’s less-than-finer moments in life that Baekhyun would choose to walk into Kris’s office, and Chanyeol doesn’t even have the willpower to look up
“No, you’re not interrupting anything,” Chanyeol answers Baekhyun by muttering into the floor, before slowly getting up and brushing off his jeans. “Just getting acquainted with the carpet.”
“Oh…okay. Anyway, I’ve been trying to find you,” Baekhyun stands at Kris’s doorway, hand on frame. “You didn’t wait up, but I was going to tell you I was busy because we’re having a Sudden Attack gathering today at Jongdae’s house. I think Yixing, Luhan, Jongin and Sehun are on board, Junmyeon’s still thinking about it though and we can’t get a hold of Kyungsoo. But do you play? Because then you should come.”
“Yeah, I’ve played it before.”
And suddenly, just with the invitation, it’s like everything’s better. The sun’s just a little bit brighter, Chanyeol’s heart’s a little bit lighter, the weight of the world seems to have slid off his shoulders.
“Has he played it before,” Kris snorts and rolls his eyes. “There were some days in college where he wouldn’t even leave his room because of it.”
“Then 7:30 today, let’s do this,” Baekhyun bends down for a high five and a subsequent fist-bump. “Oh and you too Kris.”
“I don’t play,” Kris waves a hand in the air. “And I have a business meeting tonight.”
“Aw, okay,” Baekhyun nudges Chanyeol. “Hey, are you good?”
“I’m alright,” Chanyeol looks down at Baekhyun. “Are you? Like what are you ranked?”
“I’m a colonel, 6th class” Baekhyun puffs out his chest proudly. “What are you?”
“…a Commanding General.”
“…are you serious? Commanding general?” Baekhyun’s eyes grow wide. “That’s not being alright at Sudden Attack, it’s kind of being really amazing.”
“I guess,” Chanyeol shrugs, trying to hide his smile in an attempt to look humble. But his heart’s swelling with a significant amount of pride, and he’s having trouble biting back his growing grin. “I mean it’s just the amount of time I spent on it.”
“Still, commanding general?” Baekhyun rakes a hand through his hair and laughs. “This modesty is nice and all but if you keep going, it’s like slighting me. I have half as many experience points as you do.”
“Oops. I didn’t mean it in that way!”
“You’re on my team for sure then, game buddies for life,” Baekhyun punches Chanyeol’s arm again. “We’re going to win.”
“I hope so,” Chanyeol smiles dopily and somewhere in the background he hears Kris give an exasperated sigh. ”Yeah, buddies. For life.”
“Hey,” Baekhyun peers down the hall somewhere. “We should start practicing now in my office. You know, get ahead for tonight.”
“I’m right here you know,” Kris raises his finger admist a crossed pair of arms. “And I don’t condone your plans to slack off.”
“But I’m done with my work,” Baekhyun nods as Kris. “Are you Chanyeol?”
“Yeah.”
Kris looks at his watch for a moment before waving them off. “Fine, whatever, just get out of here, and let me do my work.”
“Heh,” Chanyeol begins to bound after Baekhyun as he leaves, halting just in front of to flash a grin and slap the paper clip pieces into Kris’s open hand. “Maybe my life doesn’t suck.”
“You’re hopeless.”
And truthfully, Chanyeol agreed. When it came to Baekhyun, he was completely, utterly hopeless, a slave to the roller coast of emotions of happy highs and depressed downs, and one day he would have to stop it because it was making him crazy, but for now-
“Whatever,” Chanyeol calls over his shoulder as he strides down the hall. “I’m a Commanding General. Remember that.”
“Uh…well…I’m like the fucking Commanding General of this office in real life, so…remember that” Kris pokes his head out the door, palm with paper clip open to the air. “And what the fuck am I supposed to do with these?”
~o~
| random antics I |
“Hey do you want to hear something that will ruin the rest of your day?” Sehun leans over the edge of Jongin’s cubicle.
“No not really,” Jongin sighs.
“You know the hand sanitizer dispensers at the entrance to our building?”
“I said no I didn’t want to hear it.”
“It’s like when you pump it-“
“No.”
“It’s ejaculating into your hand,” Sehun snickers. “Like a machine hand job.”
“Well,” Jongin stands up abruptly, swiftly unhooking his laptop and clutching a stack of papers in one hand. “I’m leaving.”
“Where are you going?”
“Away,” Jongin shakes his head, readjusting his laptop in his hand. “Just away. ”
~◙~
|| episode 8 ||