when you're a world within a world
I wish I can be more sociable, but most of the time I just end up feeling like a fraud. It's not like I pretend to like people, it's the act of me trying to communicate with others that I find so hard, and I wish it weren't so. People think I'm being dramatic but if only they could see it through my eyes...then they would understand that it's just the way I am. It's really hard to keep on pushing yourself to be part of a crowd when you'd much rather be somewhere else. It's not because you don't like them, either. It's just a matter of choosing between chocolates and strawberries -- you just can't picture yourself having strawberries at that precise moment, which is why you choose to have chocolate instead. And, if you realize that you keep on choosing chocolates over strawberries, it doesn't necessarily mean you hate strawberries now and forever, does it?
I feel most alive in my imagination, where everything can happen, where most things that don't exist in my real world live. I feel most alive when I close my bedroom door and I am all alone, and I am thinking whether I should sort out my personal budget or if I should start reading that new book I just borrowed or if I should tinker away in my desk drawers trying to find things to organize. Or maybe I should pour myself a lovely drink and trudge my way through the tangled wires of the Internet.
It never does occur to me that one of the choices could be "socialize with people around you".
Our lives unfold themselves like silent films...people don't see the reflection staring back at us in our bathroom mirrors. When we're alone in our bedrooms and we catch ourselves in "that moment", we cannot even begin to convey to our closest friends what and how we feel. Nobody really knows the real story except you, and these intangible emotions that we dwell in are usually the ones we wish to communicate the most.
So much of our existence is defined by everything tangible: where you live, the kind of alcohol you consume or not consume, your favourite color, books you've read, the TV advert that has caught your eye. Those are deemed essential for us to be able to express our individuality, and isn't that a big irony? Why can't we be known for who we really are -- the look that we give a loved one as soon as she starts walking away, biting our lips when we think of an embarassing moment -- trying to suppress a giggle when you remember what just happened the other day, the thoughts that run inside your head before you drift off to sleep?
We have all the time in the world to consume ourselves in everything tangible in an effort to communicate the intangible. It's a painful process that I'm still trying to learn.
I feel most alive in my imagination, where everything can happen, where most things that don't exist in my real world live. I feel most alive when I close my bedroom door and I am all alone, and I am thinking whether I should sort out my personal budget or if I should start reading that new book I just borrowed or if I should tinker away in my desk drawers trying to find things to organize. Or maybe I should pour myself a lovely drink and trudge my way through the tangled wires of the Internet.
It never does occur to me that one of the choices could be "socialize with people around you".
Our lives unfold themselves like silent films...people don't see the reflection staring back at us in our bathroom mirrors. When we're alone in our bedrooms and we catch ourselves in "that moment", we cannot even begin to convey to our closest friends what and how we feel. Nobody really knows the real story except you, and these intangible emotions that we dwell in are usually the ones we wish to communicate the most.
So much of our existence is defined by everything tangible: where you live, the kind of alcohol you consume or not consume, your favourite color, books you've read, the TV advert that has caught your eye. Those are deemed essential for us to be able to express our individuality, and isn't that a big irony? Why can't we be known for who we really are -- the look that we give a loved one as soon as she starts walking away, biting our lips when we think of an embarassing moment -- trying to suppress a giggle when you remember what just happened the other day, the thoughts that run inside your head before you drift off to sleep?
We have all the time in the world to consume ourselves in everything tangible in an effort to communicate the intangible. It's a painful process that I'm still trying to learn.