To leave there is no way.
"Summer was gone and the heat died down, and autumn reached for her golden crown. I looked behind as I heard a sigh - but this was the time of no reply. The sun went down and the crowd went home. I was left by the roadside all alone. I turned to speak as they went by - but this was the time of no reply. The trees on the hill had nothing to say; they would keep their dreams till another day. So they stood and thought and wondered why - for this was the time of no reply." - Nick Drake
You remember that one time you gave your sister a dixie cup with dandelions and leaves stuck into it?
She looked at you for a second, said "thaaanks" with her mouth half closed and then threw the cup away. You were sick over it - you'd spent at least three and a half minutes entertaining the idea of presenting your sister with a beautiful boquet of flowers she could keep on her desk next to the fish bowl. You imagined how impressed she'd be, the smile, the glow of appreciation and comraderie beaming around her face. She might even ask you to play with her sidewalk chalk with her and Nicole if you promised not to talk. All these self-rewarding thoughts running through your head as you weeded the backyard free of all its little yellow blossoms. You picked out the blue dixie cup, filled it with lukewarm water, and even added a sprig or two of clover for a fresh-from-the-greenhouse effect.
Then splat - garbage.
Hopes chucked out with a few damp backyard plants and a paper cup.
I've felt like that all day.
No matter what I try, I feel like it's just not what "they" want.
I don't know how to fix it.
I feel like Charlie, or Christopher - I'm tired of all the voices, all the eyes, all the looks. I want to cover up my ears, close my eyes, and fold myself up to the world.
I want to be alone.
I'm tired of all the questions. I don't know answers.
I don't know.
And I'm very tired.
And I miss home terribly. If I were home I'd drive into Seattle, park just down there next to the waterfront, and take a walk along the pier.
Everything seems strange - like today is a half-step sharp from all the rest of the days... and I keep craning my neck to get the pitch to even out but all I get is a sore neck.
I have to take a rather long Spanish test in a little more than an hour. I'm not confident.
I've just enough patience and optimism to last me through the month.
I'll be home soon.
Don't wait up.
"Time goes by from year to year and no one asks why I am standing here.
But I have my answer as I look to the sky - this is the time of no reply.
The time of no reply is calling me to stay
There`s no hello and no goodbye
To leave there is no way."