Losing Hope.
I have been very tired and distracted all day.
I have not been able to accomplish much.
Except for a brainless survey for Elang. It was rather repetitive and only required me to say things out loud and decide how I pronounce things.
Like "pen" or "pin"
If you don't hear the difference, then you are probably from Utah. And you talk funny.
I am trying very hard to read for my Brit Lit class...
I should be enjoying this... it is J Alfred Prufrock... by T.S. Elliot...
but I relate too much to him right now... I just want to cry every time I pick it up.
I'm very conflicted. I have had these strange ups and downs all day - emotional punches in the gut. I keep thinking about my grandpa and my dad and I get sick. Then I think about school and I calm down a bit. I want to just bury myself in reading - get knee-deep in the text, but I can't. I just can't focus.
Then there is this other bit that has been really confusing me all day. I feel almost anxious. I keep hoping that it will just go away if I ignore it, but it hasn't.
And that makes me so nervous.
And I won't talk to anyone about it because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being wrong and stupid. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but mostly afraid of change. I like life. I don't know why I should change right now.
I am so confused.
I want.... something. I don't know what. I'm starving but every time I go to eat I feel like puking. I have had two diet sodas, two hot mugs of tea, and two mugs of hot chocolate, and almost zero food. I am terribly hungry and cold, but I don't want to throw up.
This is all so strange.
And I just want it to go away.
But I don't know how to make it go.
I received a letter from Naomi today. It was so wonderful it made me cry. It was drawn and written with crayon. There was a rainbow, a sunset, and an island with a palm tree on it. She said, "Please write back!" On the corner.
I will definitely write back.
I miss home, but I know that going home would not make me feel better. It would be nice to be back with my family and friends, so I suppose in a lot of ways I would feel better... but this is not the sort of mood one runs away from successfully. It sticks. It hangs on your back and tucks its nails into your shoulders until it dies.
I want to go to sleep but I have two short stories and a short novel to read.
I am at Jessie's house. She came over to my house after orchestra. Orchestra was the best thing to happen to me all day. It calmed me down and I didn't want to leave, but we had sectionals today so it was only one hour instead of two.
But friends came over. Joel and Curt came by... Rachel was there, too. I had made cookies for everyone. From what they said, the cookies were delicious. I didn't eat any. I didn't feel good.
*******
I am back at my dorm. It is morning.
I finished Prufrock and some Criticism by Eliot. The ideas he presented in his paper were very complex, but I made it through. It was good for me. Thanks, Eliot. You are awesome. I love to read good criticism. It is good for my soul. Art and the creation of good art - emotion versus feeling - tradition and the individual - so many sensible ideas. I love well-rounded intellectuals.
I have finished one of my short stories. It is rather bad, I daresay I do not like it at all... but it will have to do.
I am feeling better this morning, but still tired and confused.
I hope everyone is doing ok today.