SPOILER ALERT: why miami vice is the greatest movie ever made...
first things first.
is there pastel in this movie?
kinda. once. it was an oxford, so i'm not sure if it counts.
hey, bait did wear a linen suit.
did they wear socks?
i didn't see any no-socks, so i'm guessing they had socks and were ashamed to show their socked ankles.
hmmm.
do i want to see this movie?
probably not.
would i want to see it with dezh?
OH FUCK YEAH.
i hope that this response to the kiddie kiddie pool party will also give you a great idea of what happens in this movie.
if i go to said roof party, can i run to "remote" corners and talk on my speakerphone with my equally undercover brotha to the miami dade police department which for some reason doesn't have david caruso anywhere near the offices or crime scenes and give my badge number over said speakerphone and have sex to audioslave songs unwillingly? but not at the same time.
opening scene.
i don't think any of this happens in order, but i don't care.
dom the dickhead from entourage takes some bitches into the v.i.p. room that was hooked up and bugged by joe the french horn player from six feet under/Seamus McIrish from charlie's angels: full throttle/bradley from the baxter/that guy i really wanna fuck but he's only got ONE FUCKING LINE in this shit. you don't even find out his character's name til the end of the flick.
meanwhile, sol star from deadwood/the janitor from that awesome episode of buffy is freaking out and i'm not sure why.
i think he's being chased by killers and they know he's an informant of some type.
is his girlfriend ok?
i don't think so.
that bitch might be dead.
so, he calls alexander for help, and this guy has to leave the club to RANDOM EXIT TO THE ROOF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLUB. i'm not sure why, but s.w.a.t. calls the police and gives his badge number. and who pops up right behind him? wanda from in living color. it's weird that no one followed him out to this secret hot spot. it makes me think that it is completely casual and within the realm of normalcy for a big black dude to fuck up some drug dealer/pimp's extremely wrestling sized bodyguards and just simply walk away without being removed from clubland or losing one's life.
what happens once collateral gets there? fucking hart's war puts his cellie on SPEAKERPHONE. i don't know if he noticed this, but they are currently undercover and are now on the SPEAKERPHONE WITH THE GODDAMN FUZZ.
forget about that now.
how do these kids want to stay really discreet?
having a high speed chase with sol star on the fucking highway/speedway/parkway/some fucking road i don't fucking drive. wait, wanna be more inconspicuous? why don't you make seamus mcmickey fly a policecopter 20 feet above sol star's car with a spotlight dead on it.
wasn't this all about not blowing their covers?
all i know is this, if these two guys had to have an undercover competition with tom hanson and douglas james penhall, they'd lose for style but win with not getting caught, because they never got caught regardless of how reckless they were.
but they'd never NEVER win my heart.
so anyway, apparently, michael mann spent all of the money on filming with some special hd film that's supposed to make it all grainy or some shit.
that shit looks like the mother fucking blair witch project or your grandma showin' her bloomers to a monkey on america's funniest home videos.
is that the rodney king beating?
no.
it's just miami vice.
hey, wanna piss everybody off?
why don't you have tons and tons of shots of people hiding in the dark and then jump cut to fucking fluorescent lights!
AWESOME IDEA.
i never thought i'd have such problems with stylized cinema, i usually love that shit.
maybe it's because i was in the fourth row and on the side.
btw.
i wrote this movie.
i was like, what are my favorite cliched dialogues? DONE.
sadly, i can't think of anything right now, but i did love the constant black white broing out.
luckily, i sat next to dave shor manwhore and we liked to show our true colors the entire time.
fave dave dezh moment.
[not-don-johnson begins to exit.]
brown bearded bad movie dude.: check your email.
dezh.: somebody's got a friend request!
dave.: no, no. he just left him a comment.
oh yeah, so i have no idea what audioslave sounds like anymore because it's shite and i refuse to believe it exists, except when i receive my newsletters about audioslave on fucking googlemaps...
but how about there are at least three sex scenes to two out of the three or four audioslave songs in the movie.
2006 chris cornell were you born to kill my hopes and dreams?
1992 chris cornell is going to flog you with his beauteous tendrils.
CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
um. oh yeah, this is the movie with bad accents.
bullseye is irish scottish southern british new yorkish bostish. basically, is there any kind of dialect of the english language? that's phone booth.
gong li? i know that english isn't your first language, but i can't fucking understand your english or spanish and i'm watching a movie and you're talking so i'd like for someone to remedy this or add some subtitles.
the big bad brown guys, where are you from latin america or russia? you're brown and bad and bearded, am i not supposed to care?
naomi harris/the tomorrow people/28 days later, are you a duck? latina? nigglet? why can't you pronounce your Rs?
stealth didn't have a bad accent, but his hairline was buggin me the fuck out. does it always look like that?
now, who the fuck is this lil blonde latina without the blonde latina dye job?
she leads me to my favorite thing about the movie.
[not like what goes on in phantom menace where there's no talking during the fighting, which i hated. no, i just didn't think was cool while everyone else did and scolded me for not jumping on the bandwagon.]
there's a lot of impatience in this movie. the minute someone starts talking, they get killed. vice squad just takes a shotgun to this guy's head, blows away, and then tells him to shut up.
there's no listening to the master plan, "just shut your fucking mouth. i don't got time for this shit. i got asians to save."
whatever, that hispanica chica fucking owned that shit.
if you saw her, and she has a gun and you're talking, you are kinda dead.
d-e-d. dead.
other favorite part of the movie.
you forget the plot and so does michael mann.
then he remembers at some point, but it doesn't help you one bit.
what the fuck is going on? who are these white people? speed boats?
i'm sorry. "go-fast" boats.
why are the undercovers getting into police cars if they're being followed? but yet... no one has noticed...
what happened to that guy? oh, they brought back the aryans! wait, are we even mad at them anymore? i'm way more pissed at the bearded dudes.
oh. and two words.
coke party.
that movie screams coke.
i don't think the movie's that grainy. i just think they were doing lines off of the lenses and no one bothered to wipe a finger.
speaking of drugs, i find it hard to believe that anyone can steal that amount of llello and H and not have colombian drug lords find their asses and give them a royal ripping.
AND, booty call has the best sex scene. only because everyone in the theater really appreciated every single second of it.
ok.
now it's time for my final thought.
when the zombie holocaust comes i want every single person from that movie on my team. like, no one, no one gets shot in the heart or the stomach, everyone gets shot in the head.
that's not true, but the strategic leg shots were hot.
i loved this movie.
it may be the best movie ever, but it is no alone in the dark [blog still pending...] and it will never be the chronicles of riddick.
but it is up there.
i may have to own it.
is there pastel in this movie?
kinda. once. it was an oxford, so i'm not sure if it counts.
hey, bait did wear a linen suit.
did they wear socks?
i didn't see any no-socks, so i'm guessing they had socks and were ashamed to show their socked ankles.
hmmm.
do i want to see this movie?
probably not.
would i want to see it with dezh?
OH FUCK YEAH.
i hope that this response to the kiddie kiddie pool party will also give you a great idea of what happens in this movie.
if i go to said roof party, can i run to "remote" corners and talk on my speakerphone with my equally undercover brotha to the miami dade police department which for some reason doesn't have david caruso anywhere near the offices or crime scenes and give my badge number over said speakerphone and have sex to audioslave songs unwillingly? but not at the same time.
opening scene.
i don't think any of this happens in order, but i don't care.
dom the dickhead from entourage takes some bitches into the v.i.p. room that was hooked up and bugged by joe the french horn player from six feet under/Seamus McIrish from charlie's angels: full throttle/bradley from the baxter/that guy i really wanna fuck but he's only got ONE FUCKING LINE in this shit. you don't even find out his character's name til the end of the flick.
meanwhile, sol star from deadwood/the janitor from that awesome episode of buffy is freaking out and i'm not sure why.
i think he's being chased by killers and they know he's an informant of some type.
is his girlfriend ok?
i don't think so.
that bitch might be dead.
so, he calls alexander for help, and this guy has to leave the club to RANDOM EXIT TO THE ROOF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLUB. i'm not sure why, but s.w.a.t. calls the police and gives his badge number. and who pops up right behind him? wanda from in living color. it's weird that no one followed him out to this secret hot spot. it makes me think that it is completely casual and within the realm of normalcy for a big black dude to fuck up some drug dealer/pimp's extremely wrestling sized bodyguards and just simply walk away without being removed from clubland or losing one's life.
what happens once collateral gets there? fucking hart's war puts his cellie on SPEAKERPHONE. i don't know if he noticed this, but they are currently undercover and are now on the SPEAKERPHONE WITH THE GODDAMN FUZZ.
forget about that now.
how do these kids want to stay really discreet?
having a high speed chase with sol star on the fucking highway/speedway/parkway/some fucking road i don't fucking drive. wait, wanna be more inconspicuous? why don't you make seamus mcmickey fly a policecopter 20 feet above sol star's car with a spotlight dead on it.
wasn't this all about not blowing their covers?
all i know is this, if these two guys had to have an undercover competition with tom hanson and douglas james penhall, they'd lose for style but win with not getting caught, because they never got caught regardless of how reckless they were.
but they'd never NEVER win my heart.
so anyway, apparently, michael mann spent all of the money on filming with some special hd film that's supposed to make it all grainy or some shit.
that shit looks like the mother fucking blair witch project or your grandma showin' her bloomers to a monkey on america's funniest home videos.
is that the rodney king beating?
no.
it's just miami vice.
hey, wanna piss everybody off?
why don't you have tons and tons of shots of people hiding in the dark and then jump cut to fucking fluorescent lights!
AWESOME IDEA.
i never thought i'd have such problems with stylized cinema, i usually love that shit.
maybe it's because i was in the fourth row and on the side.
btw.
i wrote this movie.
i was like, what are my favorite cliched dialogues? DONE.
sadly, i can't think of anything right now, but i did love the constant black white broing out.
luckily, i sat next to dave shor manwhore and we liked to show our true colors the entire time.
fave dave dezh moment.
[not-don-johnson begins to exit.]
brown bearded bad movie dude.: check your email.
dezh.: somebody's got a friend request!
dave.: no, no. he just left him a comment.
oh yeah, so i have no idea what audioslave sounds like anymore because it's shite and i refuse to believe it exists, except when i receive my newsletters about audioslave on fucking googlemaps...
but how about there are at least three sex scenes to two out of the three or four audioslave songs in the movie.
2006 chris cornell were you born to kill my hopes and dreams?
1992 chris cornell is going to flog you with his beauteous tendrils.
CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
um. oh yeah, this is the movie with bad accents.
bullseye is irish scottish southern british new yorkish bostish. basically, is there any kind of dialect of the english language? that's phone booth.
gong li? i know that english isn't your first language, but i can't fucking understand your english or spanish and i'm watching a movie and you're talking so i'd like for someone to remedy this or add some subtitles.
the big bad brown guys, where are you from latin america or russia? you're brown and bad and bearded, am i not supposed to care?
naomi harris/the tomorrow people/28 days later, are you a duck? latina? nigglet? why can't you pronounce your Rs?
stealth didn't have a bad accent, but his hairline was buggin me the fuck out. does it always look like that?
now, who the fuck is this lil blonde latina without the blonde latina dye job?
she leads me to my favorite thing about the movie.
[not like what goes on in phantom menace where there's no talking during the fighting, which i hated. no, i just didn't think was cool while everyone else did and scolded me for not jumping on the bandwagon.]
there's a lot of impatience in this movie. the minute someone starts talking, they get killed. vice squad just takes a shotgun to this guy's head, blows away, and then tells him to shut up.
there's no listening to the master plan, "just shut your fucking mouth. i don't got time for this shit. i got asians to save."
whatever, that hispanica chica fucking owned that shit.
if you saw her, and she has a gun and you're talking, you are kinda dead.
d-e-d. dead.
other favorite part of the movie.
you forget the plot and so does michael mann.
then he remembers at some point, but it doesn't help you one bit.
what the fuck is going on? who are these white people? speed boats?
i'm sorry. "go-fast" boats.
why are the undercovers getting into police cars if they're being followed? but yet... no one has noticed...
what happened to that guy? oh, they brought back the aryans! wait, are we even mad at them anymore? i'm way more pissed at the bearded dudes.
oh. and two words.
coke party.
that movie screams coke.
i don't think the movie's that grainy. i just think they were doing lines off of the lenses and no one bothered to wipe a finger.
speaking of drugs, i find it hard to believe that anyone can steal that amount of llello and H and not have colombian drug lords find their asses and give them a royal ripping.
AND, booty call has the best sex scene. only because everyone in the theater really appreciated every single second of it.
ok.
now it's time for my final thought.
when the zombie holocaust comes i want every single person from that movie on my team. like, no one, no one gets shot in the heart or the stomach, everyone gets shot in the head.
that's not true, but the strategic leg shots were hot.
i loved this movie.
it may be the best movie ever, but it is no alone in the dark [blog still pending...] and it will never be the chronicles of riddick.
but it is up there.
i may have to own it.