(no subject)
Interesting times, as Terry Pratchett would put it.
My grandparents are here with us for about a month after selling their family home in Sambavarvadagarai (try pronouncing it, it's quite fun). This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for two things: my mother's explaining to me exactly how the typical stereotype of bad-mother-in-law-poor-daughter-in-law applied to her, and the fact that my grandmother suffered a mild stroke just before the poonal on my birthday.
My mother and I were talking (surprisingly, without fighting) one day, and she began by telling me how spoiled she'd been as one of the three daughters in the family, and the middle one besides, to whom the work didn't fall (it went to her older sister, who's one of the sweetest people I know). She was married late, at about 24 or 25, because of horoscopical (yes, I just made that up) problems, and the in-laws, from what she said, seem to mainly have been impressed by her floor-length hair and her general prettiness. Here is a good time to note that my mother, while looking about thirty, has actually just completed her fiftieth birthday. If I have any of her genes, the same thing will hopefully happen to me. My grandma began "showing her true colours", my mum sniffed, after she got to Singapore (practically another universe, for my Tanjavore-Madras-Erode mum) with my dad. There are plenty of details, which I don't feel like saying, but I suddenly began understanding why my mum would feel so betrayed because of me - lately for the past few years, my grandma and I have been getting along very well. She seems to think I'm a good sort of granddaughter, so she and my grandpa have always been a bit fond of me, which no doubt pisses the hell out of my mother, and I don't blame her.
So when the grandparents were due to the house last evening for dinner, she spent the entire day cleaning, tidying up, making all sorts of podis for sambars and things, cooking other things, and generally giving herself pains in the back. She clanged things, dropped other things, and spoke too loudly to grandpa (who's rather hard of hearing), so I couldn't decide who the hell to feel worse for - me, who knew both sides, or mum, who didn't know what to do about her nervousness except to make large amounts of food so her mother-in-law wouldn't say she was trying to starve them.
The stroke thing was another issue. It's so tangible, months after the fact, that it sits around and turns the air around my grandmother bitter. It's not at all simple, seeing that a lot of my grandmother's bitterness comes from guilt, helplessness, and humiliation. What's worse is that it could have been so much more terrible - this was a simple stroke, which left her right hand weak and her walking a little impaired, which is nowhere near as bad as most strokes seem to be. And she still laments the fact that she can't do as much anymore. I told her that with age this sort of thing is obviously bound to happen, and that the stroke has sadly just sped it up a little, and soon she started crying into my shoulder, which nearly made me cry as well. I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to age, much less lose your independence at the age when you most want to assert it. I don't know what it must feel like, but neither do I know how to make them feel better.
About the only thing I can think of doing, and I'd really like to do this, is to write down what my grandparents can remember of their history. I hate the thought of all of that memory going to waste, without anyone to appreciate what it must have been like for my grandfather to cross oceans and come to Singapore as young as he did. And the best thing is, I don't think he's lost all of that will yet. He's painfully underweight, hard of hearing, and his voice isn't too clear, but his mind, I'm sure, is still sharp and wilful. It's just occurred to me that we'll probably never have the kind of adventures that our grandparents had, especially those who were pioneers to somewhere else, where every day of adjusting to a new world would've been an adventure in itself. It's probably easy to dismiss all this, because it's true that there's a generation gap, but somehow I can't do it, so I might as well write it down.
My grandmother is already scaring the crap out of me. According to her my cousin's in-laws, who are absolute angels, were rather impressed with me, "so we have to find you a husband good enough for you!" she cackled (I know that's the right word). I stuffed my fingers into my ears and said "I can't hear you, patti."
The topic came up yesterday when I was returning from the Central Library with S. It began as a joke, but I really hadn't realised how much our families, our Indian families, take marriage for granted. I figured out while talking to her that I had two options - to go along with it and marry some guy, or to end up not marrying, or marrying someone suitable for me but not with the Right Sort of Background, and cutting myself off from Indian society (the one will surely follow from the other). The problem is that I'm not that fussed about the latter - like I said, one of my major problems about marriage is the fact that I have to surround myself with so much culture, with so much ritual, that I really don't care that much about. But on the other hand I'd absolutely hate to disappoint anyone. I don't think it would be too much to say that they'd probably be devastated if I don't do things the right way. On the other hand, though, I think I've had about enough. I don't want to be tied down to one way of life, that's the long and short of it.
nzr ideas are evolving and mutating like Darwin's finches, mostly our Pres' ideas. I'm trying to think of something, but I'm still too involved in the Digital Logic (I haven't finished chapter 5 yet, argh) and Hindi (chapter 10, but it's getting hugely confusing, I need to talk to people) and of course my library books (Wyrd Sisters is not Pratchett's best, but it's hilarious enough at times). Mostly I think I help by trying to poke holes in his plans to spot the weak points. Another online meeting in an hour, but I'm already feeling sleepy...
My grandparents are here with us for about a month after selling their family home in Sambavarvadagarai (try pronouncing it, it's quite fun). This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for two things: my mother's explaining to me exactly how the typical stereotype of bad-mother-in-law-poor-daughter-in-law applied to her, and the fact that my grandmother suffered a mild stroke just before the poonal on my birthday.
My mother and I were talking (surprisingly, without fighting) one day, and she began by telling me how spoiled she'd been as one of the three daughters in the family, and the middle one besides, to whom the work didn't fall (it went to her older sister, who's one of the sweetest people I know). She was married late, at about 24 or 25, because of horoscopical (yes, I just made that up) problems, and the in-laws, from what she said, seem to mainly have been impressed by her floor-length hair and her general prettiness. Here is a good time to note that my mother, while looking about thirty, has actually just completed her fiftieth birthday. If I have any of her genes, the same thing will hopefully happen to me. My grandma began "showing her true colours", my mum sniffed, after she got to Singapore (practically another universe, for my Tanjavore-Madras-Erode mum) with my dad. There are plenty of details, which I don't feel like saying, but I suddenly began understanding why my mum would feel so betrayed because of me - lately for the past few years, my grandma and I have been getting along very well. She seems to think I'm a good sort of granddaughter, so she and my grandpa have always been a bit fond of me, which no doubt pisses the hell out of my mother, and I don't blame her.
So when the grandparents were due to the house last evening for dinner, she spent the entire day cleaning, tidying up, making all sorts of podis for sambars and things, cooking other things, and generally giving herself pains in the back. She clanged things, dropped other things, and spoke too loudly to grandpa (who's rather hard of hearing), so I couldn't decide who the hell to feel worse for - me, who knew both sides, or mum, who didn't know what to do about her nervousness except to make large amounts of food so her mother-in-law wouldn't say she was trying to starve them.
The stroke thing was another issue. It's so tangible, months after the fact, that it sits around and turns the air around my grandmother bitter. It's not at all simple, seeing that a lot of my grandmother's bitterness comes from guilt, helplessness, and humiliation. What's worse is that it could have been so much more terrible - this was a simple stroke, which left her right hand weak and her walking a little impaired, which is nowhere near as bad as most strokes seem to be. And she still laments the fact that she can't do as much anymore. I told her that with age this sort of thing is obviously bound to happen, and that the stroke has sadly just sped it up a little, and soon she started crying into my shoulder, which nearly made me cry as well. I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to age, much less lose your independence at the age when you most want to assert it. I don't know what it must feel like, but neither do I know how to make them feel better.
About the only thing I can think of doing, and I'd really like to do this, is to write down what my grandparents can remember of their history. I hate the thought of all of that memory going to waste, without anyone to appreciate what it must have been like for my grandfather to cross oceans and come to Singapore as young as he did. And the best thing is, I don't think he's lost all of that will yet. He's painfully underweight, hard of hearing, and his voice isn't too clear, but his mind, I'm sure, is still sharp and wilful. It's just occurred to me that we'll probably never have the kind of adventures that our grandparents had, especially those who were pioneers to somewhere else, where every day of adjusting to a new world would've been an adventure in itself. It's probably easy to dismiss all this, because it's true that there's a generation gap, but somehow I can't do it, so I might as well write it down.
My grandmother is already scaring the crap out of me. According to her my cousin's in-laws, who are absolute angels, were rather impressed with me, "so we have to find you a husband good enough for you!" she cackled (I know that's the right word). I stuffed my fingers into my ears and said "I can't hear you, patti."
The topic came up yesterday when I was returning from the Central Library with S. It began as a joke, but I really hadn't realised how much our families, our Indian families, take marriage for granted. I figured out while talking to her that I had two options - to go along with it and marry some guy, or to end up not marrying, or marrying someone suitable for me but not with the Right Sort of Background, and cutting myself off from Indian society (the one will surely follow from the other). The problem is that I'm not that fussed about the latter - like I said, one of my major problems about marriage is the fact that I have to surround myself with so much culture, with so much ritual, that I really don't care that much about. But on the other hand I'd absolutely hate to disappoint anyone. I don't think it would be too much to say that they'd probably be devastated if I don't do things the right way. On the other hand, though, I think I've had about enough. I don't want to be tied down to one way of life, that's the long and short of it.
nzr ideas are evolving and mutating like Darwin's finches, mostly our Pres' ideas. I'm trying to think of something, but I'm still too involved in the Digital Logic (I haven't finished chapter 5 yet, argh) and Hindi (chapter 10, but it's getting hugely confusing, I need to talk to people) and of course my library books (Wyrd Sisters is not Pratchett's best, but it's hilarious enough at times). Mostly I think I help by trying to poke holes in his plans to spot the weak points. Another online meeting in an hour, but I'm already feeling sleepy...