Sep 19, 2006 08:39
Its just one of those days. I feel like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. GAH! I got this feeling I had a dream about Billy because I woke up with his face on my mind. I just can’t remember what the dream was about. So I got dressed, all black for some reason, for the life of me I couldn’t find a colorful shirt to go with my black pants so I’m all black girl today. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep the day away.
Schools has been ok so far. I’m working my butt off and going to all of my classes and now I hardly see my family anymore. I miss them but I need the money if I want to do the international study program.
Depression has hit me again. Like a big hammer right between the eyes. I’m just not happy today. I’m doing a monologue in Acting class and it is about how I feel all the time. The girl is telling someone how she feels invisible when she talks to her friends, like she doesn’t exist or something. The story of my life. I look all happy on the outside but when I try to talk my friends talk over me and I just want to hit them. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like feeling violent but its like I have this well of rage in side of me that is overfilling, its so cold and it fills my skin. Sometimes it feels like hundreds of ants crawling over my body when I get mad.
I got to talk to Samoa and Matt last week and I was going to call them back but like an asshole I keep forgetting to call them until like the last second I remember at 11 or 12 at night. I guess that’s when I’m the loneliest. I miss having them live across town where I can visit them but there 11 hours away now. I want to watch little Marcus grow up and laugh at me when I play with him. I’m the hippest when I’m around them because I don’t have to act around them because Samoa knows when I’m putting up my happy act. I feel comfortable and loved around them because they don’t want anything from me and I don’t want anything from them but their friendship. So I’m making a point to call them as soon as I get home from work at 7:40 so damn my homework cuz I need to hear their voices again. I just hope they don’t think I’m a flake for not calling them last week.
I got to talk to Adam, Samoas’ brother, yesterday and he wants to call her too. I’ve been trying to get him to call her but he’s scared or something but he doesn’t want to loose his sister over Amber. I just can’t understand how a girl can come between a family. I would give anything to talk to my brother Billy again, even if he was going to marry some girl I didn’t like. We don’t know how long were going to live and he could get into a car crash and die before he and Samoa talked out their differences. I don’t want that to happen, or have them feel like they missed out.
Ok time for work now, Im the Reserve Slave girl.