(no subject)
Growing up is a pretty goddamn hard process. It's always been a joke to please others by not being yourself. And then suddenly, you do grow up. You move out, because you can't be the person you're expected to be anymore. You move out and you are damned if you do, because your family hates and loves you for it. By giving them the freedom they wanted since you were born, and by liberating yourself and figuring out what will equate to happiness, they will hate you, because you have ultimately abandoned them. How dare you. Nevermind the fact that the little sister sits at home and hates it when you leave because she's miserably lonely because she doesnt want to go make friends or take interest in anything outside the screen, or that your mother is overworking herself and overextending her time and energy because her boyfriend can't commit, so she's over at his apartment every night while you are supposed to stay home and take care of the miserable sibling while a responsible mother is away. Which is why you are damned if you do stay home. By making it easier for them to continue living miserably, you continue to live miserably, and don't help end the cycle.
I very well could be a terrible person who doesnt want to be part of a family. I went home the other day to clean my room, and talked to erick, who doesnt really have a thousand dollars to give me for the truck, and oh, by the way, "your mother decided to stay, just today" what, really? The vacillations between yes and no, the mood swings, the stresses and the complications that come packaged with trying to predict irrationality are so stressful. It's not my job to make your life easier. I can't make up for your mistakes. I'm sorry i was born, I'll try not to let it happen again.
I understand that shes worried about me. I understand that's why she calls. i don't understand why i can't talk to her. I don't understand why we can't connect the way we used to.
I feel so hurt. We both do. I don't know what snapped between us, but it snapped hard.
I'm not on drugs, mom. I promise you, yes, i do eat. I'm fine. I'm taking care of myself the only way i know how to. I deserve to be treated well, and deserve to be happy. Let me figure out how to be happy without you. I wont have you forever, and you wont have me. This lesson is already learned, and i'm sorry it cut you so deeply. But we obviously have trouble making each other happy, perhaps we should stop trying. What DOES she want me to be, exactly? She's so dissapointed with me, but i cant understand what her expectations were. What DID she expect? When she told me i had to be home "because she says so?" What did she expect i would do when she told me she "hated me so much?" No mother should ever say that to her children, and should expect that when she clenches down on a proverbial pile of sand in her palm, that the sand she is trying to hold tightly just slips through her fingers as the pressure she puts upon it increases. "Dissapointed in what i've become." JR says that's like having an assignment due the next day, but you dont understand what the assignment IS.
I'm not bedding a boy to stay at his place, either. None of this is conditional, and i don't owe him. But he makes me so happy. I feel so secure with him, and adore the fact that i dont have to come home and hate it. And i've noticed you've done a fine job of mowing the lawn and doing the dishes as well, mum. Trashbags all over the floor, dead and yellow lawn overgrown with weeds.
So, i guess mom and i make each other incredibly miserable. And we're not even trying. Or at least, i'm not trying to make her miserable. If i was, i'd have been tons more rebellious throughout these teenage years. But i respected her and feared her too much to yell at her. It was only after the 18th birthday that i felt i could start doing exactly what i wanted. Has it turned out badly? No. I'm not dead, not pregnant, i havent been raped or beaten, i've got a job, friends, and am going to school on a scholarship. I was on the honor roll. I was a sterling scholar. I was smart enough to pass ap tests, and never got into a car accident. I even went away for a summer to california unattended. I was fine. I came back, changed, but in one piece. I can handle this, and i don't see how moving out and living with my boyfriend has made me a bad person. I don't use people like "rungs on a ladder." If i did, you think i'd have gotten much farther, made much more headway, and be driving something along the lines of a mercedes or m3 by now. But i don't use people. Excuse me for trying to patch my life up and not yours. You of all people know what it's like to be working and not have much time for anything. I may not be working 60 hours per week, and maybe that's what makes me failure. I look tired, sound dead, am more serious. Excuse me undergoing a transition in life. Life can't change anymore? Don't tell me that compassionately.
I very well could be a terrible person who doesnt want to be part of a family. I went home the other day to clean my room, and talked to erick, who doesnt really have a thousand dollars to give me for the truck, and oh, by the way, "your mother decided to stay, just today" what, really? The vacillations between yes and no, the mood swings, the stresses and the complications that come packaged with trying to predict irrationality are so stressful. It's not my job to make your life easier. I can't make up for your mistakes. I'm sorry i was born, I'll try not to let it happen again.
I understand that shes worried about me. I understand that's why she calls. i don't understand why i can't talk to her. I don't understand why we can't connect the way we used to.
I feel so hurt. We both do. I don't know what snapped between us, but it snapped hard.
I'm not on drugs, mom. I promise you, yes, i do eat. I'm fine. I'm taking care of myself the only way i know how to. I deserve to be treated well, and deserve to be happy. Let me figure out how to be happy without you. I wont have you forever, and you wont have me. This lesson is already learned, and i'm sorry it cut you so deeply. But we obviously have trouble making each other happy, perhaps we should stop trying. What DOES she want me to be, exactly? She's so dissapointed with me, but i cant understand what her expectations were. What DID she expect? When she told me i had to be home "because she says so?" What did she expect i would do when she told me she "hated me so much?" No mother should ever say that to her children, and should expect that when she clenches down on a proverbial pile of sand in her palm, that the sand she is trying to hold tightly just slips through her fingers as the pressure she puts upon it increases. "Dissapointed in what i've become." JR says that's like having an assignment due the next day, but you dont understand what the assignment IS.
I'm not bedding a boy to stay at his place, either. None of this is conditional, and i don't owe him. But he makes me so happy. I feel so secure with him, and adore the fact that i dont have to come home and hate it. And i've noticed you've done a fine job of mowing the lawn and doing the dishes as well, mum. Trashbags all over the floor, dead and yellow lawn overgrown with weeds.
So, i guess mom and i make each other incredibly miserable. And we're not even trying. Or at least, i'm not trying to make her miserable. If i was, i'd have been tons more rebellious throughout these teenage years. But i respected her and feared her too much to yell at her. It was only after the 18th birthday that i felt i could start doing exactly what i wanted. Has it turned out badly? No. I'm not dead, not pregnant, i havent been raped or beaten, i've got a job, friends, and am going to school on a scholarship. I was on the honor roll. I was a sterling scholar. I was smart enough to pass ap tests, and never got into a car accident. I even went away for a summer to california unattended. I was fine. I came back, changed, but in one piece. I can handle this, and i don't see how moving out and living with my boyfriend has made me a bad person. I don't use people like "rungs on a ladder." If i did, you think i'd have gotten much farther, made much more headway, and be driving something along the lines of a mercedes or m3 by now. But i don't use people. Excuse me for trying to patch my life up and not yours. You of all people know what it's like to be working and not have much time for anything. I may not be working 60 hours per week, and maybe that's what makes me failure. I look tired, sound dead, am more serious. Excuse me undergoing a transition in life. Life can't change anymore? Don't tell me that compassionately.