Warmth Part 4
Title: Warmth Part 4
Pairing: Jason Todd/Dick Grayson
Rating: R
Warnings: references to rape, mature themes
Summary: If he didn't smile, he thought he might just fall apart under the pressure of it all...
Bruce had seen the tape…
Of course Bruce had seen the tape.
You didn’t leave a mysterious disk on the steps of Wayne Manor without expecting Bruce Wayne to try and find out what’s on it. Somewhere in his mind Dick was glad that the target audience was Bruce and not Batman, that their identities were still secret in that regard anyway.
Still, the thought of the man who is basically his father watching him get brutally raped by football players made Dick sick to his stomach.
He was borrowing Jason’s shower, letting the scalding heat of the water wash over his back, shivering as if cold despite the burning heat he’d set it to. The chill was inside him, he knew.
People talked about his warmth a lot. His bright and sunny personality, his warm smile. People were always impressed by his ability to act that way after all the tragedy in his life.
If he didn’t smile, he thought that he might just fall apart under the pressure of it all…
He couldn’t stand feeling cold. It was a terrible lonely feeling and he hated it with a vehement passion. He had been a performer, in a family of performers, in a circus. There had never not been people around. Even within the stately Wayne Manor, though Bruce had been less than good company, Alfred had always been there with a smile and something sweet to make Dick feel better. If he ever needed anything one of them was there. He was never alone.
Being alone was possibly his worst fear out of anything.
He’d been afraid he would be left alone after his parents’ death, and the grief had swallowed him up in darkness and cold. Bruce had been the warm ray of light that had pierced through, gave him a purpose again, made him live. He loved him for it. A deep familial love that he wasn’t sure Bruce even understood he felt for him. For all that Bruce would claim that he was no replacement for the family Dick had lost, and Dick would agree that nothing could replace his beloved mother and father, still Bruce had been something just as important, just as beloved and just as heartbreaking to lose.
He wondered sometimes if Jason was at all like him, or if they really were so different.
He hadn’t known much about Jason at first, except the jealous bitterness that came with knowing that he was his replacement. It wasn’t until after Jason had died that he’d put any real effort into learning about him, and what he’d learned had shocked him to the core.
The life that poor boy had lived… a violent and terrible life, a painful life. It hurt Dick’s tender heart just thinking about it. Maybe he was soft, he’d been accused of it before, but Jason’s experiences had hurt him and he’d wished that he could have connected with him while he was alive, make up for the time when he’d been too petty to get to know him.
This was his redemption, his second chance at getting to know the man that his ‘little brother’ had become. Maybe this was a strange way of going about expressing brotherly affection, but when had their family of misfits ever been normal?
Jason knocked on the door of the bathroom, “Oi, pretty boy, you drown in there or what?” he asked in a gruff tone.
Dick smiled a little. That was pure Jason. Back to insulting him after a night of amazing sex and a morning of unfortunate Batman contact. It was nice to know some things didn’t change.
“I’m alive, Jay-bird, don’t worry.” He called back, lifting his head up to properly soak himself in the water. “Come join me if you want to.” He added, just to see how Jason would react.
“Che, whatever.” Was the terse reply and Dick chuckled. Jason was delightfully predictable sometimes.
He washed himself up and got out of the shower, heading back out into Jason’s bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Jason was reclined on his bed, book in hand, reading quietly when he walked out. Dick blinked, looking surprised. He’d never pegged Jay as a reader. Sometimes he did surprise him…
//
Neither of them said anything when Dick stayed around for the rest of the day, lounging beside Jason on his bed and making lunch for them both when Jason said he was hungry. It was just grilled cheese sandwiches, since Jason didn’t have much, but Jay had still been amused by the other man playing housewife in his kitchen. They didn’t talk about Batman, or either of their rape experiences, it seemed like they just needed to be around each other. So they didn’t talk about it, they just stayed as they were.
They didn’t have sex again either. It wasn’t a part of the dynamic, not how things were right then. What they’d shared had been an intense experience and they’d probably both need a few days to recover from the emotional implications alone, let alone the physical.
Still, there was touching. Dick’s head resting on Jason’s shoulder, reading the pages of his book together in silence, only speaking when a page needed to be turned. There was Jason’s hand on Dick’s lower back as he cooked them dinner later on, watching him with a small smile on his face that was so close to being happy that it made Dick’s heart ache. There was the touch of their thighs when they sat together on the couch eating, talking about something inane and meaningless that neither of them remembered later.
To Jason, it was so strange, to have Dick here and to not want him to leave. He kept telling himself to get up and get the older man away, to go back to his solitude, to get away. But he just couldn’t. Dick felt so natural here, with him, next to him, he couldn’t bring himself to force him away. Not yet anyway.
Maybe this was part of what they’d shared. The pain out in the open and leaving nothing behind but this connection. Jason wasn’t sure how these things worked. The last person he’d felt really connected to had been Bruce, and that connection was well and thoroughly severed now, or at least he told himself it was. Seeing Bruce that morning… No not Bruce. Batman. Who was almost better than Bruce because Jason didn’t have any child like urge to curl against his chest and ask him to make all the pain go away. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts and looking over at Dick, who was looking tired again, dozing off in front of Jason’s TV with his empty plate on his lap.
Jay grabbed the plate, making Dick jump and look up at him.
“I’ll clean up.” Jason said with a shrug, collecting their dishes and heading for the kitchen. “You cooked.” He offered by way of explanation.
Dick nodded slowly, watching him go and glancing down at his lap. It was quite the revelation, to realize that the two of them had just spent the entire day together without a single fight or angry word, just basking in each other’s company like it was the most natural thing in the world… Maybe it was.
“Hey, are you staying the night again?” Jason called from the kitchen, a note of hesitation in his voice, like he was scared to ask. “It’s cool if you are. I just want to know.”
Dick looked blank for a moment, blinking slowly before a smile perked up at the corners of his lips.
“You got some pants I can borrow?”
//
Bruce glanced at the monitor, his cowl back and off of his face as he watched his two former Robins settle in for the night. Dick was wearing a pair of Jason’s shorts, and they were curling together on the bed. He wasn’t entirely sure what to think of it, if he was honest. True, they weren’t really related, and one of them was legally dead, and he didn’t have anything against homosexuality either it was just… It seemed like something he should be angry about.
But when had he ever seen Jason’s face so composed and peaceful, especially since he’d died? And Dick had been so shaken by the disk, and Bruce hadn’t known what to do. Dick’s words came back to him.
“You… you don’t understand, okay? You’re always in control, you don’t know what it’s like to suddenly feel… helpless.”
After seeing the tape Bruce could understand how Dick might have felt helpless. Pinned and struggling, completely unable to get away, crying out in pain and humiliation. The image of Dick’s face, contorted in sick agony was burned into his mind. God, he’d been so young too. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right.
Bruce rubbed a hand over his face, shaking his head slowly and feeling ill. How had he not stopped it? He was supposed to stop it. He’d failed Dick, and he hadn’t even known that he had. It was like Jason all over again, only instead of being late by a few seconds he was late by several years…
He looked up at the screen again. The boys were sleeping. His boys. His poor, lonely, abused sons. How could he possibly ever look either of them in the eye now? After failing them not only as Batman, but as their guardian, as their father.
It replayed in his mind again and again, holding his thoughts hostage. And for once he didn’t steel himself, didn’t exert the control. Those images were his punishment, after all. He’d see them because he had to condone somehow. Dick would undoubtedly paste a smile on again as he always did, and Jason would run and disappear as he was known to do, but Bruce would know that things had changed, he would know the pain behind their faces. It would haunt him forever.
He turned off the camera, turning away and starting to pull off the armor of the Batman uniform. Suddenly it was just too heavy for him to wear…
//
Dick knew he’d have to leave today. He couldn’t afford to ignore his life for another day. But Jason was warm against the front of him, breath on his neck, legs tangled together in the sheets. He didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to think of anything but the warmth next to him. He shivered a little and shifted closer, burying his face in Jason’s short hair and breathing out a shuddering breath.
Jason was awake, arm draped loosely over Dick’s waist. He felt the other man’s pain like an ache in his chest, looking down at that mussed, dark hair and pulling him in closer. Dick made a small noise, akin to a wounded animal, and Jason held him tighter.
“I’m sorry…” Dick murmured, shaking his head a little against Jason’s neck.
“Why are you apologizing?” he asked, frowning.
“I don’t know… I’m just sorry.”
Jason sighed a bit. “Me too.” He murmured, pressing a kiss to Dick’s shoulder, like Dick had done to him when he’d been hurt. Dick’s wounds weren’t as physical, sure, but he thought, hoped, that the gesture might work the same either way. Dick seemed to appreciate it, holding on to Jason’s back and breathing shakily.
“Do you want me to get rid of it for you?” Jason murmured, glancing at his door, where the disk would be waiting, still on his ratty coffee table.
Dick stiffened a little, seeming to think about the offer for a few tense minutes before he nodded carefully. “After I’m gone. Yes.” He murmured finally. “I don’t want to see it…”
Jason nodded, feeling a twinge of anger as he remembered Dick’s stricken face. Why had Bruce even brought it here after watching it? Why would he put Dick through that? And was it really just a coincidence that this disk magically pops up after all these years to traumatize his sensitive brother?
Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. But he knew that he was with Bruce on one thing, he was going to find out who sent it, preferably before the big man did, and do something entirely nasty to them.
He was imagining a faceless person’s demise with great pleasure when Dick pulled away from him. He looked at the older man as he went to retrieve his crumpled clothes, dressing quietly and setting Jason’s shorts at the foot of the bed. Jason sat up on the bed and watched him, feeling his chest tighten a bit.
“You goin’?” he said, like he couldn’t tell.
Dick nodded, finishing pulling his shirt on and walking over to Jason, the press of his lips was tender and soft, seeking comfort as much as it lent it. “You know where to find me, Jay.” He murmured, looking into his eyes with an earnest expression. “If you need me, I’ll be waiting.”
Jason knew what he meant and, whether he needed him or not, he’d be on Dick’s doorstep in a few short nights without fail.
Because Dick needed him.
He wouldn’t say it even if he had the words, so he just kissed him again and pushed him away. “Get your pretty ass out of here before I kick it.” He growled, his eyes revealing the smile his lips didn’t show.
Dick’s smile was stunning as usual and Jason stopped breathing.
“See you, Jay.” He murmured as he left. The click of the door was almost silent behind him.
Jason heard him go, sitting there for a while and staring at his knees petulantly. The last couple of days had left him a little lost, and he shook his head slowly. Dick flitted around the edge of his mind, his smile, his laugh, those eyes. He realized, somewhere in his mind, that this had been what Dick wanted. To turn his mind away from what had happened to him, give him something else, something pleasant, to replace those thoughts with. He’d be angry about it if it didn’t work so damn well…
//
When he went out to the living room and looked at the coffee table he scowled darkly at the disk laying on its surface. He should do as Dick asked and destroy it, he knew he should. But there was a sick curiousity growing in him, a demented desire to watch, to see and to, ultimately, understand.
That had been what their whole interaction had been about, hadn’t it? Understanding one another. He’d been trying to get in Dick’s head from the start, be like him, be Robin. Even after having long since lost any desire to walk at Batman’s side there was still the lingering remnants of what he’d learned. From Bruce, and also from Dick. After all, as the second Jason had always wanted to live up to the name of the first. He wanted to surpass him too, but that had been a childish want, a part of him that had already been hardened by the life he’d been forced to live.
His thoughts were nostalgic as he took the disk over to his laptop and slid it in. He’d watched footage of Dick, had watched his movements for hours upon hours, trying to replicate him. Even when he’d seen him as Nightwing he’d been enthralled simply by the way that he moved. Maybe it was that old desire to see him that made him want this, he wasn’t sure, but right now he knew that he had to watch it, had to see, had to get inside Dick’s head and know his pain.
As the video started up he felt his stomach clench sickly. He couldn’t have looked away even if he wanted to even as Dick’s face came into view, obviously dazed from being knocked out.
His face, god his face. His eyes focused on that and only that. The initial dazed expression, followed by the snap of Bat awareness, of sensing danger, then there was the narrow eyes, challenging, planning. But then the others came in and those eyes reflected the confusion, then the dull shock of disbelief, and finally pain.
He thought he could handle it, thought that he’d seen enough pain and horror out on the streets that this wouldn’t phase him. Instead it hit him like a punch in the gut, seeing Dick’s tormented face. He wanted to reach through the screen and make it all stop, to fight them away and pull Dick to his chest and just make it all go away.
It scared him, the strength of that desire.
But probably the most frightening thing was that these thoughts were not accompanied by rage, like he was used to. No, all he could feel was sadness, was hurt. He wanted to cry. He wouldn’t cry, he fought the tears but then he glanced at the screen again, and there were Dick’s amazing blue eyes, tears streaming down his face and Jason had to turn it off. He felt numb and terrible, the tears he’d been fighting trickling a few drops down his sculpted face.
He regretted this entire thing, he didn’t know why he’d felt like he had to do this.
He destroyed the disk with a vengeance Batman would have been proud of, leaving nothing behind to put back together again, nothing left to hurt Dick with. He had the sudden, powerful urge to go find Dick, wherever he was at this point, and pull him into a crushing hug. He resisted though, knowing that Dick would question it, would want to know why, and Jason didn’t feel like fessing up to watching.
Instead he poured that energy into cleaning his equipment, making sure everything was clean of blood, lubricated and prepared for use. It was an absorbing task, one that soothed his psyche and helped him tuck the emotions away. He didn’t need or want them right then. After a few hours of that he felt more like himself again, and was determined to go back to how things had been before, forget that all of this had happened.
The thought of Dick was like a stab in the chest and it stopped him short.
He couldn’t forget everything, no. Not when Dick still needed him…
He looked out at the street and wondered what his brother was up to now, if he was thinking about things, or if he was hiding everything away behind that pretty smile… Probably a bit of both. Dick would flash that smile to the world and then the moment people looked away his thoughts would turn inward. He’d always been better with this sort of thing than Jason.
He let himself think about Dick for a few more moments. Let himself imagine the smile, the eyes, before he pushed him away and turned from the window.
Tonight, he was in the mood to beat up some bad guys.
Feelings would wait ‘til later.
//
Pairing: Jason Todd/Dick Grayson
Rating: R
Warnings: references to rape, mature themes
Summary: If he didn't smile, he thought he might just fall apart under the pressure of it all...
Bruce had seen the tape…
Of course Bruce had seen the tape.
You didn’t leave a mysterious disk on the steps of Wayne Manor without expecting Bruce Wayne to try and find out what’s on it. Somewhere in his mind Dick was glad that the target audience was Bruce and not Batman, that their identities were still secret in that regard anyway.
Still, the thought of the man who is basically his father watching him get brutally raped by football players made Dick sick to his stomach.
He was borrowing Jason’s shower, letting the scalding heat of the water wash over his back, shivering as if cold despite the burning heat he’d set it to. The chill was inside him, he knew.
People talked about his warmth a lot. His bright and sunny personality, his warm smile. People were always impressed by his ability to act that way after all the tragedy in his life.
If he didn’t smile, he thought that he might just fall apart under the pressure of it all…
He couldn’t stand feeling cold. It was a terrible lonely feeling and he hated it with a vehement passion. He had been a performer, in a family of performers, in a circus. There had never not been people around. Even within the stately Wayne Manor, though Bruce had been less than good company, Alfred had always been there with a smile and something sweet to make Dick feel better. If he ever needed anything one of them was there. He was never alone.
Being alone was possibly his worst fear out of anything.
He’d been afraid he would be left alone after his parents’ death, and the grief had swallowed him up in darkness and cold. Bruce had been the warm ray of light that had pierced through, gave him a purpose again, made him live. He loved him for it. A deep familial love that he wasn’t sure Bruce even understood he felt for him. For all that Bruce would claim that he was no replacement for the family Dick had lost, and Dick would agree that nothing could replace his beloved mother and father, still Bruce had been something just as important, just as beloved and just as heartbreaking to lose.
He wondered sometimes if Jason was at all like him, or if they really were so different.
He hadn’t known much about Jason at first, except the jealous bitterness that came with knowing that he was his replacement. It wasn’t until after Jason had died that he’d put any real effort into learning about him, and what he’d learned had shocked him to the core.
The life that poor boy had lived… a violent and terrible life, a painful life. It hurt Dick’s tender heart just thinking about it. Maybe he was soft, he’d been accused of it before, but Jason’s experiences had hurt him and he’d wished that he could have connected with him while he was alive, make up for the time when he’d been too petty to get to know him.
This was his redemption, his second chance at getting to know the man that his ‘little brother’ had become. Maybe this was a strange way of going about expressing brotherly affection, but when had their family of misfits ever been normal?
Jason knocked on the door of the bathroom, “Oi, pretty boy, you drown in there or what?” he asked in a gruff tone.
Dick smiled a little. That was pure Jason. Back to insulting him after a night of amazing sex and a morning of unfortunate Batman contact. It was nice to know some things didn’t change.
“I’m alive, Jay-bird, don’t worry.” He called back, lifting his head up to properly soak himself in the water. “Come join me if you want to.” He added, just to see how Jason would react.
“Che, whatever.” Was the terse reply and Dick chuckled. Jason was delightfully predictable sometimes.
He washed himself up and got out of the shower, heading back out into Jason’s bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Jason was reclined on his bed, book in hand, reading quietly when he walked out. Dick blinked, looking surprised. He’d never pegged Jay as a reader. Sometimes he did surprise him…
//
Neither of them said anything when Dick stayed around for the rest of the day, lounging beside Jason on his bed and making lunch for them both when Jason said he was hungry. It was just grilled cheese sandwiches, since Jason didn’t have much, but Jay had still been amused by the other man playing housewife in his kitchen. They didn’t talk about Batman, or either of their rape experiences, it seemed like they just needed to be around each other. So they didn’t talk about it, they just stayed as they were.
They didn’t have sex again either. It wasn’t a part of the dynamic, not how things were right then. What they’d shared had been an intense experience and they’d probably both need a few days to recover from the emotional implications alone, let alone the physical.
Still, there was touching. Dick’s head resting on Jason’s shoulder, reading the pages of his book together in silence, only speaking when a page needed to be turned. There was Jason’s hand on Dick’s lower back as he cooked them dinner later on, watching him with a small smile on his face that was so close to being happy that it made Dick’s heart ache. There was the touch of their thighs when they sat together on the couch eating, talking about something inane and meaningless that neither of them remembered later.
To Jason, it was so strange, to have Dick here and to not want him to leave. He kept telling himself to get up and get the older man away, to go back to his solitude, to get away. But he just couldn’t. Dick felt so natural here, with him, next to him, he couldn’t bring himself to force him away. Not yet anyway.
Maybe this was part of what they’d shared. The pain out in the open and leaving nothing behind but this connection. Jason wasn’t sure how these things worked. The last person he’d felt really connected to had been Bruce, and that connection was well and thoroughly severed now, or at least he told himself it was. Seeing Bruce that morning… No not Bruce. Batman. Who was almost better than Bruce because Jason didn’t have any child like urge to curl against his chest and ask him to make all the pain go away. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts and looking over at Dick, who was looking tired again, dozing off in front of Jason’s TV with his empty plate on his lap.
Jay grabbed the plate, making Dick jump and look up at him.
“I’ll clean up.” Jason said with a shrug, collecting their dishes and heading for the kitchen. “You cooked.” He offered by way of explanation.
Dick nodded slowly, watching him go and glancing down at his lap. It was quite the revelation, to realize that the two of them had just spent the entire day together without a single fight or angry word, just basking in each other’s company like it was the most natural thing in the world… Maybe it was.
“Hey, are you staying the night again?” Jason called from the kitchen, a note of hesitation in his voice, like he was scared to ask. “It’s cool if you are. I just want to know.”
Dick looked blank for a moment, blinking slowly before a smile perked up at the corners of his lips.
“You got some pants I can borrow?”
//
Bruce glanced at the monitor, his cowl back and off of his face as he watched his two former Robins settle in for the night. Dick was wearing a pair of Jason’s shorts, and they were curling together on the bed. He wasn’t entirely sure what to think of it, if he was honest. True, they weren’t really related, and one of them was legally dead, and he didn’t have anything against homosexuality either it was just… It seemed like something he should be angry about.
But when had he ever seen Jason’s face so composed and peaceful, especially since he’d died? And Dick had been so shaken by the disk, and Bruce hadn’t known what to do. Dick’s words came back to him.
“You… you don’t understand, okay? You’re always in control, you don’t know what it’s like to suddenly feel… helpless.”
After seeing the tape Bruce could understand how Dick might have felt helpless. Pinned and struggling, completely unable to get away, crying out in pain and humiliation. The image of Dick’s face, contorted in sick agony was burned into his mind. God, he’d been so young too. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right.
Bruce rubbed a hand over his face, shaking his head slowly and feeling ill. How had he not stopped it? He was supposed to stop it. He’d failed Dick, and he hadn’t even known that he had. It was like Jason all over again, only instead of being late by a few seconds he was late by several years…
He looked up at the screen again. The boys were sleeping. His boys. His poor, lonely, abused sons. How could he possibly ever look either of them in the eye now? After failing them not only as Batman, but as their guardian, as their father.
It replayed in his mind again and again, holding his thoughts hostage. And for once he didn’t steel himself, didn’t exert the control. Those images were his punishment, after all. He’d see them because he had to condone somehow. Dick would undoubtedly paste a smile on again as he always did, and Jason would run and disappear as he was known to do, but Bruce would know that things had changed, he would know the pain behind their faces. It would haunt him forever.
He turned off the camera, turning away and starting to pull off the armor of the Batman uniform. Suddenly it was just too heavy for him to wear…
//
Dick knew he’d have to leave today. He couldn’t afford to ignore his life for another day. But Jason was warm against the front of him, breath on his neck, legs tangled together in the sheets. He didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to think of anything but the warmth next to him. He shivered a little and shifted closer, burying his face in Jason’s short hair and breathing out a shuddering breath.
Jason was awake, arm draped loosely over Dick’s waist. He felt the other man’s pain like an ache in his chest, looking down at that mussed, dark hair and pulling him in closer. Dick made a small noise, akin to a wounded animal, and Jason held him tighter.
“I’m sorry…” Dick murmured, shaking his head a little against Jason’s neck.
“Why are you apologizing?” he asked, frowning.
“I don’t know… I’m just sorry.”
Jason sighed a bit. “Me too.” He murmured, pressing a kiss to Dick’s shoulder, like Dick had done to him when he’d been hurt. Dick’s wounds weren’t as physical, sure, but he thought, hoped, that the gesture might work the same either way. Dick seemed to appreciate it, holding on to Jason’s back and breathing shakily.
“Do you want me to get rid of it for you?” Jason murmured, glancing at his door, where the disk would be waiting, still on his ratty coffee table.
Dick stiffened a little, seeming to think about the offer for a few tense minutes before he nodded carefully. “After I’m gone. Yes.” He murmured finally. “I don’t want to see it…”
Jason nodded, feeling a twinge of anger as he remembered Dick’s stricken face. Why had Bruce even brought it here after watching it? Why would he put Dick through that? And was it really just a coincidence that this disk magically pops up after all these years to traumatize his sensitive brother?
Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. But he knew that he was with Bruce on one thing, he was going to find out who sent it, preferably before the big man did, and do something entirely nasty to them.
He was imagining a faceless person’s demise with great pleasure when Dick pulled away from him. He looked at the older man as he went to retrieve his crumpled clothes, dressing quietly and setting Jason’s shorts at the foot of the bed. Jason sat up on the bed and watched him, feeling his chest tighten a bit.
“You goin’?” he said, like he couldn’t tell.
Dick nodded, finishing pulling his shirt on and walking over to Jason, the press of his lips was tender and soft, seeking comfort as much as it lent it. “You know where to find me, Jay.” He murmured, looking into his eyes with an earnest expression. “If you need me, I’ll be waiting.”
Jason knew what he meant and, whether he needed him or not, he’d be on Dick’s doorstep in a few short nights without fail.
Because Dick needed him.
He wouldn’t say it even if he had the words, so he just kissed him again and pushed him away. “Get your pretty ass out of here before I kick it.” He growled, his eyes revealing the smile his lips didn’t show.
Dick’s smile was stunning as usual and Jason stopped breathing.
“See you, Jay.” He murmured as he left. The click of the door was almost silent behind him.
Jason heard him go, sitting there for a while and staring at his knees petulantly. The last couple of days had left him a little lost, and he shook his head slowly. Dick flitted around the edge of his mind, his smile, his laugh, those eyes. He realized, somewhere in his mind, that this had been what Dick wanted. To turn his mind away from what had happened to him, give him something else, something pleasant, to replace those thoughts with. He’d be angry about it if it didn’t work so damn well…
//
When he went out to the living room and looked at the coffee table he scowled darkly at the disk laying on its surface. He should do as Dick asked and destroy it, he knew he should. But there was a sick curiousity growing in him, a demented desire to watch, to see and to, ultimately, understand.
That had been what their whole interaction had been about, hadn’t it? Understanding one another. He’d been trying to get in Dick’s head from the start, be like him, be Robin. Even after having long since lost any desire to walk at Batman’s side there was still the lingering remnants of what he’d learned. From Bruce, and also from Dick. After all, as the second Jason had always wanted to live up to the name of the first. He wanted to surpass him too, but that had been a childish want, a part of him that had already been hardened by the life he’d been forced to live.
His thoughts were nostalgic as he took the disk over to his laptop and slid it in. He’d watched footage of Dick, had watched his movements for hours upon hours, trying to replicate him. Even when he’d seen him as Nightwing he’d been enthralled simply by the way that he moved. Maybe it was that old desire to see him that made him want this, he wasn’t sure, but right now he knew that he had to watch it, had to see, had to get inside Dick’s head and know his pain.
As the video started up he felt his stomach clench sickly. He couldn’t have looked away even if he wanted to even as Dick’s face came into view, obviously dazed from being knocked out.
His face, god his face. His eyes focused on that and only that. The initial dazed expression, followed by the snap of Bat awareness, of sensing danger, then there was the narrow eyes, challenging, planning. But then the others came in and those eyes reflected the confusion, then the dull shock of disbelief, and finally pain.
He thought he could handle it, thought that he’d seen enough pain and horror out on the streets that this wouldn’t phase him. Instead it hit him like a punch in the gut, seeing Dick’s tormented face. He wanted to reach through the screen and make it all stop, to fight them away and pull Dick to his chest and just make it all go away.
It scared him, the strength of that desire.
But probably the most frightening thing was that these thoughts were not accompanied by rage, like he was used to. No, all he could feel was sadness, was hurt. He wanted to cry. He wouldn’t cry, he fought the tears but then he glanced at the screen again, and there were Dick’s amazing blue eyes, tears streaming down his face and Jason had to turn it off. He felt numb and terrible, the tears he’d been fighting trickling a few drops down his sculpted face.
He regretted this entire thing, he didn’t know why he’d felt like he had to do this.
He destroyed the disk with a vengeance Batman would have been proud of, leaving nothing behind to put back together again, nothing left to hurt Dick with. He had the sudden, powerful urge to go find Dick, wherever he was at this point, and pull him into a crushing hug. He resisted though, knowing that Dick would question it, would want to know why, and Jason didn’t feel like fessing up to watching.
Instead he poured that energy into cleaning his equipment, making sure everything was clean of blood, lubricated and prepared for use. It was an absorbing task, one that soothed his psyche and helped him tuck the emotions away. He didn’t need or want them right then. After a few hours of that he felt more like himself again, and was determined to go back to how things had been before, forget that all of this had happened.
The thought of Dick was like a stab in the chest and it stopped him short.
He couldn’t forget everything, no. Not when Dick still needed him…
He looked out at the street and wondered what his brother was up to now, if he was thinking about things, or if he was hiding everything away behind that pretty smile… Probably a bit of both. Dick would flash that smile to the world and then the moment people looked away his thoughts would turn inward. He’d always been better with this sort of thing than Jason.
He let himself think about Dick for a few more moments. Let himself imagine the smile, the eyes, before he pushed him away and turned from the window.
Tonight, he was in the mood to beat up some bad guys.
Feelings would wait ‘til later.
//