In the library at Csun
So...I was very tired and had nothing to do during the break between classes...
I went to the school's library (which is actually one of the better libraries among colleges)...and went into the study room, which I hadn't been.
It's in a little corner of one of the floors...quite nice actually
My relaxation in this room...lead to various thoughts about the day...life...etc.
and here they are:
1) For the first time ever...I thought of how I would like to move out of the house. I hadn't really felt the desire to do so. I like the calm that is in the house when everyone is gone. I can get my work done. Play fiddle to my heart's content. Bring the dog in to watch tv with. It isn't practical for me to move though. I would still be going to the same school...which is very close. I would have to get a job again earlier than I would like...and with my heavy school load...I would have no time to "live." I would like moving out now though. Perhaps if I had someone to do it with...
My father would have a fit about it...and I might be cut off in other ways from him instead of just proximity
2) I was thinking about a call I made to Kira. When we were talking on the phone. I mentioned that I was gradually NOT learning...the tunes she taught in lessons...and learning more from whatever I hear and want to play from wherever (which is good too..but should be in addition to)...and...she asked me...why go to lessons if I wouldn't be learning the tunes...and then I felt really poorly. She meant it as "start learning the tunes" as opposed to "Why don't you stop taking lessons?"...but I still felt poorly...she means so much to me...and I get so much from lessons with her that I hope she doesn't feel like I am not...or don't need/value it...
I'm sure she doesn't Think those things..but perhaps feels them when I say things stupidly like I do.
I think I shall try to learn all of the tunes I haven't learned that she had recorded for me in one week..and play them all for her..to make up for it...and then use that as a chance to bring up the conversation we had...and...explain what I meant...
3) I was thinking about some of my friends...and what they've said about me needing to challenge myself with more of a school than CSUN...or...that I'm really smart and should go to be a physician instead of a PT...but...they give me way too much credit. Honestly...I get by mostly through three things...all only related indirectly with what I consider "true intelligence." Memory, Work, and a category I call "Tricks." and..I don't mean any offense in what I exclude from what I consider real intelligence...that's a personal opinion...and that's all it is
So...I memorize a lot of information...but memorizing things isn't real intelligence...real intelligence is applying what is memorized. Work...One can get by working very hard...I think with enough time...anyone, regardless of intelligence could eventually understand a subject...but with each new topic comes the same process...which is lengthy and doesn't require general intelligence...just time and hard work...Tricks...are unique to myself and a few others. Sometimes if I think I can't handle a course with my intelligence alone (lack there-of)...I see what sort of way I can bypass the system.
examples:
At one point...a bunch of students were complaining to a professor about particular online assignments...and I had an issue with it too...but knew complaining to the professor in class like the others did...would do nothing (and was highly disrespectful to a professional...even if it was deserved)...so I sent a personal message to the professor...and gave educated reasons why the online assignments were not all that helpful...and in fact were detrimental. He then replied positively to my message. He said that I had made good points and that for next semester..he would have to seriously reconsider his method of assigning work (a format he had used for years previously). After I sent the message...he and I talked a bit...and he seemed to have a general respect for who I was and handled the situation. I think because of that..I got bumped up in the class half a grade or so...but I didn't do all that great in the class in general.
Another time...I had a physics course in which I did "ok"...I noticed that after a test...I would immediately know all the things I did wrong on the test...because once out of the classroom..I didn't have the anxiety of the time constraint..and test...so I presented to my professor one of the problems from a test I had taken the previous day...cleanly explained/drawn on a piece of paper. He then said...that even though the test was taken already...the fact that I figured it out after...showed that I was understanding the material (whether or not it be late...)...so he said if I figure it out again quickly after a test I can bring my notes to him...and he will take it into consideration. I never did so...but...that would be one of the types of ways I could use a 'trick' instead of intelligence. Actually...that was the only class I've felt proud of myself about...physics requires application...homework was only worth 10% of the final grade...I didn't do all that great on the individual tests...yet I got an A in the class...because I learned from my mistakes...and got a great grade on the final...which most do worse on than regular tests...
And a last example...In my AP English course in high school...I had the highest grade in the class second semester. I had a 102% My teacher described my grade to me...as being in "Class Valhalla"...(we were learning Norse mytholgoy at the time). I didn't feel good about it though. My writing was only "okay"...which is what really took intelligence in the class. I made a trebuchet for fun...but it got me extra credit...I loved the anglo-saxon and norse stuff...which got me extra credit on assignements...and 100 on everything...but that was all just working hard...not intelligence
oh..and a work example of getting by in the world...I worked at target...and one time..while no one was in the store...and there was nothing terribly important to be doing...I went over to the ps2 machine to see what demo games we were running...and picked up the controller for a bit (intending only to play for 2 minutes...no more)...No sooner had I done that...than my boss came over asking half-joking half-serious..."playing games are you?"...
I then think up of something very quickly...I notice as I look at the screen when she asks me...that the game I was playing was an older release...so...I quickly tell her...that I was checking to see if I could find the date of the demo disk on the menu...because I thought it was old and needed to be changed to the more recent games that we are selling now...
So...if she thought I was playing games...I got out of it that way. She took the bait :P
Same sorta "trickiness" skill I would try to pull off with grades in school...
4) Next thing I pondered was...about raising children. I don't know why I thought of it...but...I was thinking about what I decided previously as to how I would want to raise my children. you see...I have this idea of sorta...molding their minds to be a particular type of person...but...I'm racking my brain to try and see if that is ethical or not...I don't mean I would not let them be their own people..have their own interests..but children are most certainly influenced personality wise by their parents...so...why not do what I can with that for their sake...and our relationship...as father/daughter/son?
I would want a girl...and a boy. The girl first...the boy second.
The girl...I would more or less try to raise to be a very strong willed...able...intelligent girl...
The boy...a charming...respectful...honest...man
I would want both of them to play music...so I can start the musical family I have never had.
I think I would like the girl to be a bit reserved...and perhaps even "cold" seeming person upon first impression...but a sweet, caring girl in reality...
The boy...would be cool to be like the Count of Monte Cristo..haha..
Er...and...I would be a father who would love them dearly...
so..I hope that it's not too strange to raise a child specifically instead of generally
I'll probably change my mind over and over as the years go on
5) I was thinking about the respect I have for my father. If I had half of the know-how and integrity he does...I would be better for it. He has such inner strength to deal with whatever needs to be handled...and I regret that I am not a better son. Sometimes I don't know why people have children. They suck up resources and time...and can't really give back until they reach a certain age...and by then...they are out of the house living their own lives...to be forgotten and seen less often. I feel this way about myself in relation to him...
6) I was thinking about the fantasy vs. real world as far as relationships go. I used to be very attached (and to be honest...still am)...about some wonderful dreams I had about this mysterious...and other-worldly sorta woman who I would someday fall in love with...and things would be happily ever after. Then...after too many years had passed for it, I came to the realization that...such people...or such a way of things rarely exists...if it even does. I came to be depressed about it then...about how anything less than that would seem like "settling."...
but..then I realized that...there was a sorta "real world" equivalent...not the same mystery sorta person...but...just because that weren't true...didn't mean that there wasn't a type of relationship/person/reality...just as good...just in different ways.
This person came to me most likely from the books I read.
So...now...I find myself in the position having realized that some people have this way about them...that they live in this desire for a fantasy world too (speaking in general fantasy..not the love of their life fantasy like mine...)...and...from it...they sorta do get that unworldy air to them. So...i've been wondering how long I must wait to find one of these people with a mutual interest. I don't plan on rushing into things and getting married...even if I do find someone like this...but...I haven't been in any sorta relationship...and I just feel like I'm "behind" in experiences...
anyway..that's today's news..
I went to the school's library (which is actually one of the better libraries among colleges)...and went into the study room, which I hadn't been.
It's in a little corner of one of the floors...quite nice actually
My relaxation in this room...lead to various thoughts about the day...life...etc.
and here they are:
1) For the first time ever...I thought of how I would like to move out of the house. I hadn't really felt the desire to do so. I like the calm that is in the house when everyone is gone. I can get my work done. Play fiddle to my heart's content. Bring the dog in to watch tv with. It isn't practical for me to move though. I would still be going to the same school...which is very close. I would have to get a job again earlier than I would like...and with my heavy school load...I would have no time to "live." I would like moving out now though. Perhaps if I had someone to do it with...
My father would have a fit about it...and I might be cut off in other ways from him instead of just proximity
2) I was thinking about a call I made to Kira. When we were talking on the phone. I mentioned that I was gradually NOT learning...the tunes she taught in lessons...and learning more from whatever I hear and want to play from wherever (which is good too..but should be in addition to)...and...she asked me...why go to lessons if I wouldn't be learning the tunes...and then I felt really poorly. She meant it as "start learning the tunes" as opposed to "Why don't you stop taking lessons?"...but I still felt poorly...she means so much to me...and I get so much from lessons with her that I hope she doesn't feel like I am not...or don't need/value it...
I'm sure she doesn't Think those things..but perhaps feels them when I say things stupidly like I do.
I think I shall try to learn all of the tunes I haven't learned that she had recorded for me in one week..and play them all for her..to make up for it...and then use that as a chance to bring up the conversation we had...and...explain what I meant...
3) I was thinking about some of my friends...and what they've said about me needing to challenge myself with more of a school than CSUN...or...that I'm really smart and should go to be a physician instead of a PT...but...they give me way too much credit. Honestly...I get by mostly through three things...all only related indirectly with what I consider "true intelligence." Memory, Work, and a category I call "Tricks." and..I don't mean any offense in what I exclude from what I consider real intelligence...that's a personal opinion...and that's all it is
So...I memorize a lot of information...but memorizing things isn't real intelligence...real intelligence is applying what is memorized. Work...One can get by working very hard...I think with enough time...anyone, regardless of intelligence could eventually understand a subject...but with each new topic comes the same process...which is lengthy and doesn't require general intelligence...just time and hard work...Tricks...are unique to myself and a few others. Sometimes if I think I can't handle a course with my intelligence alone (lack there-of)...I see what sort of way I can bypass the system.
examples:
At one point...a bunch of students were complaining to a professor about particular online assignments...and I had an issue with it too...but knew complaining to the professor in class like the others did...would do nothing (and was highly disrespectful to a professional...even if it was deserved)...so I sent a personal message to the professor...and gave educated reasons why the online assignments were not all that helpful...and in fact were detrimental. He then replied positively to my message. He said that I had made good points and that for next semester..he would have to seriously reconsider his method of assigning work (a format he had used for years previously). After I sent the message...he and I talked a bit...and he seemed to have a general respect for who I was and handled the situation. I think because of that..I got bumped up in the class half a grade or so...but I didn't do all that great in the class in general.
Another time...I had a physics course in which I did "ok"...I noticed that after a test...I would immediately know all the things I did wrong on the test...because once out of the classroom..I didn't have the anxiety of the time constraint..and test...so I presented to my professor one of the problems from a test I had taken the previous day...cleanly explained/drawn on a piece of paper. He then said...that even though the test was taken already...the fact that I figured it out after...showed that I was understanding the material (whether or not it be late...)...so he said if I figure it out again quickly after a test I can bring my notes to him...and he will take it into consideration. I never did so...but...that would be one of the types of ways I could use a 'trick' instead of intelligence. Actually...that was the only class I've felt proud of myself about...physics requires application...homework was only worth 10% of the final grade...I didn't do all that great on the individual tests...yet I got an A in the class...because I learned from my mistakes...and got a great grade on the final...which most do worse on than regular tests...
And a last example...In my AP English course in high school...I had the highest grade in the class second semester. I had a 102% My teacher described my grade to me...as being in "Class Valhalla"...(we were learning Norse mytholgoy at the time). I didn't feel good about it though. My writing was only "okay"...which is what really took intelligence in the class. I made a trebuchet for fun...but it got me extra credit...I loved the anglo-saxon and norse stuff...which got me extra credit on assignements...and 100 on everything...but that was all just working hard...not intelligence
oh..and a work example of getting by in the world...I worked at target...and one time..while no one was in the store...and there was nothing terribly important to be doing...I went over to the ps2 machine to see what demo games we were running...and picked up the controller for a bit (intending only to play for 2 minutes...no more)...No sooner had I done that...than my boss came over asking half-joking half-serious..."playing games are you?"...
I then think up of something very quickly...I notice as I look at the screen when she asks me...that the game I was playing was an older release...so...I quickly tell her...that I was checking to see if I could find the date of the demo disk on the menu...because I thought it was old and needed to be changed to the more recent games that we are selling now...
So...if she thought I was playing games...I got out of it that way. She took the bait :P
Same sorta "trickiness" skill I would try to pull off with grades in school...
4) Next thing I pondered was...about raising children. I don't know why I thought of it...but...I was thinking about what I decided previously as to how I would want to raise my children. you see...I have this idea of sorta...molding their minds to be a particular type of person...but...I'm racking my brain to try and see if that is ethical or not...I don't mean I would not let them be their own people..have their own interests..but children are most certainly influenced personality wise by their parents...so...why not do what I can with that for their sake...and our relationship...as father/daughter/son?
I would want a girl...and a boy. The girl first...the boy second.
The girl...I would more or less try to raise to be a very strong willed...able...intelligent girl...
The boy...a charming...respectful...honest...man
I would want both of them to play music...so I can start the musical family I have never had.
I think I would like the girl to be a bit reserved...and perhaps even "cold" seeming person upon first impression...but a sweet, caring girl in reality...
The boy...would be cool to be like the Count of Monte Cristo..haha..
Er...and...I would be a father who would love them dearly...
so..I hope that it's not too strange to raise a child specifically instead of generally
I'll probably change my mind over and over as the years go on
5) I was thinking about the respect I have for my father. If I had half of the know-how and integrity he does...I would be better for it. He has such inner strength to deal with whatever needs to be handled...and I regret that I am not a better son. Sometimes I don't know why people have children. They suck up resources and time...and can't really give back until they reach a certain age...and by then...they are out of the house living their own lives...to be forgotten and seen less often. I feel this way about myself in relation to him...
6) I was thinking about the fantasy vs. real world as far as relationships go. I used to be very attached (and to be honest...still am)...about some wonderful dreams I had about this mysterious...and other-worldly sorta woman who I would someday fall in love with...and things would be happily ever after. Then...after too many years had passed for it, I came to the realization that...such people...or such a way of things rarely exists...if it even does. I came to be depressed about it then...about how anything less than that would seem like "settling."...
but..then I realized that...there was a sorta "real world" equivalent...not the same mystery sorta person...but...just because that weren't true...didn't mean that there wasn't a type of relationship/person/reality...just as good...just in different ways.
This person came to me most likely from the books I read.
So...now...I find myself in the position having realized that some people have this way about them...that they live in this desire for a fantasy world too (speaking in general fantasy..not the love of their life fantasy like mine...)...and...from it...they sorta do get that unworldy air to them. So...i've been wondering how long I must wait to find one of these people with a mutual interest. I don't plan on rushing into things and getting married...even if I do find someone like this...but...I haven't been in any sorta relationship...and I just feel like I'm "behind" in experiences...
anyway..that's today's news..