My Father died a week ago today....
a little after 4am.
He was an alcoholic and a very wonderful man. Alive it was hard for me to be around him. I'd see him maybe twice a year, .... I love him.
I've grieved a little. I cried when I walked in to see his body. Though he'd died four hours previously it was warmer than my hand. I cried after the other family members left.
When he said "I love you" I didn't really believe. When I made that choice, not to believe, life was simpler. Motivations and the weight of time hadn't confused the issue for me as it had for him. I suppose now life has confused and confounded enough for me to empathize, believe, and really understand love can be mixed up with a whole lot of crap and still be. Or maybe something magical happened in that room.
My dad is with me now. More present in death than he ever was in life. He's more present than most people have been. I can feel his love wrapped around me like a warm blanket. His thoughts and suggestions are there somehow, just below the level of conscious thought.
It is amazing and comforting beyond measure.
He was an alcoholic and a very wonderful man. Alive it was hard for me to be around him. I'd see him maybe twice a year, .... I love him.
I've grieved a little. I cried when I walked in to see his body. Though he'd died four hours previously it was warmer than my hand. I cried after the other family members left.
When he said "I love you" I didn't really believe. When I made that choice, not to believe, life was simpler. Motivations and the weight of time hadn't confused the issue for me as it had for him. I suppose now life has confused and confounded enough for me to empathize, believe, and really understand love can be mixed up with a whole lot of crap and still be. Or maybe something magical happened in that room.
My dad is with me now. More present in death than he ever was in life. He's more present than most people have been. I can feel his love wrapped around me like a warm blanket. His thoughts and suggestions are there somehow, just below the level of conscious thought.
It is amazing and comforting beyond measure.