I thought I was going to see Becky tonight
But I'm not. She has a meeting.
From some of my earlier posts you may know I've been struggling with loving her and wanting to explore, people, places, life. I've been very much in the process of becoming centered and self-realizing. Lots of freedom.
The track we were heading down was one of longer-term commitment. The life she wanted/wants didn't quite match up with what I'd been envisioning. I'd be loving her, wanting the relationship with her and feeling trapped at the same time. It was very difficult.
She likes plans, certainty. I was working on one. I wanted to minimize her discomfort. I intended to say, "Here's what's up. This is what I think we need to do about it." and go from there. But, she pushed before I'd sorted everything out, before I had a plan ready. It was a week ago Sunday. I avoid lying. There was crying. A 'time out' is happening while I do my sorting out. 'No Rules' or it wouldn't be a timeout.
I've seen her twice. 2 orbiting bodies, gravity. Both times I've come away changed. I've had a greater appreciation for her, and a stronger desire to have her in my life as partner. Tonight is an anniversary of sorts. An exception was to be made. She called it off, citing plans and ambivalence. That hurt.
It's hard to stay calm. It's hard to stay focused on the task at hand. We are both independent in our own way. I fear if we do not see each other we will instinctively grow apart to ease the pain (something I have been studiously NOT doing while I 'think').
From some of my earlier posts you may know I've been struggling with loving her and wanting to explore, people, places, life. I've been very much in the process of becoming centered and self-realizing. Lots of freedom.
The track we were heading down was one of longer-term commitment. The life she wanted/wants didn't quite match up with what I'd been envisioning. I'd be loving her, wanting the relationship with her and feeling trapped at the same time. It was very difficult.
She likes plans, certainty. I was working on one. I wanted to minimize her discomfort. I intended to say, "Here's what's up. This is what I think we need to do about it." and go from there. But, she pushed before I'd sorted everything out, before I had a plan ready. It was a week ago Sunday. I avoid lying. There was crying. A 'time out' is happening while I do my sorting out. 'No Rules' or it wouldn't be a timeout.
I've seen her twice. 2 orbiting bodies, gravity. Both times I've come away changed. I've had a greater appreciation for her, and a stronger desire to have her in my life as partner. Tonight is an anniversary of sorts. An exception was to be made. She called it off, citing plans and ambivalence. That hurt.
It's hard to stay calm. It's hard to stay focused on the task at hand. We are both independent in our own way. I fear if we do not see each other we will instinctively grow apart to ease the pain (something I have been studiously NOT doing while I 'think').