Lost and Found
I know it's been forever since I've been here, but it looks like it's been longer for you, so what difference does it make?
I've been searching again, as always, searching for where and who I belong with. Not such an easy thing to understand. Appearances can be deceiving and things that once looked so wonderful can deteriorate. Something that once was strong can crumble.
Maybe the truth is that I never had what I thought I did in the first place. Sure, there were warning signs, but part of being an adult is knowing what really matters and what does not. Was I willing to accept mediocrity for even the slightest modicum of comfort? I lost myself in my own disillusionment.
Old feelings have taken me back to places I know I shouldn't go, looking for Justin again, wishing things had been different. The broken friendship we had was not completely my fault, and what I thought I wanted at the time was never what was meant for me, but there was still so much more we could have had. As friends.
And that's what I think I need now more than anything else. I wish I still knew Justin, but in doing so I'm lying to myself that I'm okay. Longing for something so sweetly toxic is a sign that something is wrong. I know what it is, but I dare not even allow myself to think it. I don't want to, I do. Like a butterfly with a wasp sting, I'm terrified to hold onto something beautiful. But the truth of the matter is that it isn't perfect. It never will be. And what will I have after I lose it? Nothing. And I will have completely lost myself in the process.
For once, however, I know who I am and what I'm capable of.
"You know, for an apology, that sounded a lot like a breakup."
I've been searching again, as always, searching for where and who I belong with. Not such an easy thing to understand. Appearances can be deceiving and things that once looked so wonderful can deteriorate. Something that once was strong can crumble.
Maybe the truth is that I never had what I thought I did in the first place. Sure, there were warning signs, but part of being an adult is knowing what really matters and what does not. Was I willing to accept mediocrity for even the slightest modicum of comfort? I lost myself in my own disillusionment.
Old feelings have taken me back to places I know I shouldn't go, looking for Justin again, wishing things had been different. The broken friendship we had was not completely my fault, and what I thought I wanted at the time was never what was meant for me, but there was still so much more we could have had. As friends.
And that's what I think I need now more than anything else. I wish I still knew Justin, but in doing so I'm lying to myself that I'm okay. Longing for something so sweetly toxic is a sign that something is wrong. I know what it is, but I dare not even allow myself to think it. I don't want to, I do. Like a butterfly with a wasp sting, I'm terrified to hold onto something beautiful. But the truth of the matter is that it isn't perfect. It never will be. And what will I have after I lose it? Nothing. And I will have completely lost myself in the process.
For once, however, I know who I am and what I'm capable of.
"You know, for an apology, that sounded a lot like a breakup."