ADVENTURES WITH SNAKES. awesome.
Ok so one of the freakiest events of my life happened a few days ago (part of why I had such a shitty week):
So my neighbor, who is like a grandmother to me, had a stroke, and she was just released from the hospital. She has a vegetable garden that she normally tends to, but since she can't exactly move too well now, she asked me to go cut her some fucking cucumbers (BECAUSE ALL SHE CARES ABOUT ARE THESE GODDAMN CUCUMBERS WHICH ARE DISEASED AND YELLOW). So, being a nice neighbor, I venture into her overgrown jungle garden to pick her some fucking cucumbers.
I pick the cucumbers, and as I'm leaving and walking in the driveway, something AWESOME starts crawling up my leg:
This is my friend, the Eastern racer snake. Also known as a fucking COLUBER CONSTRICTOR. HELL YES. non-venomous (however, this is not known until much later), but is known to bite if cornered or attacked.
Ok so this fucking snake is just SLITHERING UP MY LEG and I'm screaming because I already have a snake phobia as is, and instead of dropping the fucking enormous cucumbers and running the opposite direction, I freeze there paralyzed for a few seconds until I turn my foot and kinda scrape it against the concrete to try to get the snake off. Genius, I know. FUCKING GENIUS.
So what happens is that I finally run off screaming and tell my mom what happened and I look down at my leg and it's BLEEDING. well, being the genius I am, I can't tell if it's bleeding because I scraped it against the concrete 309835095 times or because the fucking snake BIT ME. Also, since there are 9879874 types of snakes in shitty ass Texas, it was going to be nearly impossible to IDENTIFY WHICH TYPE OF SNAKE "BIT ME" before the venom (if it was venomous) paralyzes my nervous system or something.
ok so we finally determine that it's not a snake bite, but this is after 4 hours of hellish agony wondering what the fuck I was gonna do if it was.
And to top it all off, my dad was making horrible "jokes" afterwards by telling me that he's gonna buy me a PET MONGOOSE now because they eat cobras so maybe, just maybe, if I had my pet mongoose, it would have eaten the fucking snake and protected me. ok, it wasn't funny the first time, but after a little bit, it was like, "SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE MONGOOSE JOKE." wtf?!?!
yessssssss.
So my neighbor, who is like a grandmother to me, had a stroke, and she was just released from the hospital. She has a vegetable garden that she normally tends to, but since she can't exactly move too well now, she asked me to go cut her some fucking cucumbers (BECAUSE ALL SHE CARES ABOUT ARE THESE GODDAMN CUCUMBERS WHICH ARE DISEASED AND YELLOW). So, being a nice neighbor, I venture into her overgrown jungle garden to pick her some fucking cucumbers.
I pick the cucumbers, and as I'm leaving and walking in the driveway, something AWESOME starts crawling up my leg:
This is my friend, the Eastern racer snake. Also known as a fucking COLUBER CONSTRICTOR. HELL YES. non-venomous (however, this is not known until much later), but is known to bite if cornered or attacked.
Ok so this fucking snake is just SLITHERING UP MY LEG and I'm screaming because I already have a snake phobia as is, and instead of dropping the fucking enormous cucumbers and running the opposite direction, I freeze there paralyzed for a few seconds until I turn my foot and kinda scrape it against the concrete to try to get the snake off. Genius, I know. FUCKING GENIUS.
So what happens is that I finally run off screaming and tell my mom what happened and I look down at my leg and it's BLEEDING. well, being the genius I am, I can't tell if it's bleeding because I scraped it against the concrete 309835095 times or because the fucking snake BIT ME. Also, since there are 9879874 types of snakes in shitty ass Texas, it was going to be nearly impossible to IDENTIFY WHICH TYPE OF SNAKE "BIT ME" before the venom (if it was venomous) paralyzes my nervous system or something.
ok so we finally determine that it's not a snake bite, but this is after 4 hours of hellish agony wondering what the fuck I was gonna do if it was.
And to top it all off, my dad was making horrible "jokes" afterwards by telling me that he's gonna buy me a PET MONGOOSE now because they eat cobras so maybe, just maybe, if I had my pet mongoose, it would have eaten the fucking snake and protected me. ok, it wasn't funny the first time, but after a little bit, it was like, "SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THE MONGOOSE JOKE." wtf?!?!
yessssssss.