thoughtful
currently I'm pondering if I should be locking the following entries, and I've decided that I will lock selective one, and I'll figure out a way later to allow only select people to access them. But in the intrum, I guess I'll stay will my thoughts, mainly on my emotional state, as not actually there as it currently is.
Last night I dug out my old friend 'purple bear' and snuggled with my beloved stuffed animal last night and made some very hard decisions. The most important one is that for now, that my emotions matter little. Life has placed me at several cross roads, and the only real way to survive is to let go of my emotions, love, hate, anger, fear....so I'm doing my best to burry them away, to rationalize them away, the way I used to when I was going up with my mother, and I had to deal with life, others issues and my own had to take a back seat to life. Again, I find that the only way that I have a chance to keep even part of my sanity at this point is to offer up something else of me as the lamb for the slaughter.
Not the best choice, but any way I slice it, that choice is the best shot I have. I have to let lots of things go...Mike's telling me to pass the torch on the game because he's becomming jaded with it, and doesn't want to run anymore. And if he's not running, I can't run because inevitably, he'll have to help out again and he needs a break. not mind you that he never actually told me that I HAD to, just made it very very certain that he didn't want to run anymore and logically walked me though why me passing the torch was so nessessary. But he made sure to tall me that in the end, it was my decision.
So much for what I want, right?
I suppose that should hurt, but it really doesn't. At this point all I feel is a small sense of loss, like the one that you feel when you find out that you can't go to a movie that you've been looking forward to. I suppose that it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't always feel like I was going something up for him, while he didn't in return. Now I know that if he were to read this that he'd be very quick to tell me that the last statement wasn't true. And perhaps he's right, perhpas I'm over reacting.
or I'm not.
Not that it really matters. Right now I'm lucky enough to be having a moment of lucidity, able to think without feeling like I'm walking though quicksand in my head. I know enough that he's using psychology tricks on me to make me "better." I dont' think however that he quite realizes how fragile I was when he began. I can tell you that he's started the next phaze of things, thikning that I'm out of the danger area with the depression, telling me that he's cranky because of work, and that'd it really help if I just humored him and argeed with him when he said something, even if it was really off the wall. That it'd help keep him happy. All the while, being cuddly with me, kissy and lovey.
Now I know that I've grown paranoid as of late. (And I know for those of you who know some of the extent of which are saying that's an understatment but, go with it) but you know thta I'm generally pretty good with seeing what's paranoia and what's genuine concern, and this is out right worried. Now if I didn't already know that he'd been using (by his own admittance) psychology tricks on my one friend to help him adjust to life outside the 'box' I wouldn't have come to this line of reasoning.
So now you see where the choice is. Stay and let myself be molded into his idea of an ideal mate, or leave into the unknown. Stay and be taken care of and loved for something that I'm really not, or go to somewhere and not be loved at all AND have to (eventually) take care of myself, which I've never been able to do (WAY before Mike). Either way I'm kinda screwed.
So at least if I stay I'll be taken care of. I'll never have any of my dreams, or anything I've ever wanted, but I've long since given up on those things. I realize that this is a type of emotional susicide, but I see little other alternative beyond the real thing.
Yes, I have ppl that would take me in for a short time, but much like a child with special needs, that whole thing grows old quickly. I know that I've lost parts of me already, I don't want to lose more for the next time around. I'm just currently hoping that the Gods be merciful and I don't have a next time around, that I'm given sweet oblivion even if it's out of pitty.
So while I have some of my own mind left, I figured that'd I'd take the time to record some of the things that I'd wanted to say to ppl and can't. Tke the time to record some of my thoughts, theories.
Last night I dug out my old friend 'purple bear' and snuggled with my beloved stuffed animal last night and made some very hard decisions. The most important one is that for now, that my emotions matter little. Life has placed me at several cross roads, and the only real way to survive is to let go of my emotions, love, hate, anger, fear....so I'm doing my best to burry them away, to rationalize them away, the way I used to when I was going up with my mother, and I had to deal with life, others issues and my own had to take a back seat to life. Again, I find that the only way that I have a chance to keep even part of my sanity at this point is to offer up something else of me as the lamb for the slaughter.
Not the best choice, but any way I slice it, that choice is the best shot I have. I have to let lots of things go...Mike's telling me to pass the torch on the game because he's becomming jaded with it, and doesn't want to run anymore. And if he's not running, I can't run because inevitably, he'll have to help out again and he needs a break. not mind you that he never actually told me that I HAD to, just made it very very certain that he didn't want to run anymore and logically walked me though why me passing the torch was so nessessary. But he made sure to tall me that in the end, it was my decision.
So much for what I want, right?
I suppose that should hurt, but it really doesn't. At this point all I feel is a small sense of loss, like the one that you feel when you find out that you can't go to a movie that you've been looking forward to. I suppose that it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't always feel like I was going something up for him, while he didn't in return. Now I know that if he were to read this that he'd be very quick to tell me that the last statement wasn't true. And perhaps he's right, perhpas I'm over reacting.
or I'm not.
Not that it really matters. Right now I'm lucky enough to be having a moment of lucidity, able to think without feeling like I'm walking though quicksand in my head. I know enough that he's using psychology tricks on me to make me "better." I dont' think however that he quite realizes how fragile I was when he began. I can tell you that he's started the next phaze of things, thikning that I'm out of the danger area with the depression, telling me that he's cranky because of work, and that'd it really help if I just humored him and argeed with him when he said something, even if it was really off the wall. That it'd help keep him happy. All the while, being cuddly with me, kissy and lovey.
Now I know that I've grown paranoid as of late. (And I know for those of you who know some of the extent of which are saying that's an understatment but, go with it) but you know thta I'm generally pretty good with seeing what's paranoia and what's genuine concern, and this is out right worried. Now if I didn't already know that he'd been using (by his own admittance) psychology tricks on my one friend to help him adjust to life outside the 'box' I wouldn't have come to this line of reasoning.
So now you see where the choice is. Stay and let myself be molded into his idea of an ideal mate, or leave into the unknown. Stay and be taken care of and loved for something that I'm really not, or go to somewhere and not be loved at all AND have to (eventually) take care of myself, which I've never been able to do (WAY before Mike). Either way I'm kinda screwed.
So at least if I stay I'll be taken care of. I'll never have any of my dreams, or anything I've ever wanted, but I've long since given up on those things. I realize that this is a type of emotional susicide, but I see little other alternative beyond the real thing.
Yes, I have ppl that would take me in for a short time, but much like a child with special needs, that whole thing grows old quickly. I know that I've lost parts of me already, I don't want to lose more for the next time around. I'm just currently hoping that the Gods be merciful and I don't have a next time around, that I'm given sweet oblivion even if it's out of pitty.
So while I have some of my own mind left, I figured that'd I'd take the time to record some of the things that I'd wanted to say to ppl and can't. Tke the time to record some of my thoughts, theories.