Sping Merry Yulehannakwanzamassaturnalia
There it was the energy sink of the area. Soaking up
more watts than the sausage factory down the road.
That neighbor who lights up the neighborhood with more
candle power than incendiaries, during a night fight,
in a war zone.
Yes it is Yulehannukwanzasmassaturnalia.
I have no qualms with elves, gnomes or dragons. And I
don't need giant figurines to invoke a clownish
likeness of them. Santa Claus soaking up adoration
for Saint Nicholas, the Kringles, the wee folk of one
geographical veneration or the other.
However, when the care bears are covorting with a
Frosty the Snowman, erk, inck, splitz. done... Time
to sharpen some of my favorite tools.
To go unnoticed, I have to drive through the other end
of the sub-division and park down the road in the dark
behind the shrubs of a vacant lot 2 blocks away. The
frontal approach had too many cars, and the vegetation
has been cut down for a kill zone of 300 yards.
Perhaps the neighbors were afraid of their trees being
set on fire. I will avenge your lawsuit, and your
vegetations untimely demise. Try to get your children
to sleep with daylight 24 hours during the winter. It
just aint natural. Fortunately the neighbor behind
him had a line of Leland Cypress, excellent cover.
I slink behind the cadillac pick up truck. Okay now I
hate these folks. Who actually does work with a
cadillac pick up truck. Can't fool me. Gazeebo with
snow men, care bears, lighted dear. For christ sake
where is the baby Jesus! Another usurped being of the
season. These people will pay! First the cut off
switch, I pull breaker set in on the ground. Scamper
up to the outdoor jacuzzi stab it, letting the water
flow right down to the electric box. Putting it back
in will bring a big suprise. Even if the owner
doesn't ground it out, take advantage of the dark. My
trusty hunting Kukhra (knife, axe, slicer, all in
one, it is trusty and sharp) makes short work of the
blow up snow globes, santas and snowmen. The
Crossbow, took out the plastic dear, field and stream
would be proud. The electric dear and the carolers,
hackity hack and stabity stab, then back in front of
the gazebo to block their view. the horror horror,
axe kicks down on all the motorized machinations of
the macabre animated deer, santas. Decapitaing the
Santa with the motorized head was challenge, leaving
it bent to foil its motor was good. A good heave ho
into the jacuzzi... Ha ha ha it will ground one way or
another.. ha ha.. Silent. The plywood snow family all
get kicked in the mid section. The thrusting kick
gives me that satisfying crack, and another heave ho
ho ho into the jacuzzi in the gazebo.. perhaps a fire
if we are lucky.
The lights come on in the house. Odd now that the
place has been dark for all of 1 minute and 45
seconds. 15 seconds I run for cover and slinkback
into the dank dark suburban cover of nightfall. The
shrieks the howls,, damn dogs, giving me away.. I will
remember them.. there are markets for dog meat I
think, while I slip down yet another block. I sheath
my knife and slip into the car. I back out down
another block with the lights off, and turn for a long
drive.
The night is dark, the night is silent, oh holy night.
The dark keeps the birds and dogs silent, the babies
are asleep. The blue lights are flashing but not at
Kmart. There was a short power outage between 3 and 4
am, and power transformer replaced.
The paper reports vandalism is rampant at this time of
year. Apparently there were copykat slaying of
reindeer and plastic Santas, by word of mouth at the
time of reporting the first incident. At the time of
the putting the crossbar in, the water made its way to
the escalade, and oddly enough a string of lights made
it to the gas tank. The police reported shortly
there after.
The horror.... the horror ...
The pub where the fire fighters toss a few back, the
laughter, the laughter...
You can't have slaughter without laughter.
St. Patricks day, me thinks I'll have some lucky
charms.
Humor for Festivus for the rest of us.
--- In spired by my Friend --
--- From a Friend Meow meow Kitteh who wrote:
It WAS a most dreadful day for the Easter Bunny:
There I was minding my own business, in the
supermarket food shopping.
I turned the corner and there he was... standing at
the deli counter.
Certainly looking as heinous as he possibly could
with his white hairy body and
wearing a gods awful big red clown nose on his
bigger than life ghastly face!
Within a flash of a second, I had the impulse to
just charge head on with my half
filled grocery cart and crash into him, pushing him
back into the deli case
with such an act of force and catching him
completely off guard with this gesture
of destruction and mayhem!
In another split second: I decided to tap into
a compassionate side of
myself. At that moment this was extremely
difficult!!! So I decide to call a
dear friend for help on my cell and hit speed dial.
My friend answered and I
immediately stated that this was an S.O.S. call, she
informed me that she was at
a convention. I quickly told her about my impulse to
run over the Easter Bunny
in the supermarket.
She suggested that I stab him... So now isn't
this just great! Now I
have to go find the isle where they have the cheap
steak knives. OR... I could
knock him unconscious and just drag him back behind
the deli counter and feed
him into the meat grinder, What a MESS that would
make! So off I go looking for
the kitchen gadget isle and by the time I return, he
was gone!
My thought was... I lost my chance! I drearily
drag myself out towards
the registers to check out with the feeling that all
hope was lost, and there
he was again, at the service desk! Without any
hesitation, I just pushed four
grocery carts ahead of me directly into him it was
like a multiple auto
accident on the highway, or like someone driving out
of control with one of those
scooters running into objects and people with food
and debris flying everywhere!
Next thing I know there he was laying in the
floor... with his lifeless body
twisted into a pretzel. The deed was done, my day
was complete! My work here is
done now!
I can now leave and know that I have done my
job!!! This was my act of
service for today!
So tomorrow morning, when the Easter Bunny doesn't
show up for wherever he is
supposed to be on Easter Sunday. There are a few
people who will know what
really happened to him!
more watts than the sausage factory down the road.
That neighbor who lights up the neighborhood with more
candle power than incendiaries, during a night fight,
in a war zone.
Yes it is Yulehannukwanzasmassaturnalia.
I have no qualms with elves, gnomes or dragons. And I
don't need giant figurines to invoke a clownish
likeness of them. Santa Claus soaking up adoration
for Saint Nicholas, the Kringles, the wee folk of one
geographical veneration or the other.
However, when the care bears are covorting with a
Frosty the Snowman, erk, inck, splitz. done... Time
to sharpen some of my favorite tools.
To go unnoticed, I have to drive through the other end
of the sub-division and park down the road in the dark
behind the shrubs of a vacant lot 2 blocks away. The
frontal approach had too many cars, and the vegetation
has been cut down for a kill zone of 300 yards.
Perhaps the neighbors were afraid of their trees being
set on fire. I will avenge your lawsuit, and your
vegetations untimely demise. Try to get your children
to sleep with daylight 24 hours during the winter. It
just aint natural. Fortunately the neighbor behind
him had a line of Leland Cypress, excellent cover.
I slink behind the cadillac pick up truck. Okay now I
hate these folks. Who actually does work with a
cadillac pick up truck. Can't fool me. Gazeebo with
snow men, care bears, lighted dear. For christ sake
where is the baby Jesus! Another usurped being of the
season. These people will pay! First the cut off
switch, I pull breaker set in on the ground. Scamper
up to the outdoor jacuzzi stab it, letting the water
flow right down to the electric box. Putting it back
in will bring a big suprise. Even if the owner
doesn't ground it out, take advantage of the dark. My
trusty hunting Kukhra (knife, axe, slicer, all in
one, it is trusty and sharp) makes short work of the
blow up snow globes, santas and snowmen. The
Crossbow, took out the plastic dear, field and stream
would be proud. The electric dear and the carolers,
hackity hack and stabity stab, then back in front of
the gazebo to block their view. the horror horror,
axe kicks down on all the motorized machinations of
the macabre animated deer, santas. Decapitaing the
Santa with the motorized head was challenge, leaving
it bent to foil its motor was good. A good heave ho
into the jacuzzi... Ha ha ha it will ground one way or
another.. ha ha.. Silent. The plywood snow family all
get kicked in the mid section. The thrusting kick
gives me that satisfying crack, and another heave ho
ho ho into the jacuzzi in the gazebo.. perhaps a fire
if we are lucky.
The lights come on in the house. Odd now that the
place has been dark for all of 1 minute and 45
seconds. 15 seconds I run for cover and slinkback
into the dank dark suburban cover of nightfall. The
shrieks the howls,, damn dogs, giving me away.. I will
remember them.. there are markets for dog meat I
think, while I slip down yet another block. I sheath
my knife and slip into the car. I back out down
another block with the lights off, and turn for a long
drive.
The night is dark, the night is silent, oh holy night.
The dark keeps the birds and dogs silent, the babies
are asleep. The blue lights are flashing but not at
Kmart. There was a short power outage between 3 and 4
am, and power transformer replaced.
The paper reports vandalism is rampant at this time of
year. Apparently there were copykat slaying of
reindeer and plastic Santas, by word of mouth at the
time of reporting the first incident. At the time of
the putting the crossbar in, the water made its way to
the escalade, and oddly enough a string of lights made
it to the gas tank. The police reported shortly
there after.
The horror.... the horror ...
The pub where the fire fighters toss a few back, the
laughter, the laughter...
You can't have slaughter without laughter.
St. Patricks day, me thinks I'll have some lucky
charms.
Humor for Festivus for the rest of us.
--- In spired by my Friend --
--- From a Friend Meow meow Kitteh who wrote:
It WAS a most dreadful day for the Easter Bunny:
There I was minding my own business, in the
supermarket food shopping.
I turned the corner and there he was... standing at
the deli counter.
Certainly looking as heinous as he possibly could
with his white hairy body and
wearing a gods awful big red clown nose on his
bigger than life ghastly face!
Within a flash of a second, I had the impulse to
just charge head on with my half
filled grocery cart and crash into him, pushing him
back into the deli case
with such an act of force and catching him
completely off guard with this gesture
of destruction and mayhem!
In another split second: I decided to tap into
a compassionate side of
myself. At that moment this was extremely
difficult!!! So I decide to call a
dear friend for help on my cell and hit speed dial.
My friend answered and I
immediately stated that this was an S.O.S. call, she
informed me that she was at
a convention. I quickly told her about my impulse to
run over the Easter Bunny
in the supermarket.
She suggested that I stab him... So now isn't
this just great! Now I
have to go find the isle where they have the cheap
steak knives. OR... I could
knock him unconscious and just drag him back behind
the deli counter and feed
him into the meat grinder, What a MESS that would
make! So off I go looking for
the kitchen gadget isle and by the time I return, he
was gone!
My thought was... I lost my chance! I drearily
drag myself out towards
the registers to check out with the feeling that all
hope was lost, and there
he was again, at the service desk! Without any
hesitation, I just pushed four
grocery carts ahead of me directly into him it was
like a multiple auto
accident on the highway, or like someone driving out
of control with one of those
scooters running into objects and people with food
and debris flying everywhere!
Next thing I know there he was laying in the
floor... with his lifeless body
twisted into a pretzel. The deed was done, my day
was complete! My work here is
done now!
I can now leave and know that I have done my
job!!! This was my act of
service for today!
So tomorrow morning, when the Easter Bunny doesn't
show up for wherever he is
supposed to be on Easter Sunday. There are a few
people who will know what
really happened to him!