アンニュイ
When I stop to think about my life, I can see that I've done nothing right with it. Each time, I actually think of one or two things that I've done wrong with it. Then I forget about it again. Here's one that comes to mind at the moment. I don't have anyone with whom I can share my problems, so I just bottle them up inside and try to forget about them. This morning, it suddenly seems like I should have sometime in my life imposed myself on some of my friends to get to know them, and maybe if they were willing, tell them enough about myself that they might have some idea whom I am. Instead, I come to a time when I don't have any real friends, I can't remember the last time I've talked with someone, including a friend, without starting a fight, and the one person who is willing to carry on conversations with me through IM walks away in the middle of the conversation without telling me more than half the time. So I have to keep my problems to myself to avoid starting fights and getting fired, so I end up exploding in front of people more and more often. I know I should call my social worker when these sorts of things happen, but I'm uncomfortable doing that with a stranger, particularly considering all the times (don't remember how many, guess a couple of dozen) I've cheated her out of ~$100 or an hour of her time because I was lazy or didn't feel like it. I am fully aware that this is a very disjointed paragraph, and I have missed a lot of things that I've been thinking of typing in the last 45 minutes. If anyone wants to ask for clarification on any of this or talk about pretty much anything else, I appreciate it. I'll be binging here for the next couple of hours until my drugs kick in.