things people are no longer allowed to do in starfleet*

[archersangel]

inspired by skippy’s list of things i am no longer allowed to do in the u.s. army. like that list, everything here was something the writer did, something they saw happen (or heard of happening), something they were spontaneously informed they were not allowed to do, a clarification of one of the above things in the list, or were just minding their business when something happened.

1. Give the vulcan greeting with the palm facing away from the recipient.
2. Refer to bolians as blueberries.
3. Trade klingons prune juice for any spare parts, food, weapons, animal pelts, art, a targ (even if it is a prize-winning one), shuttlecrafts/starships, or clothing items.
4. Or trade for anything else.
5. Tell newly arrived ensigns that the ship made the kessel run in 12 parsecs.
6. Take a shuttlecraft out to pick up raktajino for the overnight bridge crew.
7. Sell taxidermied tribbles to tourists.
8. Suggest that officers of higher rank take shore leave on a class Y planet.
9. Respond to any order with “yes, boss!”
10. Say, suggest, hint or otherwise imply that the ghostbusters are the best way to “deal” with uncooperative non-corporeal life forms.
11. Give a box of extra large cotton swabs to any ferengi.
12. Shout “there can be only one!” before playing a match of anbo-jitsu.
13. Use a shuttlecraft as collateral while playing a dabo game.
14. Use a shuttlecraft as collateral for anything.
15. Throw taxidermied tribbles at anyone. No matter how much they “deserved it.”
16. Refer to romulans as discount vulcans.
17. The proper way to report to the shift commander is not “it wasn’t me.”
18. Play music or stand-up comedy routines over the ship’s coms because “patrolling the neutral zone is boring af.”
19. Tell the horta that rock gardens are a buffet.
20. Use the floor of a cargo bay & cargo containers to play a giant game of kadis-kot.
21. The proper answer in roll call is “here.” not “that’s my name, don’t wear it out.”
22. Ask ambassadors that board the ship for a “boarding tax” of a bottle of whatever liquor their planet is known for.
23. Also not any food, clothing, or jewelry their planet is known for.
24. Begin a question with “riddle me this.”
25. Keep a stash of snacks anywhere, except for their crew quarters.
26. Nap in the jefferies tubes.
27. Start a cult. No matter how much support there is for it.
28. Refer to starfleet, or the federation, as a cult.
29. Not authorized to declare war games on any ship, starbase or planetside base.
30. Including & especially not their own.
31. Refer to newly arrived ensigns as “the children.”
32. Write mission reports in any poetic form.
33. Especially in limericks.
34. Change it so the characters in popular holodeck programs speak pig-latin.
35. Use the replicators to create food or drink described as “unholy concoctions” & dare people to consume them.
36. Even if sickbay is alerted before doing so.

*tried to keep it limited to general trek (older stuff, not new), so there's no reference to characters or ships. Although certain species and things were not known to humans during the ENT era.