[Final Fantasy VIII] Ergo Sum
Title: Ergo Sum
Fandom: Final Fantasy VIII
Pairing: Squall/Rinoa, mentions of Seifer
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 731
Notes: Written for the 31_days theme "he isn't just something he's imagining."
Summary: Squall has an existential crisis in the middle of the night. Fortunately, Rinoa is good with those.
Rinoa woke up to a coldness beside her, empty air where Squall's lean frame should have been nestled. That was when she knew it was one of the bad nights. He would never have left her side, otherwise. The nights when she could sleep next to him, both of them temporarily free enough from their duties as politicians and leaders to be with each other, were rare enough that they both treasured them.
She found him on the balcony, sitting down just behind the railing. He had his knees drawn up to his chest and was hunched over them, his head ducked down in thought. It wasn't a good pose for him. She sat down next to him. He said nothing, but she watched that posture change: his head lifted a little, his shoulders relaxed.
In the silence, she waited. He'd talk when he was ready. If it took too long, she'd give him a gentle push. More than that shouldn't be needed.
Eventually, he said, "I was thinking."
"Uh-oh," she said, smiling.
One corner of his mouth twitched up just a little, then fell back down into a frown. "I woke up from a dream. And I can't stop thinking about that. If the dream wasn't real, how do I know any of this is?" He stared straight ahead, not turning to look at her. "How do I know I'm real?"
It was definitely one of his moods. Only Squall would come up with a question like that. "Isn't that something for a philosopher to think about?" Rinoa said. "Not a SeeD. But I guess a Squall is as good as a combination of a philosopher and a SeeD."
"I used to be so afraid of dying," Squall said. "I couldn't stand the thought of someone talking about me in past tense. I didn't want to be a was. I'm not afraid of that anymore. What if that's because I'm already gone?"
"Squall," she said softly. It was a signal, a reminder that he should look at her. He turned to do so. Rinoa reached out to touch his face. Her fingertips brushed the scar on his forehead. It was all the reminder she needed that he was real. If all of this were a lie, she was sure the illusion would try to throw a perfect Squall at her, one without the scar and without these nights where he woke up unable to do anything but brood. That was how she knew it was real and that she would stay with him. But it was harder, for him.
"What if I'm still lost in time compression?" he asked. "What if I died before then?" He hesitated, the real question lingering on his lips for a moment before he said it. "What if you never loved me? Rinoa."
"But I did," she said, "and I do."
"It's not that easy to accept," he said.
"Okay, fine," Rinoa said. "But it's still not right. In a world like that, there'd be a Squall-shaped hole."
"Time would pass," Squall said. "Things would fill the hole."
"Eventually," Rinoa said. "And then there'd be a Rinoa-shaped hole, and a Seifer-shaped hole, and all that. But for now, if there was a Squall-shaped hole, I'd know it. Even if I didn't love you, which is a stupid thing to say, by the way, I'd know I was missing something. Seifer would know he was missing something."
"You'd have each other," Squall said.
"But we wouldn't have you," Rinoa said. She realized she was tearing up a little and blinked furiously. The thought of being without Squall scared her. No Squall, only a hole shaped like him, a could-have-been that she'd never been able to fix...she was so glad it hadn't come to that. "So we'd poke and we'd poke and we'd poke at the hole! And on the other side, you'd feel it. But you don't feel that. You just feel insecure and a little lonely. That's all."
He looked down and laughed a self-deprecating little laugh.
"Don't be like that!" Rinoa said. Then, "No, it's okay. You can be like that. Because you're a Squall-shaped Squall, not a hole. And you know it."
"All right," Squall said. "Can you prove it?"
"Of course I can," she said, and so she kissed him, and that was that.
Fandom: Final Fantasy VIII
Pairing: Squall/Rinoa, mentions of Seifer
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 731
Notes: Written for the 31_days theme "he isn't just something he's imagining."
Summary: Squall has an existential crisis in the middle of the night. Fortunately, Rinoa is good with those.
Rinoa woke up to a coldness beside her, empty air where Squall's lean frame should have been nestled. That was when she knew it was one of the bad nights. He would never have left her side, otherwise. The nights when she could sleep next to him, both of them temporarily free enough from their duties as politicians and leaders to be with each other, were rare enough that they both treasured them.
She found him on the balcony, sitting down just behind the railing. He had his knees drawn up to his chest and was hunched over them, his head ducked down in thought. It wasn't a good pose for him. She sat down next to him. He said nothing, but she watched that posture change: his head lifted a little, his shoulders relaxed.
In the silence, she waited. He'd talk when he was ready. If it took too long, she'd give him a gentle push. More than that shouldn't be needed.
Eventually, he said, "I was thinking."
"Uh-oh," she said, smiling.
One corner of his mouth twitched up just a little, then fell back down into a frown. "I woke up from a dream. And I can't stop thinking about that. If the dream wasn't real, how do I know any of this is?" He stared straight ahead, not turning to look at her. "How do I know I'm real?"
It was definitely one of his moods. Only Squall would come up with a question like that. "Isn't that something for a philosopher to think about?" Rinoa said. "Not a SeeD. But I guess a Squall is as good as a combination of a philosopher and a SeeD."
"I used to be so afraid of dying," Squall said. "I couldn't stand the thought of someone talking about me in past tense. I didn't want to be a was. I'm not afraid of that anymore. What if that's because I'm already gone?"
"Squall," she said softly. It was a signal, a reminder that he should look at her. He turned to do so. Rinoa reached out to touch his face. Her fingertips brushed the scar on his forehead. It was all the reminder she needed that he was real. If all of this were a lie, she was sure the illusion would try to throw a perfect Squall at her, one without the scar and without these nights where he woke up unable to do anything but brood. That was how she knew it was real and that she would stay with him. But it was harder, for him.
"What if I'm still lost in time compression?" he asked. "What if I died before then?" He hesitated, the real question lingering on his lips for a moment before he said it. "What if you never loved me? Rinoa."
"But I did," she said, "and I do."
"It's not that easy to accept," he said.
"Okay, fine," Rinoa said. "But it's still not right. In a world like that, there'd be a Squall-shaped hole."
"Time would pass," Squall said. "Things would fill the hole."
"Eventually," Rinoa said. "And then there'd be a Rinoa-shaped hole, and a Seifer-shaped hole, and all that. But for now, if there was a Squall-shaped hole, I'd know it. Even if I didn't love you, which is a stupid thing to say, by the way, I'd know I was missing something. Seifer would know he was missing something."
"You'd have each other," Squall said.
"But we wouldn't have you," Rinoa said. She realized she was tearing up a little and blinked furiously. The thought of being without Squall scared her. No Squall, only a hole shaped like him, a could-have-been that she'd never been able to fix...she was so glad it hadn't come to that. "So we'd poke and we'd poke and we'd poke at the hole! And on the other side, you'd feel it. But you don't feel that. You just feel insecure and a little lonely. That's all."
He looked down and laughed a self-deprecating little laugh.
"Don't be like that!" Rinoa said. Then, "No, it's okay. You can be like that. Because you're a Squall-shaped Squall, not a hole. And you know it."
"All right," Squall said. "Can you prove it?"
"Of course I can," she said, and so she kissed him, and that was that.