[Gundam 00] In the Machine (Part II)
Title: In the Machine
Fandom: Gundam 00
Pairing: Variations on Feldt/Tieria/Lockon (Neil). Primarily Feldt/Tieria, one-sided Feldt/Lockon, mostly one-sided Tieria/Lockon with voyeur!Feldt.
Rating: NC-17 (for one sex scene)
Wordcount: 13,629 (7,479 in this section)
Notes: The result of a kinkmeme prompt that got out of hand. This is all Feldt point of view all the time and actually has very little sex, but a lot of character drama.
Summary: Feldt's own brain has surprises in store for her. When an electronic implant rewires her to be a cyborg, she uses her new abilities to better Celestial Being--but somewhere inside all that is still a teenage girl who is scared of what she's becoming.
« PART I »
Computer code had begun to take over Feldt's thoughts even while she was awake. It was much easier to process information that way. But over the day following her troubling conversation with Tieria, a new thought that wasn't digital at all began to plague her. It wasn't the worry over Lockon--that was only growing dimmer as the implant converted more and more of her brain. It was something else: the image of Tieria staring at her in pained shock after she'd linked with him without his permission. Her programming approved of what she had done, even if she had done it for irrational reasons: she wanted the information, so she'd taken it. That was how a machine consciousness should operate.
But, after some thought (which Feldt struggled to keep analog), she decided it wasn't how a human being should operate. She was still human enough that such a thing mattered. Tieria had become human enough that such a thing mattered to him as well.
She could not bring it up around Lockon, and the two of them spent most of their time around him. She had the feeling she didn't want Lockon to know she'd violated Tieria's mind like that; she still faintly felt shame at the thought of him finding out. It was strange, though. For all the time they spent around Lockon, talking to him, they still couldn't reach past the surface he presented. Feldt still sensed his memories rather than his reactions activating as he smiled and listened to them. Feldt tried to describe how she'd kept going after his death, hoping to make him proud of her. That was still important to her. But she could sense nothing resembling pride in his mind when she spoke. She could still sense very little at all. She needed more practice, she told herself again, but more and more, the electronic portions of her brain were disinclined to believe that. She felt nothing from him because he felt nothing, too.
She hated that thought. After another day of it, she was almost glad to follow Tieria back to his quarters when they both finally left Lockon for the night. She still wasn't sure what she was going to say to him, but it was better than staying with Lockon and sensing that lack of sensation.
"Feldt," Tieria said, stopping well before reaching his quarters and turning to face her. "What do you need?"
"I don't need anything," she said. She made herself look directly at him, even though it was difficult. The human in her was a little scared to, and the machine in her thought it was irrelevant. But she owed it to him, somehow. This was what humans did, even if they weren't sure they were humans. They looked each other in the eyes. Lockon had been good at that; he still tried, when he could.
"Then what is it?" Tieria looked a little uncomfortable, and that was enough to push Feldt over the edge.
"I'm sorry," she blurted out. "I'm sorry, Tieria."
"What are you apologizing for?" he asked, his voice cautious but a little hopeful.
"The way I touched your mind last night," Feldt said. "It wasn't right, was it?"
"No," Tieria said. "It was not."
"I won't do it again," Feldt said.
Tieria hesitated. Then he nodded. "Thank you. I appreciate that."
She exhaled slowly with relief, and only then did she allow herself to look down. Her gaze fell on Tieria's hands, still stiff at his sides. She remembered what it had felt like for him to hold her hand in his, and she realized that she hadn't minded. She lifted a hand, then looked back up at his face. "Tieria, is it okay if I hold your hand again? I won't force you," she added hurriedly.
He blinked. "Why?" Then, a moment later, he held out his hand, as it occurred to him to actually answer the puzzling question. "It doesn't bother me," he said softly.
She clutched at his smooth pale fingers. "I'm scared," she said.
"About Lockon," Tieria said. He swallowed. "I am as well."
"Yes," Feldt said. "And no."
"What is it?"
"I'm worried about Lockon," she said. "That's true. But I'm also selfish, Tieria. I'm scared of what I'm becoming." Before she could stop herself, she'd asked, "What was it like?"
He looked at her, either not comprehending or not wanting to comprehend. She hated that she could think of the latter, that she could identify so easily when other people might be being weak at heart. They were supposed to be the strong ones, there to guide her.
"What was it like," she repeated, "when you didn't feel human? When Veda and the mission was all that mattered to you."
"Weren't you like that once, as well?" Tieria asked.
She shook her head. "I've always felt things," she said. "I just haven't had words for them." It was so easy to say that now, even though it summed up her entire life. Was that all she was? Someone who had lacked words for her feelings until Lockon, Christina, and the others had given them to her? No--was that all she had been, and was she something else entirely now?
"I always felt things," Tieria said, "but they weren't about people. People irritated me. They weren't important. Only the mission was important." He opened his mouth to say more, then closed it again.
She was hurting him by making him remembering these things, Feldt realized. "I'm sorry," she said again. "You don't have to talk about this." She wasn't sure she wanted to hear anymore, after all.
"It doesn't matter, in any case," he said abruptly. "What you are becoming is something different than what I was. I was a bioterminal made to access Veda. You have far greater abilities."
"I think..." Feldt hesitated. "I think they'll have more of a cost. It's already getting hard to remember to feel some things."
"Are they important things?"
"I don't know," Feldt said. "I can't tell what's important, sometimes."
"What if I remind you?" Tieria said. "I won't forget. Lockon is here. He will keep teaching me. Even if nothing is important to him anymore, he will keep teaching me."
"What did I want to be?" Feldt asked. "What did Lockon teach me?"
Tieria pulled his hand out of hers; the feeling left her with a jolt. "Link with me," he said. "I'll search for the answer."
"You don't mind?"
"No," he said. A tiny smile crept over his face. "I like the link. It's...a bit like Veda. But warmer."
Feldt reached for Tieria's face again. She brushed her fingertips against his temples and opened her mind to him. This time, instead of sorting through his memories, she drew him into hers. He fumbled with them, still unsteady. He followed the familiar trail of Lockon, Lockon, Lockon (it was even brighter in his mind than in hers, and she wondered at that) into places Feldt had started to forget. He found something.
She let go of him, took a step back, and looked at him again.
He took a deep breath. "You wanted to help us all," he said. "You wanted to be an important part of Celestial Being. Because we are your family, and you are one of us."
She smiled. It made sense. "Thank you, Tieria."
* * *
There were so many places Feldt could go from there, and she wasn't sure how to get to any of them. How could she best help Celestial Being in the state she was in now? She knew she could do much more than she had been able to in the past--that was some comfort, at least for as long as she retained such things as comforts. But her programming remained silent on what exactly she was supposed to do. There were too many contingencies, and the wiring in her brain was not fully developed yet. She knew that if she waited longer, it would be developed enough to decide for her. That was why she didn't want to wait.
Fortunately, a conversation with Ian sent her mind in the right direction. She passed him coming out of the hangar one day. He was in a good mood; he smiled and waved to her. "Nadleeh's almost fully operational again, Feldt! When we've got enough resources again, we can work on upgrading it so it's more than a match for whatever this new government they're making throws at us."
"Good," Feldt said. "I'm glad for Tieria."
"I don't know what to do about the other Gundams, though," he said.
"We will find Setsuna and Allelujah someday," Feldt said. "They'll return." She remembered discussing letters with Setsuna, and Haro's loneliness. He couldn't be gone for good, could he? But already, that memory was distant and no longer seemed to mean so much. But Setsuna was still important to Lockon. For that, Feldt would bring him back. "We'll have to find the technology for new versions of Kyrios and Exia. I can help now," she added. But she didn't quite think that was what she needed to do.
Ian slowed and started to frown. "What about Dynames?"
Feldt stopped. It came to her then and there. "We'll do the same for Dynames," she said. "Because I'm going to learn to pilot it."
"Are you sure?" Ian began, but by then it was already too late; Feldt had turned and was headed down the corridor to find Lockon. It all made sense now. Since she had brought him back, she would take on the responsibilities he could no longer handle. He would be able to do something by teaching her, and then he would be free to feel again. Everything would be all right.
* * *
"No," Lockon said firmly. It was jarring. He'd been so relaxed these days, so peaceful, with all those old memories floating through his head and nothing in the present to distract him. Feldt had only rarely felt the spike of anger from his brain, and never anything resembling determination. She'd begun to think maybe he didn't have the capacity for it anymore (something which should have worried her more and more, but instead worried her less and less as her brain rewired itself).
She wasn't sure how to feel know that she knew he did. It was good to see him feeling something, and she analyzed what she could sense of his brain more closely to get a better idea what it was. Determination, yes--like she hadn't felt out of him before, although she had a feeling it didn't compared to the fire he must have had before. Something else, something more complex...but she was getting better at identifying emotions. Protectiveness. That was it. And through it, the strangest wisp of gratitude--she almost managed to catch a full thought, a murmur of There's some innocence I can still protect. Then it was gone.
She looked at him. He no longer wore the eyepatch; instead, he brushed his hair over his ruined eye and gazed out with the remaining one, even though it was of little more use. Now he focused dimly on Feldt's face. She did her best to meet his distant gaze. "Lockon..." Even with her brain and its connections now able to provide her with a smooth understanding of human conversation, she couldn't find the words to tell him why his answer disappointed her. She couldn't explain why she wanted to do this.
"You've done plenty for Celestial Being, Feldt," Lockon said. "Don't worry about pushing yourself to do more. They'll find another Gundam Meister for Dynames. Besides, what do you think Haro would think of you going into combat with him? He'd get confused."
Feldt wanted to inform Lockon that she knew now that ascribing such silly emotions to Haro was ridiculous. Haro was a machine. She knew how machines felt, now. But Lockon still left her mute. That was confusing.
He smiled and reached out to pat her shoulder. He'd gotten the hang of it, now, and she had no excuse to press her face into the soft leather of his glove now. She still wanted to, but his hand was firm on her shoulder. "Keep being yourself, Feldt," he said. "Remember what I told you. Live on."
Feldt realized then that if she were still entirely herself, she would be angry. How could he tell her something like this, when he smiled so hollowly and refused to live on himself? But she didn't want to be angry at Lockon, so she yielded to temptation and turned off that part of her brain like a light. That was better than just feeling it, and it was also worse. "I understand," she finally said. This was a lie. She wouldn't have been able to lie before. It was good that she was learning, she told herself as she left Lockon behind.
* * *
She had grown used to confiding in Tieria. It had become so easy. He was the only one who understood the balance she struggled with between human and machine, supplied the more logical circuits of her brain, and naturally that was why. But she knew that wasn't entirely true. She liked holding his hand. Besides, he was more human than her, now, so he didn't understand. Not entirely. She still confided in him.
That was why she went to him now. "There are still things he won't do for me," she concluded, when she'd finished explaining how Lockon had denied her training. "I could train all the same, but it wouldn't be right. It would bother me for some reason."
"You want him to approve," Tieria said. He hesitated, then added, "You want him to be proud of you. Unless...that's only me."
"No," Feldt said. "It's me too. Even though I shouldn't need anyone to be proud of me. My abilities are superior to those of anyone else here." She didn't mean to say it that way, but it was true. "I want to mean something to him. But nothing means anything to him anymore. Maybe Setsuna, a little. I wish Setsuna still meant something to me," she added suddenly. "But I only want him to be alive for Lockon's sake."
Tieria's eyes widened at that confession. Then he looked down, and after a moment, he nodded. "I don't entirely understand it. But it's as if he isn't here anymore."
"There are things he won't tell us," Feldt said. But then she thought of her last conversation with Lockon. There's some innocence I can still protect. He wouldn't let her be a Gundam Meister. But someone who already was--
"What is it, Feldt?"
"There are things he won't tell me," she corrected herself. "Tieria, you're a Gundam Meister like him. Please find a way for him to tell someone. Even if it's you, and not me."
"I will do my best," Tieria said. Then his gaze grew intent on hers. "But you want to hear it too, correct? From him."
"Yes," she admitted.
He bowed his head to her, then tipped it back a little, exposing the soft spots on his temples that she needed to touch to initiate the link. "He doesn't need to know if we're linked while I ask him. And you were the one who brought him back. You deserve to know."
"Isn't that..." Feldt searched for the word. "A breach of trust?"
"He breached my trust by getting himself killed," Tieria said with sudden vehemence. "This is only fair. And--this will be difficult for me. I'd like your support."
Feldt blinked. Her body was at its normal heat, but she felt warm inside at those words. She didn't have to; she could turn off the feeling like she'd turned off her anger at Lockon. But this one, she wanted to keep. "All right." And she reached for him to begin to link their minds.
* * *
Lockon was alone by a window when Tieria found him. Ian was busy with the Gundams, and Lasse had just left to go help him. When Tieria approached him from behind, they were alone. "Lockon," he said.
Over the weeks, Lockon had learned to stop starting when he heard people's voices like that. Feldt still registered slight surprise in his brain and a momentary flicker of frustration at how easily he could be caught unawares, but that was all, and then he was smoothly turning to face Tieria. "Yo," he said. "What's up?"
"We all are," Tieria said very seriously. "We're all up and working to bring Celestial Being back to what it was, just as Feldt brought you back."
Lockon chuckled. There was only the dimmest of lights in his brain at this. He really did find Tieria's way of phrasing things pleasing--he sometimes felt it with Feldt around, too, and she was glad whenever that happened. But it wasn't enough. It was just a veil over emptiness. And then after that chuckle, he grew serious. Too serious. "You shouldn't put it that way, Tieria. When Celestial Being is restored, it'll be a lot better than I am."
"Don't say things like that," Tieria said.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to mope," Lockon said. "It's just true, after all."
Ask him why, Feldt sent. Ask him now. Why he says things like that!
Tieria obeyed. "Lockon, what do you mean? You have to know that even with your combat skills unusable, you're still a great asset to the team. You keep us together. You provide valuable support. You teach us things we would never have learned without you. Feldt and I will both attest to that."
Yes, she said. Yes.
The smile Lockon gave Tieria now was different. It was gentle and halfway genuine, and it hurt Feldt more than the hollow ones. "My memory would do the same things," he said. "It's not me you need."
"Even if that's true," Tieria said. "I'm still glad you have the chance to live again, Lockon Stratos. Why aren't you? Why don't you want to experience the world changing?"
"Tieria, you shouldn't call me that," Lockon said with sudden flatness.
Tieria hesitated. When he spoke, he almost stuttered. "Neil...Dylandy?"
"I don't know," Lockon said in that same toneless voice.
We're close to something, Feldt said. He's speaking real things now, even though... She searched her data from his brain. Even though he doesn't really want to say them to you. I think you've pushed him enough, Tieria.
"Please explain," Tieria said softly, carefully.
"I was done fighting," Lockon said. "I was done being Lockon Stratos and Neil Dylandy. I'd changed the world as much as I could. That wasn't enough, but I thought maybe Setsuna could do the rest. Now I'm in a world where Setsuna might be gone, I can't fight at all, and I have no more right to be Lockon Stratos." One of his hands curled into a fist.
Tieria reached out, very quickly, and in that moment Feldt wasn't sure whether it was his impulse, hers, or both of theirs in harmony. His hand folded around Lockon's fist. "You will always be Lockon Stratos to me."
Lockon looked abruptly up at him. Tieria was close enough now for Lockon to make out his face, Feldt realized, although just barely. That was very close indeed. She could feel Tieria's heart beating rapidly, and she knew hers was doing the same thing. What she didn't know was why.
"That's not enough," Lockon said. "I need to be Lockon Stratos for the world. For--" For him. It was a full thought this time that came Feldt's way, and an image came with it, so strong was the urge from Lockon. For a moment, the image confused her utterly. It was Lockon himself, and she knew he wasn't doing it for himself. But--
No. Her databanks supplied the obvious answer. It was an identical twin. Feldt though of what he had told her so long ago now, about his parents and the terrorist attack. Lockon had done all of this, had done everything, for the same reason Feldt strove to rebuild Celestial Being. For family.
But Tieria could not sense that thought from Lockon. In fact, he'd almost forgotten Feldt was there in his brain at all. "I'm not enough," he said. His expression would be little more than a blur to Lockon, but the ache in his voice was clear enough.
It was clear enough, in fact, that Lockon slipped back behind the mask (when had Feldt figured out it was a mask? She hadn't wanted to figure that out at all), and in an instant he was smiling ruefully but encouragingly. "Don't talk like that, Tieria. You're enough for what matters. For Celestial Being. You're enough to change the world with your own Gundam and your own will."
"You matter," Tieria said. Feldt would have spoken the same thing, had she been there; the words might as well have come from her own mouth, though Tieria paid her no heed now. It was just too bizarre. Lockon was the most human of them all, and he had taught them that humanity was precious. But here he was dismissing his own worth.
And right then, he did it again. He closed his remaining, nearly useless eye and smiled. "Not anymore. I'm a part of the past, Tieria. You and Feldt and the others will be part of the future."
"I'll take you with me," Tieria said fiercely. Not We'll take you with us. He'd entirely forgotten Feldt was there. He proved it an instant later, when he leaned forward and pressed his mouth tightly to Lockon's. Feldt reeled with the shock and nearly lost her connection, but now more than ever she wanted to hold onto it.
For a moment, Lockon was stiff, unresponsive. Then he pulled away. "Is that what you need me for?" he asked softly.
"No. Yes. I didn't mean--" Tieria stumbled over his words. "I wanted you. So I kissed you."
Lockon kissed him back. Base emotions lit up his brain, but Feldt was too overwhelmed with Tieria's feelings to analyze Lockon's too closely. She only noticed one odd anomaly: the sudden satisfaction Lockon felt for just a moment wasn't sexual or even romantic. It was something else. He was--relieved? Was that it?
She couldn't tell. She could only feel Tieria's pulse fluttering in his throat as Lockon's mouth moved on his, and it felt like Lockon's mouth was moving on hers, so her pulse fluttered helplessly, too.
Something calculating stirred in the electronic portions of her brain. It told her: You can use this. He wants to fill Tieria's need, because he can't do anything else. Let him fill yours, as well. Take advantage of him.
The thought was too tempting to bear.
* * *
The connections in Feldt's brain offered her endless information on how one person could seduce another. But none of it seemed to apply to Lockon. He was different, both now and before. She wouldn't have wanted him any other way. No, that wasn't true. She would have wanted him happier. But maybe this would help with that, she told herself. Another part of her scoffed at the idea. It was a rationalization. Her brain, changed as it was, knew this, and it told her that she shouldn't bother justifying herself. She should just manipulate Lockon as she needed to. After all, he wasn't good for much else anymore, especially if he wouldn't teach her about Dynames.
It was that kind of thought that made her flinch away from herself now. She wanted Lockon because he was important no matter what, didn't she?
Feldt made her way to Lockon's quarters after Tieria had gone to sleep, and she casually bypassed the security to let herself in. She would have been able to do that even before, but now it was easier than breathing. She stepped inside, and she turned on the lights.
In his bed, Lockon stirred. He could still tell when a room went from pitch dark to full of light, and now he sat up in bed. "Something happen?" he asked, and the double sensation that came to Feldt from him was a strange combination. It was both worry and hope. It made sense that he'd be worried, upon being woken up in the middle of the night, that something had gone wrong, that they were in danger or under attack. But what could he gain from such a situation?
Feldt pushed the thought away, because she had a feeling that if she tried analyzing it further, she'd find out more things she didn't want to know about Lockon. Instead, she said, "There's nothing wrong." She sat down on Lockon's bed and looked at him. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and while she'd seen him that way before in sickbay, now it made her want to blush. Now that she could do so, she suppressed it, even though he wouldn't have seen if she hadn't. "Lockon, I wanted to see you."
"Feldt," he said. His tone changed. It gentled. "Do you need help with something?"
She thought again of that time, in another era, when he'd confessed his past to her. Some of that man was still in him, she knew. It just wasn't enough to make a whole person, just as what was left of her without the implant wasn't enough to make a whole person. So it made sense for them to be together. "No," she said. "I was thinking of you." She thought of the touches she'd shared with Tieria, and the way Tieria had touched Lockon before kissing him. She reached out and grabbed his hand, trying not to apply too much force.
He stiffened, then stilled. "Hey, now. Let's not get carried away. You should--"
She didn't want him to say more. She kissed him.
But his mouth was flat and unresponsive against hers. Resistance splashed against her mind. An image flickered from his brain to hers: a young girl with a smiling face, a face that bore some of the same features as Lockon's. She wasn't Feldt, but somehow in Lockon's mind she was connected with her. A sister. He'd had a little sister as well as a twin brother. How much else about his past had he not told her?
He pulled away before she could think about it more. "Stop it," he said quietly.
"Lockon," she said. "You want people to want you. Now more than ever. I'm not wrong."
"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, Feldt," he said. "Don't do this."
"I do want you!" she said. "Why--"
Inside her brain, without her asking for it, a reanalysis began. Some logic center had deemed it time to evaluate her actions. It studied her observation that Lockon needed to be needed, especially now that he could find no other purpose, and approved of that. It approved of her decision to take advantage of this. Weaknesses in human beings existed to be taken advantage of, for better or for worse. From there on, though, she couldn't stop herself, and yes, this was part of herself now that was thinking these things.
Lockon had looked at her as something like a sister. She had thought she loved him as something else, the few times she'd thought about those things. But in the end, she'd been mistaken. All she'd wanted all her life was family, and Lockon had been the one who'd taught her she could find that in Celestial Being. More than she wanted him to kiss her, she wanted him to hold her and tell her it would be all right. Even though, of course, that was absurd. Why should she need a blind human being to tell her things would be all right, when her own brain could analyze the situation far better?
Because he was Lockon. She couldn't let herself forget that.
Feldt stifled a sob and fell against Lockon's chest. It was enough to hear his heartbeat. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry."
She felt him relax, both physically and mentally. The next thing she knew, he was stroking her hair. It felt much more right than her attempt to kiss him. "It's all right," he said. "I'm still here for you, Feldt. You don't need to make yourself do anything you don't want to just to be sure of that." And there it was: the same satisfaction she'd sensed from him when Tieria had kissed him.
But the guilt of what she'd attempted still lay on her heavily, even though there were circuits in her that expressed nothing but impatience with such guilt. She tried to think of something else to say. "I'm sorry for more than that," was what came out. "Lockon, I lied to you."
"What?" He stopped stroking her hair.
She forced herself to pull away from him and sit up. "I told you it was my mission to bring you back," she said. "That was a lie." Why was she telling him this? Did she want his forgiveness, or just his understanding of how important he was to her? She didn't know. She refused to let her electronics give her the answer so easily.
"What do you mean?" His voice was quiet and even. It was getting dangerously close to that flat territory it had been in when he'd spoken with Tieria and she'd listened in.
"When I found out you would be blind," she said, "my programming told me to abandon the project. I ignored it. I wanted you to live. It was my decision. That's why you're here."
He was perfectly silent. She could sense the shock rippling out from him.
"I won't apologize for that!" Feldt said, even though her eyes were filling up with tears.
He tilted his head and almost looked at her. Hurriedly, she stilled her tears and her fears long enough to try to read what he was feeling. Places in his brain that had never lit up before when he paid attention to her were lighting up now. She wondered why, but could not tell, even with the help of the implant.
And then he smiled. "Looks like you can do more than I thought," he said. "That'll teach me to underestimate you." Beneath the smile, contradictory emotions had sparked in him. Resentment, even a hint of anger--she'd expected that, but it still hurt a little. But there was also something else. That thought she'd felt from him before--There's some innocence I can still protect--she felt it shatter. She'd made her own decision that had hurt him, so she was no longer an innocent girl to be protected. She wanted to ask him if it was all right to be proud, but of course she couldn't. So she asked herself, and she answered yes, but only with a little sadness.
"Lockon," she said, "will you teach me how to pilot Dynames?"
"You know you'll be in danger," he said, "piloting a Gundam. Promise me something, Feldt."
"What?"
"Promise me you aren't doing it to impress me or prove that you're good enough."
"I promise," she said, although she wasn't sure what that would accomplish. Promises were a human thing. She wasn't even human enough for Lockon to want to shelter her anymore. "I want to help Celestial Being to the best of my abilities. Now I have greater abilities. Let me use them."
"We can start as soon as you're ready," he said.
* * *
Feldt wandered the corridors that night, trying to figure out how she should feel. She had failed to seduce Lockon, both because of him and because of herself. Tieria could succeed, if he really tried. But she had succeeded in convincing Lockon to teach her to pilot Dynames. Wasn't that what mattered? That she be able to help Celestial Being as a fighter. Her relationships with other people were irrelevant in the face of that.
When the night was finished, she had almost sufficiently convinced herself. She drew on her brain's wireless power receptors to make up for her lack of sleep, and she went about her day.
But Tieria was there wherever she was, because she followed Lockon wherever he went, and so did Tieria. He distracted her with feelings--jealousy and guilt. She suppressed them, but then she wondered if that was such a good idea.
He stopped her in a corridor outside the cafeteria as Lockon ate his lunch. "Feldt Grace," he said. "You're acting oddly."
"It's nothing," she said, looking him straight in the eyes, and her implant allowed her to lie convincingly. She was comforted. The feelings would vanish if she just suppressed them long enough. But a thought occurred to her: what about the other feelings Tieria brought out in her? The warmth she felt when he held her hand? Would that go away, too?
She didn't want to lose that. Sometime between when she had first linked with Tieria mind to mind and now, it had become important to her. She wondered if it was because Tieria was family to her, or if it was something else. She wondered if she would lose all of it: the warmth Tieria inspired in her, the sense of satisfaction she felt from working with him to watch over Lockon, the comfort she gained from confiding in him. When that happened, how much longer would she still care about Lockon himself?
Feldt ordered her brain to search for ways to maintain her humanity. She found the answer easily enough. She'd already been thinking of it, after all--just in the wrong way.
* * *
This time, she made her way to Tieria's quarters at night, after they'd seen Lockon off to sleep. She did another thing differently this time, too. She alerted him that she was waiting outside the door instead of simply slicing her way in past the locks.
He looked a little awkward when he opened it for her, and she quickly realized why. He was wearing a long nightshirt of strange design. It looked a little threadbare, as if it had been through many transformations. "What do you need, Feldt?"
"What are you wearing?" she asked, even though that hadn't been what she'd come here for. She had to know.
"It's a prototype," he said. "No, that's incorrect. Right now, it is a nightshirt that I wear to sleep. But it also serves as a template for working out the design of the uniform for Celestial Being."
She threw herself into the room; the door shut behind her. "Thank you for designing it, Tieria," she said.
"It's nothing," he said. "Merely an exercise in design and color coordination."
"But I'm glad that you're doing it, Tieria," she said. "You've become important to me."
He looked at her. "I...thank you, Feldt."
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry I was jealous that you kissed Lockon. It doesn't matter if you kiss him. What matters is that we'll take care of him together." She smiled. "Right, Tieria?"
"You don't have to apologize," he said. "It's good to have human feelings."
"It's good for you to have human feelings," Feldt said. "It's good for Lockon to have human feelings, when he still can. But when I have them, they get all mixed up with my circuitry."
"My feelings get mixed up, too," Tieria said. "Perhaps it's something all combinations of humans and machines have to live with."
"Maybe even Lockon's feelings..." Feldt trailed off.
"Why did you come here tonight?" Tieria asked.
"I came because I wanted to be with you," Feldt said. "In a human way." She grasped the collar of Tieria's nightshirt, pulled him to her, and kissed him. She wasn't linked to his mind right then, but she could still feel it as he first tensed up and then relaxed against her and tried to kiss back.
Feldt realized that neither one of them knew how to kiss. They were pushing their mouths against each other awkwardly. She pulled back. "I'm sorry," she said. "I should have asked first."
"I would have said yes," Tieria said. But he looked surprised at himself. "I wanted to kiss Lockon, but I don't mind kissing you, either. Perhaps it's because we're not entirely human. In the stories I have researched, humans only have these feelings for one person at a time."
"But this makes me feel more human," Feldt said.
"Then we should do it," Tieria said. "In order to make you feel more human. I am ready." He began to pull off his nightshirt.
"Wait, Tieria!" She grabbed him by the arm. "Do you want to?"
He blinked at her. "Yes," he said. "I like to hold your hands. I like to hold you. I would like to kiss you if I could better understand how. It follows naturally that I would enjoy having sex with you. You are young, but you are physically adult. I trust your judgment if you believe you are ready."
"Good," Feldt said. "I think I'll enjoy it with you, too." She started to pull off her clothes. "I don't know if I'm ready," she confessed. "I wouldn't be with anyone else." She hadn't been with Lockon, after all. "But with you..."
"Technically," Tieria said, "I am younger than you are. It will be all right." He finished taking off his nightshirt. He was naked underneath, his body not quite as androgynous as his face, but close: flat chest, wide hips, small penis. "Let me assist you," he said, and he helped her out of her jumpsuit.
She took off the underclothes beneath it, then shivered a little. "I have an idea," she said tentatively.
"What is it?"
She reached for his face. "This will help us know when we're doing something right," she said.
"Go ahead," he said. "I'll need the help. I've never done this before."
She opened the link. "Tieria...!"
"What is it?"
"Your feelings," she said. "They're so much like mine." She smiled at him. "I make you feel warm. You make me feel warm."
"We make each other feel human," he said. "Help me learn how to be human, Feldt, and I will help you stay human."
"Yes," she said. "I like that."
She kissed him again, and this time she felt feelings rush between them: fumbling arousal, cautious happiness, gratitude. She wasn't sure which feelings were his and which were Tieria's, but she didn't mind. Even if it was the machinery in her brain that let her open up like this, it still made her feel human.
"We should move to the bed," Tieria said. "I want you to be comfortable."
"I want you to be comfortable, too," Feldt said.
"Of course," Tieria said. "That's how it works. We want each other to feel good."
She put her hands on his waist and, walking uncertainly with him, moved to the bed. He began to kiss her, moving his mouth methodically from place to place. She shivered, and they fell to their work on each other in silence. He could not speak, because he was kissing her breasts, and she could not speak, because she was listening to his surprise at how good it felt to kiss her breasts.
When he was inside her, and she was sitting atop him with her legs spread wide, feeling uncomfortable, a little sore, and full of lovely warm indescribable sensation, she finally spoke again. "I'm still a little jealous. I'm still very scared."
"That's acceptable," he said. "Keep feeling warm, too."
"I will," she said. She stroked his hair in a way that was very different from how Lockon had stroked hers. His pleasure flickered hot in her mind. "So long as I can feel your warmth. I'm glad, Tieria. I'm glad we have this link."
"Which link?" he breathed.
She felt him move inside her and she cried out. When she regained her breath, she said, "Both of them. Your body to my body, and my mind to your mind."
"Then let's keep doing them both," Tieria said. "For each other."
* * *
Just as she had enjoyed Tieria's touch, Feldt enjoyed Lockon's touch as he guided her hands on the controls of Gundam Dynames. But it was different. It wasn't the same as the fumbling, inexperienced touches and connections she and Tieria shared. It was more practiced, less intimate, and more useful--probably.
"I usually left navigation to Haro," Lockon explained. "But you can move the Gundam yourself with these controls. Haro will help run the targeting system, too."
"Haro's useful," Feldt said. "Even though he's only a machine."
"Not 'only,'" Lockon said. "That's a bad way to put it."
Every day, for the little while he taught her, Lockon felt more like his old self again. It was easier than Feldt wanted it to be to understand why. He had a purpose. But that meant that when it was over, he would go back to being numb again. She was afraid of how far that could go.
So she modified her own skill uptake. She set her learning abilities below what they could be. She dragged out the sessions with Lockon for as long as she could.
She told Tieria about this, too. "Good," he said. "Keep him occupied for as long as you can."
"It's different with you," she said. "I have my skill uptake set as high as it will go. I want to be able to learn more about how to have sex with another person. Is that all right?"
"Yes," he said. "That's all right."
But the implant continued to rewire her brain. Little by little, the touches of Tieria's hand on her thigh meant less. The smiles Lockon gave her as she completed her lessons meant less. She fought it all the way. She wanted to keep every scrap of feeling she still had. Tieria and Lockon deserved it.
She wondered if it was all right to keep fighting, and she kept fighting.
* * *
She could only fight for so long.
One night Feldt woke at Tieria's side with a start. Within her brain, now disconnected from Tieria's, questions were emerging.
Why am I here? Why am I at Tieria's side? Why have I been delaying my training? Why does it matter if Lockon feels anything or not?
She tried to be afraid, but it was hard to summon the feeling. It felt distant and artificial. She moved evenly and without any trembling as she pulled on her clothes and walked out of Tieria's quarters. She kept up that calm and steady pace as she made her way to the hangar. There she looked at Dynames, still half-broken, with bits and pieces of upgrades tacked on. This is my Gundam, she thought. Hadn't Setsuna always felt special when he looked at his Gundam? But Setsuna was a distant memory, and she felt nothing special as she stared at Dynames.
"Feldt." It was Tieria. He'd followed her. "What's wrong?"
She did not turn to face him. That was a human thing to do. "I think it's over," she said. "I think I'm not human anymore."
Tieria touched her face. "You're wrong," he said.
"We aren't linked," she said. "There's no way for you to tell."
"You retain other ways," he said. And he showed her his fingers. They were wet and shiny. "You're crying. I don't want to see you cry, but if it is what reminds you that you are human, then keep crying."
She stared at his hand. Then she touched her own face and felt the tears there. With a fierce sniffle, she stopped them. "I promised not to cry," she said. "And keeping promises is a human thing."
"So is breaking them," Tieria said. Hesitantly, still awkwardly even after all the nights they had shared, he put his arms around her.
"Tieria," she whispered. She remembered the way he had touched her, and she responded to the way he touched her now.
"What is it?"
Inside her head, she felt the implant retreat a little. Perhaps she didn't need to be taken over entirely. Maybe she was good enough with some humanity left in her. "Thank you."
"There's no need to thank me," Tieria said. "I believe there are some things the implant could never have changed in you."
"But I've changed so much," she said.
"We both have," he said. "It's all right to change. Lockon taught me that."
Tieria's hands were resting on Feldt's heart. She lifted her own hands to rest on them. "Tieria," she said. "Let's protect Lockon together."
"Yes," Tieria said. "We'll do that."
Feldt felt her heart beat hard, and she decided one thing. So long as she was with Tieria, protecting Lockon, she would be human enough.
Fandom: Gundam 00
Pairing: Variations on Feldt/Tieria/Lockon (Neil). Primarily Feldt/Tieria, one-sided Feldt/Lockon, mostly one-sided Tieria/Lockon with voyeur!Feldt.
Rating: NC-17 (for one sex scene)
Wordcount: 13,629 (7,479 in this section)
Notes: The result of a kinkmeme prompt that got out of hand. This is all Feldt point of view all the time and actually has very little sex, but a lot of character drama.
Summary: Feldt's own brain has surprises in store for her. When an electronic implant rewires her to be a cyborg, she uses her new abilities to better Celestial Being--but somewhere inside all that is still a teenage girl who is scared of what she's becoming.
« PART I »
Computer code had begun to take over Feldt's thoughts even while she was awake. It was much easier to process information that way. But over the day following her troubling conversation with Tieria, a new thought that wasn't digital at all began to plague her. It wasn't the worry over Lockon--that was only growing dimmer as the implant converted more and more of her brain. It was something else: the image of Tieria staring at her in pained shock after she'd linked with him without his permission. Her programming approved of what she had done, even if she had done it for irrational reasons: she wanted the information, so she'd taken it. That was how a machine consciousness should operate.
But, after some thought (which Feldt struggled to keep analog), she decided it wasn't how a human being should operate. She was still human enough that such a thing mattered. Tieria had become human enough that such a thing mattered to him as well.
She could not bring it up around Lockon, and the two of them spent most of their time around him. She had the feeling she didn't want Lockon to know she'd violated Tieria's mind like that; she still faintly felt shame at the thought of him finding out. It was strange, though. For all the time they spent around Lockon, talking to him, they still couldn't reach past the surface he presented. Feldt still sensed his memories rather than his reactions activating as he smiled and listened to them. Feldt tried to describe how she'd kept going after his death, hoping to make him proud of her. That was still important to her. But she could sense nothing resembling pride in his mind when she spoke. She could still sense very little at all. She needed more practice, she told herself again, but more and more, the electronic portions of her brain were disinclined to believe that. She felt nothing from him because he felt nothing, too.
She hated that thought. After another day of it, she was almost glad to follow Tieria back to his quarters when they both finally left Lockon for the night. She still wasn't sure what she was going to say to him, but it was better than staying with Lockon and sensing that lack of sensation.
"Feldt," Tieria said, stopping well before reaching his quarters and turning to face her. "What do you need?"
"I don't need anything," she said. She made herself look directly at him, even though it was difficult. The human in her was a little scared to, and the machine in her thought it was irrelevant. But she owed it to him, somehow. This was what humans did, even if they weren't sure they were humans. They looked each other in the eyes. Lockon had been good at that; he still tried, when he could.
"Then what is it?" Tieria looked a little uncomfortable, and that was enough to push Feldt over the edge.
"I'm sorry," she blurted out. "I'm sorry, Tieria."
"What are you apologizing for?" he asked, his voice cautious but a little hopeful.
"The way I touched your mind last night," Feldt said. "It wasn't right, was it?"
"No," Tieria said. "It was not."
"I won't do it again," Feldt said.
Tieria hesitated. Then he nodded. "Thank you. I appreciate that."
She exhaled slowly with relief, and only then did she allow herself to look down. Her gaze fell on Tieria's hands, still stiff at his sides. She remembered what it had felt like for him to hold her hand in his, and she realized that she hadn't minded. She lifted a hand, then looked back up at his face. "Tieria, is it okay if I hold your hand again? I won't force you," she added hurriedly.
He blinked. "Why?" Then, a moment later, he held out his hand, as it occurred to him to actually answer the puzzling question. "It doesn't bother me," he said softly.
She clutched at his smooth pale fingers. "I'm scared," she said.
"About Lockon," Tieria said. He swallowed. "I am as well."
"Yes," Feldt said. "And no."
"What is it?"
"I'm worried about Lockon," she said. "That's true. But I'm also selfish, Tieria. I'm scared of what I'm becoming." Before she could stop herself, she'd asked, "What was it like?"
He looked at her, either not comprehending or not wanting to comprehend. She hated that she could think of the latter, that she could identify so easily when other people might be being weak at heart. They were supposed to be the strong ones, there to guide her.
"What was it like," she repeated, "when you didn't feel human? When Veda and the mission was all that mattered to you."
"Weren't you like that once, as well?" Tieria asked.
She shook her head. "I've always felt things," she said. "I just haven't had words for them." It was so easy to say that now, even though it summed up her entire life. Was that all she was? Someone who had lacked words for her feelings until Lockon, Christina, and the others had given them to her? No--was that all she had been, and was she something else entirely now?
"I always felt things," Tieria said, "but they weren't about people. People irritated me. They weren't important. Only the mission was important." He opened his mouth to say more, then closed it again.
She was hurting him by making him remembering these things, Feldt realized. "I'm sorry," she said again. "You don't have to talk about this." She wasn't sure she wanted to hear anymore, after all.
"It doesn't matter, in any case," he said abruptly. "What you are becoming is something different than what I was. I was a bioterminal made to access Veda. You have far greater abilities."
"I think..." Feldt hesitated. "I think they'll have more of a cost. It's already getting hard to remember to feel some things."
"Are they important things?"
"I don't know," Feldt said. "I can't tell what's important, sometimes."
"What if I remind you?" Tieria said. "I won't forget. Lockon is here. He will keep teaching me. Even if nothing is important to him anymore, he will keep teaching me."
"What did I want to be?" Feldt asked. "What did Lockon teach me?"
Tieria pulled his hand out of hers; the feeling left her with a jolt. "Link with me," he said. "I'll search for the answer."
"You don't mind?"
"No," he said. A tiny smile crept over his face. "I like the link. It's...a bit like Veda. But warmer."
Feldt reached for Tieria's face again. She brushed her fingertips against his temples and opened her mind to him. This time, instead of sorting through his memories, she drew him into hers. He fumbled with them, still unsteady. He followed the familiar trail of Lockon, Lockon, Lockon (it was even brighter in his mind than in hers, and she wondered at that) into places Feldt had started to forget. He found something.
She let go of him, took a step back, and looked at him again.
He took a deep breath. "You wanted to help us all," he said. "You wanted to be an important part of Celestial Being. Because we are your family, and you are one of us."
She smiled. It made sense. "Thank you, Tieria."
* * *
There were so many places Feldt could go from there, and she wasn't sure how to get to any of them. How could she best help Celestial Being in the state she was in now? She knew she could do much more than she had been able to in the past--that was some comfort, at least for as long as she retained such things as comforts. But her programming remained silent on what exactly she was supposed to do. There were too many contingencies, and the wiring in her brain was not fully developed yet. She knew that if she waited longer, it would be developed enough to decide for her. That was why she didn't want to wait.
Fortunately, a conversation with Ian sent her mind in the right direction. She passed him coming out of the hangar one day. He was in a good mood; he smiled and waved to her. "Nadleeh's almost fully operational again, Feldt! When we've got enough resources again, we can work on upgrading it so it's more than a match for whatever this new government they're making throws at us."
"Good," Feldt said. "I'm glad for Tieria."
"I don't know what to do about the other Gundams, though," he said.
"We will find Setsuna and Allelujah someday," Feldt said. "They'll return." She remembered discussing letters with Setsuna, and Haro's loneliness. He couldn't be gone for good, could he? But already, that memory was distant and no longer seemed to mean so much. But Setsuna was still important to Lockon. For that, Feldt would bring him back. "We'll have to find the technology for new versions of Kyrios and Exia. I can help now," she added. But she didn't quite think that was what she needed to do.
Ian slowed and started to frown. "What about Dynames?"
Feldt stopped. It came to her then and there. "We'll do the same for Dynames," she said. "Because I'm going to learn to pilot it."
"Are you sure?" Ian began, but by then it was already too late; Feldt had turned and was headed down the corridor to find Lockon. It all made sense now. Since she had brought him back, she would take on the responsibilities he could no longer handle. He would be able to do something by teaching her, and then he would be free to feel again. Everything would be all right.
* * *
"No," Lockon said firmly. It was jarring. He'd been so relaxed these days, so peaceful, with all those old memories floating through his head and nothing in the present to distract him. Feldt had only rarely felt the spike of anger from his brain, and never anything resembling determination. She'd begun to think maybe he didn't have the capacity for it anymore (something which should have worried her more and more, but instead worried her less and less as her brain rewired itself).
She wasn't sure how to feel know that she knew he did. It was good to see him feeling something, and she analyzed what she could sense of his brain more closely to get a better idea what it was. Determination, yes--like she hadn't felt out of him before, although she had a feeling it didn't compared to the fire he must have had before. Something else, something more complex...but she was getting better at identifying emotions. Protectiveness. That was it. And through it, the strangest wisp of gratitude--she almost managed to catch a full thought, a murmur of There's some innocence I can still protect. Then it was gone.
She looked at him. He no longer wore the eyepatch; instead, he brushed his hair over his ruined eye and gazed out with the remaining one, even though it was of little more use. Now he focused dimly on Feldt's face. She did her best to meet his distant gaze. "Lockon..." Even with her brain and its connections now able to provide her with a smooth understanding of human conversation, she couldn't find the words to tell him why his answer disappointed her. She couldn't explain why she wanted to do this.
"You've done plenty for Celestial Being, Feldt," Lockon said. "Don't worry about pushing yourself to do more. They'll find another Gundam Meister for Dynames. Besides, what do you think Haro would think of you going into combat with him? He'd get confused."
Feldt wanted to inform Lockon that she knew now that ascribing such silly emotions to Haro was ridiculous. Haro was a machine. She knew how machines felt, now. But Lockon still left her mute. That was confusing.
He smiled and reached out to pat her shoulder. He'd gotten the hang of it, now, and she had no excuse to press her face into the soft leather of his glove now. She still wanted to, but his hand was firm on her shoulder. "Keep being yourself, Feldt," he said. "Remember what I told you. Live on."
Feldt realized then that if she were still entirely herself, she would be angry. How could he tell her something like this, when he smiled so hollowly and refused to live on himself? But she didn't want to be angry at Lockon, so she yielded to temptation and turned off that part of her brain like a light. That was better than just feeling it, and it was also worse. "I understand," she finally said. This was a lie. She wouldn't have been able to lie before. It was good that she was learning, she told herself as she left Lockon behind.
* * *
She had grown used to confiding in Tieria. It had become so easy. He was the only one who understood the balance she struggled with between human and machine, supplied the more logical circuits of her brain, and naturally that was why. But she knew that wasn't entirely true. She liked holding his hand. Besides, he was more human than her, now, so he didn't understand. Not entirely. She still confided in him.
That was why she went to him now. "There are still things he won't do for me," she concluded, when she'd finished explaining how Lockon had denied her training. "I could train all the same, but it wouldn't be right. It would bother me for some reason."
"You want him to approve," Tieria said. He hesitated, then added, "You want him to be proud of you. Unless...that's only me."
"No," Feldt said. "It's me too. Even though I shouldn't need anyone to be proud of me. My abilities are superior to those of anyone else here." She didn't mean to say it that way, but it was true. "I want to mean something to him. But nothing means anything to him anymore. Maybe Setsuna, a little. I wish Setsuna still meant something to me," she added suddenly. "But I only want him to be alive for Lockon's sake."
Tieria's eyes widened at that confession. Then he looked down, and after a moment, he nodded. "I don't entirely understand it. But it's as if he isn't here anymore."
"There are things he won't tell us," Feldt said. But then she thought of her last conversation with Lockon. There's some innocence I can still protect. He wouldn't let her be a Gundam Meister. But someone who already was--
"What is it, Feldt?"
"There are things he won't tell me," she corrected herself. "Tieria, you're a Gundam Meister like him. Please find a way for him to tell someone. Even if it's you, and not me."
"I will do my best," Tieria said. Then his gaze grew intent on hers. "But you want to hear it too, correct? From him."
"Yes," she admitted.
He bowed his head to her, then tipped it back a little, exposing the soft spots on his temples that she needed to touch to initiate the link. "He doesn't need to know if we're linked while I ask him. And you were the one who brought him back. You deserve to know."
"Isn't that..." Feldt searched for the word. "A breach of trust?"
"He breached my trust by getting himself killed," Tieria said with sudden vehemence. "This is only fair. And--this will be difficult for me. I'd like your support."
Feldt blinked. Her body was at its normal heat, but she felt warm inside at those words. She didn't have to; she could turn off the feeling like she'd turned off her anger at Lockon. But this one, she wanted to keep. "All right." And she reached for him to begin to link their minds.
* * *
Lockon was alone by a window when Tieria found him. Ian was busy with the Gundams, and Lasse had just left to go help him. When Tieria approached him from behind, they were alone. "Lockon," he said.
Over the weeks, Lockon had learned to stop starting when he heard people's voices like that. Feldt still registered slight surprise in his brain and a momentary flicker of frustration at how easily he could be caught unawares, but that was all, and then he was smoothly turning to face Tieria. "Yo," he said. "What's up?"
"We all are," Tieria said very seriously. "We're all up and working to bring Celestial Being back to what it was, just as Feldt brought you back."
Lockon chuckled. There was only the dimmest of lights in his brain at this. He really did find Tieria's way of phrasing things pleasing--he sometimes felt it with Feldt around, too, and she was glad whenever that happened. But it wasn't enough. It was just a veil over emptiness. And then after that chuckle, he grew serious. Too serious. "You shouldn't put it that way, Tieria. When Celestial Being is restored, it'll be a lot better than I am."
"Don't say things like that," Tieria said.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to mope," Lockon said. "It's just true, after all."
Ask him why, Feldt sent. Ask him now. Why he says things like that!
Tieria obeyed. "Lockon, what do you mean? You have to know that even with your combat skills unusable, you're still a great asset to the team. You keep us together. You provide valuable support. You teach us things we would never have learned without you. Feldt and I will both attest to that."
Yes, she said. Yes.
The smile Lockon gave Tieria now was different. It was gentle and halfway genuine, and it hurt Feldt more than the hollow ones. "My memory would do the same things," he said. "It's not me you need."
"Even if that's true," Tieria said. "I'm still glad you have the chance to live again, Lockon Stratos. Why aren't you? Why don't you want to experience the world changing?"
"Tieria, you shouldn't call me that," Lockon said with sudden flatness.
Tieria hesitated. When he spoke, he almost stuttered. "Neil...Dylandy?"
"I don't know," Lockon said in that same toneless voice.
We're close to something, Feldt said. He's speaking real things now, even though... She searched her data from his brain. Even though he doesn't really want to say them to you. I think you've pushed him enough, Tieria.
"Please explain," Tieria said softly, carefully.
"I was done fighting," Lockon said. "I was done being Lockon Stratos and Neil Dylandy. I'd changed the world as much as I could. That wasn't enough, but I thought maybe Setsuna could do the rest. Now I'm in a world where Setsuna might be gone, I can't fight at all, and I have no more right to be Lockon Stratos." One of his hands curled into a fist.
Tieria reached out, very quickly, and in that moment Feldt wasn't sure whether it was his impulse, hers, or both of theirs in harmony. His hand folded around Lockon's fist. "You will always be Lockon Stratos to me."
Lockon looked abruptly up at him. Tieria was close enough now for Lockon to make out his face, Feldt realized, although just barely. That was very close indeed. She could feel Tieria's heart beating rapidly, and she knew hers was doing the same thing. What she didn't know was why.
"That's not enough," Lockon said. "I need to be Lockon Stratos for the world. For--" For him. It was a full thought this time that came Feldt's way, and an image came with it, so strong was the urge from Lockon. For a moment, the image confused her utterly. It was Lockon himself, and she knew he wasn't doing it for himself. But--
No. Her databanks supplied the obvious answer. It was an identical twin. Feldt though of what he had told her so long ago now, about his parents and the terrorist attack. Lockon had done all of this, had done everything, for the same reason Feldt strove to rebuild Celestial Being. For family.
But Tieria could not sense that thought from Lockon. In fact, he'd almost forgotten Feldt was there in his brain at all. "I'm not enough," he said. His expression would be little more than a blur to Lockon, but the ache in his voice was clear enough.
It was clear enough, in fact, that Lockon slipped back behind the mask (when had Feldt figured out it was a mask? She hadn't wanted to figure that out at all), and in an instant he was smiling ruefully but encouragingly. "Don't talk like that, Tieria. You're enough for what matters. For Celestial Being. You're enough to change the world with your own Gundam and your own will."
"You matter," Tieria said. Feldt would have spoken the same thing, had she been there; the words might as well have come from her own mouth, though Tieria paid her no heed now. It was just too bizarre. Lockon was the most human of them all, and he had taught them that humanity was precious. But here he was dismissing his own worth.
And right then, he did it again. He closed his remaining, nearly useless eye and smiled. "Not anymore. I'm a part of the past, Tieria. You and Feldt and the others will be part of the future."
"I'll take you with me," Tieria said fiercely. Not We'll take you with us. He'd entirely forgotten Feldt was there. He proved it an instant later, when he leaned forward and pressed his mouth tightly to Lockon's. Feldt reeled with the shock and nearly lost her connection, but now more than ever she wanted to hold onto it.
For a moment, Lockon was stiff, unresponsive. Then he pulled away. "Is that what you need me for?" he asked softly.
"No. Yes. I didn't mean--" Tieria stumbled over his words. "I wanted you. So I kissed you."
Lockon kissed him back. Base emotions lit up his brain, but Feldt was too overwhelmed with Tieria's feelings to analyze Lockon's too closely. She only noticed one odd anomaly: the sudden satisfaction Lockon felt for just a moment wasn't sexual or even romantic. It was something else. He was--relieved? Was that it?
She couldn't tell. She could only feel Tieria's pulse fluttering in his throat as Lockon's mouth moved on his, and it felt like Lockon's mouth was moving on hers, so her pulse fluttered helplessly, too.
Something calculating stirred in the electronic portions of her brain. It told her: You can use this. He wants to fill Tieria's need, because he can't do anything else. Let him fill yours, as well. Take advantage of him.
The thought was too tempting to bear.
* * *
The connections in Feldt's brain offered her endless information on how one person could seduce another. But none of it seemed to apply to Lockon. He was different, both now and before. She wouldn't have wanted him any other way. No, that wasn't true. She would have wanted him happier. But maybe this would help with that, she told herself. Another part of her scoffed at the idea. It was a rationalization. Her brain, changed as it was, knew this, and it told her that she shouldn't bother justifying herself. She should just manipulate Lockon as she needed to. After all, he wasn't good for much else anymore, especially if he wouldn't teach her about Dynames.
It was that kind of thought that made her flinch away from herself now. She wanted Lockon because he was important no matter what, didn't she?
Feldt made her way to Lockon's quarters after Tieria had gone to sleep, and she casually bypassed the security to let herself in. She would have been able to do that even before, but now it was easier than breathing. She stepped inside, and she turned on the lights.
In his bed, Lockon stirred. He could still tell when a room went from pitch dark to full of light, and now he sat up in bed. "Something happen?" he asked, and the double sensation that came to Feldt from him was a strange combination. It was both worry and hope. It made sense that he'd be worried, upon being woken up in the middle of the night, that something had gone wrong, that they were in danger or under attack. But what could he gain from such a situation?
Feldt pushed the thought away, because she had a feeling that if she tried analyzing it further, she'd find out more things she didn't want to know about Lockon. Instead, she said, "There's nothing wrong." She sat down on Lockon's bed and looked at him. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and while she'd seen him that way before in sickbay, now it made her want to blush. Now that she could do so, she suppressed it, even though he wouldn't have seen if she hadn't. "Lockon, I wanted to see you."
"Feldt," he said. His tone changed. It gentled. "Do you need help with something?"
She thought again of that time, in another era, when he'd confessed his past to her. Some of that man was still in him, she knew. It just wasn't enough to make a whole person, just as what was left of her without the implant wasn't enough to make a whole person. So it made sense for them to be together. "No," she said. "I was thinking of you." She thought of the touches she'd shared with Tieria, and the way Tieria had touched Lockon before kissing him. She reached out and grabbed his hand, trying not to apply too much force.
He stiffened, then stilled. "Hey, now. Let's not get carried away. You should--"
She didn't want him to say more. She kissed him.
But his mouth was flat and unresponsive against hers. Resistance splashed against her mind. An image flickered from his brain to hers: a young girl with a smiling face, a face that bore some of the same features as Lockon's. She wasn't Feldt, but somehow in Lockon's mind she was connected with her. A sister. He'd had a little sister as well as a twin brother. How much else about his past had he not told her?
He pulled away before she could think about it more. "Stop it," he said quietly.
"Lockon," she said. "You want people to want you. Now more than ever. I'm not wrong."
"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, Feldt," he said. "Don't do this."
"I do want you!" she said. "Why--"
Inside her brain, without her asking for it, a reanalysis began. Some logic center had deemed it time to evaluate her actions. It studied her observation that Lockon needed to be needed, especially now that he could find no other purpose, and approved of that. It approved of her decision to take advantage of this. Weaknesses in human beings existed to be taken advantage of, for better or for worse. From there on, though, she couldn't stop herself, and yes, this was part of herself now that was thinking these things.
Lockon had looked at her as something like a sister. She had thought she loved him as something else, the few times she'd thought about those things. But in the end, she'd been mistaken. All she'd wanted all her life was family, and Lockon had been the one who'd taught her she could find that in Celestial Being. More than she wanted him to kiss her, she wanted him to hold her and tell her it would be all right. Even though, of course, that was absurd. Why should she need a blind human being to tell her things would be all right, when her own brain could analyze the situation far better?
Because he was Lockon. She couldn't let herself forget that.
Feldt stifled a sob and fell against Lockon's chest. It was enough to hear his heartbeat. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry."
She felt him relax, both physically and mentally. The next thing she knew, he was stroking her hair. It felt much more right than her attempt to kiss him. "It's all right," he said. "I'm still here for you, Feldt. You don't need to make yourself do anything you don't want to just to be sure of that." And there it was: the same satisfaction she'd sensed from him when Tieria had kissed him.
But the guilt of what she'd attempted still lay on her heavily, even though there were circuits in her that expressed nothing but impatience with such guilt. She tried to think of something else to say. "I'm sorry for more than that," was what came out. "Lockon, I lied to you."
"What?" He stopped stroking her hair.
She forced herself to pull away from him and sit up. "I told you it was my mission to bring you back," she said. "That was a lie." Why was she telling him this? Did she want his forgiveness, or just his understanding of how important he was to her? She didn't know. She refused to let her electronics give her the answer so easily.
"What do you mean?" His voice was quiet and even. It was getting dangerously close to that flat territory it had been in when he'd spoken with Tieria and she'd listened in.
"When I found out you would be blind," she said, "my programming told me to abandon the project. I ignored it. I wanted you to live. It was my decision. That's why you're here."
He was perfectly silent. She could sense the shock rippling out from him.
"I won't apologize for that!" Feldt said, even though her eyes were filling up with tears.
He tilted his head and almost looked at her. Hurriedly, she stilled her tears and her fears long enough to try to read what he was feeling. Places in his brain that had never lit up before when he paid attention to her were lighting up now. She wondered why, but could not tell, even with the help of the implant.
And then he smiled. "Looks like you can do more than I thought," he said. "That'll teach me to underestimate you." Beneath the smile, contradictory emotions had sparked in him. Resentment, even a hint of anger--she'd expected that, but it still hurt a little. But there was also something else. That thought she'd felt from him before--There's some innocence I can still protect--she felt it shatter. She'd made her own decision that had hurt him, so she was no longer an innocent girl to be protected. She wanted to ask him if it was all right to be proud, but of course she couldn't. So she asked herself, and she answered yes, but only with a little sadness.
"Lockon," she said, "will you teach me how to pilot Dynames?"
"You know you'll be in danger," he said, "piloting a Gundam. Promise me something, Feldt."
"What?"
"Promise me you aren't doing it to impress me or prove that you're good enough."
"I promise," she said, although she wasn't sure what that would accomplish. Promises were a human thing. She wasn't even human enough for Lockon to want to shelter her anymore. "I want to help Celestial Being to the best of my abilities. Now I have greater abilities. Let me use them."
"We can start as soon as you're ready," he said.
* * *
Feldt wandered the corridors that night, trying to figure out how she should feel. She had failed to seduce Lockon, both because of him and because of herself. Tieria could succeed, if he really tried. But she had succeeded in convincing Lockon to teach her to pilot Dynames. Wasn't that what mattered? That she be able to help Celestial Being as a fighter. Her relationships with other people were irrelevant in the face of that.
When the night was finished, she had almost sufficiently convinced herself. She drew on her brain's wireless power receptors to make up for her lack of sleep, and she went about her day.
But Tieria was there wherever she was, because she followed Lockon wherever he went, and so did Tieria. He distracted her with feelings--jealousy and guilt. She suppressed them, but then she wondered if that was such a good idea.
He stopped her in a corridor outside the cafeteria as Lockon ate his lunch. "Feldt Grace," he said. "You're acting oddly."
"It's nothing," she said, looking him straight in the eyes, and her implant allowed her to lie convincingly. She was comforted. The feelings would vanish if she just suppressed them long enough. But a thought occurred to her: what about the other feelings Tieria brought out in her? The warmth she felt when he held her hand? Would that go away, too?
She didn't want to lose that. Sometime between when she had first linked with Tieria mind to mind and now, it had become important to her. She wondered if it was because Tieria was family to her, or if it was something else. She wondered if she would lose all of it: the warmth Tieria inspired in her, the sense of satisfaction she felt from working with him to watch over Lockon, the comfort she gained from confiding in him. When that happened, how much longer would she still care about Lockon himself?
Feldt ordered her brain to search for ways to maintain her humanity. She found the answer easily enough. She'd already been thinking of it, after all--just in the wrong way.
* * *
This time, she made her way to Tieria's quarters at night, after they'd seen Lockon off to sleep. She did another thing differently this time, too. She alerted him that she was waiting outside the door instead of simply slicing her way in past the locks.
He looked a little awkward when he opened it for her, and she quickly realized why. He was wearing a long nightshirt of strange design. It looked a little threadbare, as if it had been through many transformations. "What do you need, Feldt?"
"What are you wearing?" she asked, even though that hadn't been what she'd come here for. She had to know.
"It's a prototype," he said. "No, that's incorrect. Right now, it is a nightshirt that I wear to sleep. But it also serves as a template for working out the design of the uniform for Celestial Being."
She threw herself into the room; the door shut behind her. "Thank you for designing it, Tieria," she said.
"It's nothing," he said. "Merely an exercise in design and color coordination."
"But I'm glad that you're doing it, Tieria," she said. "You've become important to me."
He looked at her. "I...thank you, Feldt."
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry I was jealous that you kissed Lockon. It doesn't matter if you kiss him. What matters is that we'll take care of him together." She smiled. "Right, Tieria?"
"You don't have to apologize," he said. "It's good to have human feelings."
"It's good for you to have human feelings," Feldt said. "It's good for Lockon to have human feelings, when he still can. But when I have them, they get all mixed up with my circuitry."
"My feelings get mixed up, too," Tieria said. "Perhaps it's something all combinations of humans and machines have to live with."
"Maybe even Lockon's feelings..." Feldt trailed off.
"Why did you come here tonight?" Tieria asked.
"I came because I wanted to be with you," Feldt said. "In a human way." She grasped the collar of Tieria's nightshirt, pulled him to her, and kissed him. She wasn't linked to his mind right then, but she could still feel it as he first tensed up and then relaxed against her and tried to kiss back.
Feldt realized that neither one of them knew how to kiss. They were pushing their mouths against each other awkwardly. She pulled back. "I'm sorry," she said. "I should have asked first."
"I would have said yes," Tieria said. But he looked surprised at himself. "I wanted to kiss Lockon, but I don't mind kissing you, either. Perhaps it's because we're not entirely human. In the stories I have researched, humans only have these feelings for one person at a time."
"But this makes me feel more human," Feldt said.
"Then we should do it," Tieria said. "In order to make you feel more human. I am ready." He began to pull off his nightshirt.
"Wait, Tieria!" She grabbed him by the arm. "Do you want to?"
He blinked at her. "Yes," he said. "I like to hold your hands. I like to hold you. I would like to kiss you if I could better understand how. It follows naturally that I would enjoy having sex with you. You are young, but you are physically adult. I trust your judgment if you believe you are ready."
"Good," Feldt said. "I think I'll enjoy it with you, too." She started to pull off her clothes. "I don't know if I'm ready," she confessed. "I wouldn't be with anyone else." She hadn't been with Lockon, after all. "But with you..."
"Technically," Tieria said, "I am younger than you are. It will be all right." He finished taking off his nightshirt. He was naked underneath, his body not quite as androgynous as his face, but close: flat chest, wide hips, small penis. "Let me assist you," he said, and he helped her out of her jumpsuit.
She took off the underclothes beneath it, then shivered a little. "I have an idea," she said tentatively.
"What is it?"
She reached for his face. "This will help us know when we're doing something right," she said.
"Go ahead," he said. "I'll need the help. I've never done this before."
She opened the link. "Tieria...!"
"What is it?"
"Your feelings," she said. "They're so much like mine." She smiled at him. "I make you feel warm. You make me feel warm."
"We make each other feel human," he said. "Help me learn how to be human, Feldt, and I will help you stay human."
"Yes," she said. "I like that."
She kissed him again, and this time she felt feelings rush between them: fumbling arousal, cautious happiness, gratitude. She wasn't sure which feelings were his and which were Tieria's, but she didn't mind. Even if it was the machinery in her brain that let her open up like this, it still made her feel human.
"We should move to the bed," Tieria said. "I want you to be comfortable."
"I want you to be comfortable, too," Feldt said.
"Of course," Tieria said. "That's how it works. We want each other to feel good."
She put her hands on his waist and, walking uncertainly with him, moved to the bed. He began to kiss her, moving his mouth methodically from place to place. She shivered, and they fell to their work on each other in silence. He could not speak, because he was kissing her breasts, and she could not speak, because she was listening to his surprise at how good it felt to kiss her breasts.
When he was inside her, and she was sitting atop him with her legs spread wide, feeling uncomfortable, a little sore, and full of lovely warm indescribable sensation, she finally spoke again. "I'm still a little jealous. I'm still very scared."
"That's acceptable," he said. "Keep feeling warm, too."
"I will," she said. She stroked his hair in a way that was very different from how Lockon had stroked hers. His pleasure flickered hot in her mind. "So long as I can feel your warmth. I'm glad, Tieria. I'm glad we have this link."
"Which link?" he breathed.
She felt him move inside her and she cried out. When she regained her breath, she said, "Both of them. Your body to my body, and my mind to your mind."
"Then let's keep doing them both," Tieria said. "For each other."
* * *
Just as she had enjoyed Tieria's touch, Feldt enjoyed Lockon's touch as he guided her hands on the controls of Gundam Dynames. But it was different. It wasn't the same as the fumbling, inexperienced touches and connections she and Tieria shared. It was more practiced, less intimate, and more useful--probably.
"I usually left navigation to Haro," Lockon explained. "But you can move the Gundam yourself with these controls. Haro will help run the targeting system, too."
"Haro's useful," Feldt said. "Even though he's only a machine."
"Not 'only,'" Lockon said. "That's a bad way to put it."
Every day, for the little while he taught her, Lockon felt more like his old self again. It was easier than Feldt wanted it to be to understand why. He had a purpose. But that meant that when it was over, he would go back to being numb again. She was afraid of how far that could go.
So she modified her own skill uptake. She set her learning abilities below what they could be. She dragged out the sessions with Lockon for as long as she could.
She told Tieria about this, too. "Good," he said. "Keep him occupied for as long as you can."
"It's different with you," she said. "I have my skill uptake set as high as it will go. I want to be able to learn more about how to have sex with another person. Is that all right?"
"Yes," he said. "That's all right."
But the implant continued to rewire her brain. Little by little, the touches of Tieria's hand on her thigh meant less. The smiles Lockon gave her as she completed her lessons meant less. She fought it all the way. She wanted to keep every scrap of feeling she still had. Tieria and Lockon deserved it.
She wondered if it was all right to keep fighting, and she kept fighting.
* * *
She could only fight for so long.
One night Feldt woke at Tieria's side with a start. Within her brain, now disconnected from Tieria's, questions were emerging.
Why am I here? Why am I at Tieria's side? Why have I been delaying my training? Why does it matter if Lockon feels anything or not?
She tried to be afraid, but it was hard to summon the feeling. It felt distant and artificial. She moved evenly and without any trembling as she pulled on her clothes and walked out of Tieria's quarters. She kept up that calm and steady pace as she made her way to the hangar. There she looked at Dynames, still half-broken, with bits and pieces of upgrades tacked on. This is my Gundam, she thought. Hadn't Setsuna always felt special when he looked at his Gundam? But Setsuna was a distant memory, and she felt nothing special as she stared at Dynames.
"Feldt." It was Tieria. He'd followed her. "What's wrong?"
She did not turn to face him. That was a human thing to do. "I think it's over," she said. "I think I'm not human anymore."
Tieria touched her face. "You're wrong," he said.
"We aren't linked," she said. "There's no way for you to tell."
"You retain other ways," he said. And he showed her his fingers. They were wet and shiny. "You're crying. I don't want to see you cry, but if it is what reminds you that you are human, then keep crying."
She stared at his hand. Then she touched her own face and felt the tears there. With a fierce sniffle, she stopped them. "I promised not to cry," she said. "And keeping promises is a human thing."
"So is breaking them," Tieria said. Hesitantly, still awkwardly even after all the nights they had shared, he put his arms around her.
"Tieria," she whispered. She remembered the way he had touched her, and she responded to the way he touched her now.
"What is it?"
Inside her head, she felt the implant retreat a little. Perhaps she didn't need to be taken over entirely. Maybe she was good enough with some humanity left in her. "Thank you."
"There's no need to thank me," Tieria said. "I believe there are some things the implant could never have changed in you."
"But I've changed so much," she said.
"We both have," he said. "It's all right to change. Lockon taught me that."
Tieria's hands were resting on Feldt's heart. She lifted her own hands to rest on them. "Tieria," she said. "Let's protect Lockon together."
"Yes," Tieria said. "We'll do that."
Feldt felt her heart beat hard, and she decided one thing. So long as she was with Tieria, protecting Lockon, she would be human enough.