too much thinking...
Well i now have three doctor appoinments next week. Ooo... yippie more money taken. But anyways i have kind of takin today just to sit back and relax and gain some perspectives on some things hopefully. I actually got to sleep last night instead of coughing my head off... good ole' drugs from the doctors.
But i got to thinking, and I got to thinking about me and Whispa. I love her, I love her so much. But i started to wonder if i actually fulfill her. If i actually satisfy her cravings and needs, whether they are mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually and ect. And do i give her thrill and excitement still... and is it enough if i do, or should i try more. I am thinking to much probably. And i wonder if she lets her mind travel too far into the future.. and im sure i dont help by talking about it with her. I know i daydream and imagine but i only truely think as far as next may for the most part. I use to see such a glow, a fire burning inside her and i kind of feel like it has gone to a glimmer and a smolder. But what do i know about anything. I just want to be my best and do my best. I feel as though this car accident has created so many problems, i would have been more fun and lively to be around...but on the other had Whispa says that she wouldnt have stayed with me for much longer if i continued to live in Mexia...Its to far away from eachother. Now we have grown more attached to eachother and we have talked about what would happen if i went back to work or we both went to colleges in different areas...and from what i actually understand she doesnt want a long distance relationship. If hurts her to much, she feels she would be better with her being single when that time comes. But i am scared. I am scared about what that means. I would have thought we are strong enough to last through distance. I am not ready to think about the thought of losing her..even tho i hope the possiblity wont be for a little while more. Am i wrong to feel this way? Do i truely make her happy like she does me? Or is my idea of a relationship to narrow-minded? I wish i could actually bring these things up with her but im to scared...to scared that i might accidently discourage her? There are so many things i dont understand and i want to understand them. I told her a week or so back that i was jealous of Heather.. i feel so bad for it but something in my gut said that there is a underlying thing that i dont know about or dont understand, so i brought it up so i could calm my foolish mind. I can say it did help. She kind of explained about why she is like that with her friends... even though to me it seemd different... but putting that behind me the bast i can.
Im starting to wonder if i have fallen to hard. My only intentions are to be happy for the next month and live month by month. I am scared about what is going to happen with us after i have my back surgery. What will change, what wont change. I feel as thought my heart and my head are as a brick wall and a hardspot. I wonder if i should just dismiss everything...even though i know how i feel. Maybe a dream or something will help me realize how i should do things and where i should go. It just seems as though i hold her back from doing the crazy wild things she wants to do whatever they may be, or im just overreacting. More than likely the later of the two. I just know that RIGHT NOW i would do almost anything to keep her in my life becasue i love her so much. There is nothing i can ask for more than to be loved...truely loved. She has helped me so much. she pulled me out of my shell. I just hope i can do something equally great and wonderous for her. Now i am listening to a song that says it for me.....
Joe--I wanna know
"tell me what i gotta do to please you,
baby, anything you say i'll do.
Cause i only want to make you happy,
from the bottom of my heart its true."
But i think thats all for me, i think i vented most of the things that has plagued my mind for a little bit. Maybe one day i will get up enough guts to say something...or maybe i will just stay a lil' chickenshit and play it safe. Oh well, I just get to see what happens. (Im a worrywart, damnit)
But i got to thinking, and I got to thinking about me and Whispa. I love her, I love her so much. But i started to wonder if i actually fulfill her. If i actually satisfy her cravings and needs, whether they are mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually and ect. And do i give her thrill and excitement still... and is it enough if i do, or should i try more. I am thinking to much probably. And i wonder if she lets her mind travel too far into the future.. and im sure i dont help by talking about it with her. I know i daydream and imagine but i only truely think as far as next may for the most part. I use to see such a glow, a fire burning inside her and i kind of feel like it has gone to a glimmer and a smolder. But what do i know about anything. I just want to be my best and do my best. I feel as though this car accident has created so many problems, i would have been more fun and lively to be around...but on the other had Whispa says that she wouldnt have stayed with me for much longer if i continued to live in Mexia...Its to far away from eachother. Now we have grown more attached to eachother and we have talked about what would happen if i went back to work or we both went to colleges in different areas...and from what i actually understand she doesnt want a long distance relationship. If hurts her to much, she feels she would be better with her being single when that time comes. But i am scared. I am scared about what that means. I would have thought we are strong enough to last through distance. I am not ready to think about the thought of losing her..even tho i hope the possiblity wont be for a little while more. Am i wrong to feel this way? Do i truely make her happy like she does me? Or is my idea of a relationship to narrow-minded? I wish i could actually bring these things up with her but im to scared...to scared that i might accidently discourage her? There are so many things i dont understand and i want to understand them. I told her a week or so back that i was jealous of Heather.. i feel so bad for it but something in my gut said that there is a underlying thing that i dont know about or dont understand, so i brought it up so i could calm my foolish mind. I can say it did help. She kind of explained about why she is like that with her friends... even though to me it seemd different... but putting that behind me the bast i can.
Im starting to wonder if i have fallen to hard. My only intentions are to be happy for the next month and live month by month. I am scared about what is going to happen with us after i have my back surgery. What will change, what wont change. I feel as thought my heart and my head are as a brick wall and a hardspot. I wonder if i should just dismiss everything...even though i know how i feel. Maybe a dream or something will help me realize how i should do things and where i should go. It just seems as though i hold her back from doing the crazy wild things she wants to do whatever they may be, or im just overreacting. More than likely the later of the two. I just know that RIGHT NOW i would do almost anything to keep her in my life becasue i love her so much. There is nothing i can ask for more than to be loved...truely loved. She has helped me so much. she pulled me out of my shell. I just hope i can do something equally great and wonderous for her. Now i am listening to a song that says it for me.....
Joe--I wanna know
"tell me what i gotta do to please you,
baby, anything you say i'll do.
Cause i only want to make you happy,
from the bottom of my heart its true."
But i think thats all for me, i think i vented most of the things that has plagued my mind for a little bit. Maybe one day i will get up enough guts to say something...or maybe i will just stay a lil' chickenshit and play it safe. Oh well, I just get to see what happens. (Im a worrywart, damnit)